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  #411  
Old 04-26-2012, 10:28 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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so last night was one of the worst nights of my entire life. i will make the recap brief. basically, i spent a lot of energy trying to make alex's birthday fun for her by planning a party, inviting all of our friends, decorating, getting food, etc. i had a lot of anxiety because we had had a difficult night the night before, and i really did NOT want to mess up her birthday. oh man. then, for some still unknown to me reason, i handed my phone to her to hold for me. i do not know why i did this! later everyone was looking all over for her, and it turned out she had been in the bathroom for a very long time, reading all of my texts. she did this with my email once before, so i should have known better, but really when it comes down to it i have nothing to hide. the problem is, from her insecure, panicked perspective she read into every conversation i had with K and other friends and made it mean that i had been lying to her about something. i am still not sure what in those texts made her think i was lying to her about something because she was never specific and i think i have been really honest (while sparing her the "gory" details, at her explicit request). she mentioned that fact that i called K "love" in a few of my texts (as in, "goodnight love") and a joke i had made to a friend about strapping it on for a guy, but its hard for me to believe she was that mad about those two things.

anyway, she came out of the bathroom livid. she took me outside and proceeded to yell at and berate me. called me a piece of shit and a horrible, evil person. she told me she hates me and its over. i went to turn away and she grabbed me hard by the collar and spun me around to face her. it was horrible. all of our friends were still inside. i walked away in the rain, without my coat or my wallet and got as far as i could. i stood in a doorway blocks away until my best friend came and got me. a friend later told me that alex went back into the party and talked to some folks about what had happened. then everyone dispersed.

talk about the most melodramatic ending possible.

i know this is my fault. i basically set it up to end this way. something had to give because i was too afraid to make the call myself, in a mature and proactive way. i was too scared of feeling the loss, too scared of alex's pain. i wanted her to end it but i didn't know what i would have to do to get her to. its such a chickenshit passive way to go about things but it is what happened. i guess it was my subconscious that knew that by giving her my phone i was giving myself an out. nothing in my conscious mind registered that. nothing in my phone was directly incriminating and i didn't feel like i had anything to hide. but it didn't matter. she reacted to what she made those texts mean in her mind, and she reacted the way she needed to react in order to be able to let me go.

ultimately i am grateful to her, even as i acknowledge that she invaded my privacy and that was wrong. i am glad she is taking some power back and that maybe now we can both truly start moving on.
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Gay 30-something female that just ended a committed relationship with a mono partner, Alex, and in the midst of NRE with a new lover, K.
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  #412  
Old 04-27-2012, 05:03 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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awwwww, sweetie, I'm so sorry for all your drama. Sounds like pretty normal, 30something lesbian life, to me. (been there, done that, got the scars) I'm so glad a friend did come to get you.

You sound really calm. Are you able to stay in friend's apartment, or will you have to be moving out somewhere this weekend?

Even though it wasn't the way your conscious mind wanted it, sounds like you're glad the decision is done.

Be prepared, she may change her mind. Maybe not, but it's been known to happen. I've thrown a lot of people out, and changed my mind.

{{hugs}}
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  #413  
Old 05-01-2012, 01:24 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Oh, never mind. I'm not over the NRE after all! I've just spent some idyllic time with him, and I'm apparently still quite madly in love. This marks a year since we became friends, and next month marks a year since the first kiss. I suspect this kind of relationship is going to take a very long time to get past this stage, because we are never together frequently enough or for long enough to get the slightest bit tired of each other. (Not to mention the fact that we never get to actually have sex...)

I did challenge him to find some part of me that he did not find overwhelmingly wonderful. He settled on a small chicken pox scar, which he said did nothing in particular to enhance or detract from my appearance. I told him everyone deserves to be loved this much.
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  #414  
Old 05-01-2012, 02:14 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default NRE Goodness and Badness

NRE can be maddening, or amazing depending on if you're on the receiving, experiencing or viewing end of things. To me NRE is like being drunk on love; it's hardly the time to make rational decisions, but it sure is fun!! I say as long as it isn't confusing or hurting anyone it's fantastic. I find it lasts up to a couple of years, but still feel like I'm in NRE with my husband every few months - love goes in cycles in some ways.

Enjoy!
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  #415  
Old 05-01-2012, 02:56 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I did challenge him to find some part of me that he did not find overwhelmingly wonderful. He settled on a small chicken pox scar, which he said did nothing in particular to enhance or detract from my appearance. I told him everyone deserves to be loved this much.
Oh, you are so funny! "Find something wrong with me! Find it!" You reminded me of the play Italian American Reconciliation by J. Patrick Shanley. One of the main characters is a woman who can't stand how much her husband is so nice to her, puts her on a pedestal and idolizes her, she goes out of her way for him to see she's just a normal human being - she locks him out of the bedroom, poisons him, and finally shoots his dog!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #416  
Old 05-01-2012, 03:20 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh, you are so funny! "Find something wrong with me! Find it!" You reminded me of the play Italian American Reconciliation by J. Patrick Shanley. One of the main characters is a woman who can't stand how much her husband is so nice to her, puts her on a pedestal and idolizes her, she goes out of her way for him to see she's just a normal human being - she locks him out of the bedroom, poisons him, and finally shoots his dog!
Ok, I would not go that far! It's not that I want him to find something wrong with me, it's just that I know he's thinking every little thing about me is so great just because it's me. For example, he said my breasts were the perfect shape and size. I said if they were bigger or smaller he'd think that was perfect instead. He admitted it was true. I treasure the compliments that are really about me -he said really sweet things about my dancing style this weekend, for example -but the stuff about my eyelashes seems so obviously love-giddy it doesn't have much meaning. He tagged along on a grocery run this morning and thought it was endearing that I had a menu plan and a list. Really?

But I love being adored, I do admit. And he has the most unique and beautiful eyes, and listens to me like no one else I know, and I love him.
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  #417  
Old 05-01-2012, 07:14 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
it's just that I know he's thinking every little thing about me is so great just because it's me. For example, he said my breasts were the perfect shape and size. I said if they were bigger or smaller he'd think that was perfect instead. He admitted it was true.
I actually am very similar to your guy here in this respect, and it totally has nothing to do with NRE for me. I don't have very many bodily preferences in the first place, but when I love somebody whatever they look like becomes to totally hot/beautiful to me because of that. That also works to the other direction; I find a person I don't like extremely unattractive no matter how hot they are (or were before I found out what they are like).

I actually find it a shame that so many people spend time "hiding their flaws". Flaws are usually whatever makes them look even more personal, and I especially adore those things in people I love.
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  #418  
Old 05-09-2012, 03:36 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Oh, so sorry to hear this. Wish I'd seen it sooner.

No, you're wrong, this isn't your fault at all. You've still got a lot of guilt going on.

I don't think that you subconsciously handed her the phone because you knew that would spark the end. That doesn't make sense. I don't think you were hiding anything in the text messages that you knew would provoke Alex to leave.

I do think you wanted Alex to end it for you, and that you've wanted that for a long time. But I think you were also trying really hard to make things work with her. You were the one who was being really patient with HER.

My college boyfriend wanted to get me to break up with him--and believe me, he treated me like shit to bring that about. There was no trying, no unconscious sabotage with him.

I think Alex is the one with the subconsciously unhealthy behavior here. Why did she read your texts on a day that you were trying to make special for her? Why did she extrapolate imaginary lies from texts that you weren't even trying to hide from her? Why did she pick a public fight in a way that humiliated you? Why did she say cruel things to you?

She's the one with the problems here.

So please stop beating yourself up.

In a less negative slant, Alex herself, in her own heart, may have known the relationship was over for quite some time, and she was looking for an excuse to end things on her own terms.

Two bits of advice:

1) Things will be okay. It may take a while, but really, trulyou will someday be okay again.

2) Don't throw yourself more into intense feelings for K because of this. Give yourself some personal space to deal with this. Take it slow with K.

Keep us posted.
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  #419  
Old 06-03-2012, 12:04 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I didn't want to start a new thread about NRE and this one seemed fitting since it's listed in the Master thread.

I wanted to share some comments Seamus made about NRE that I found interesting because I hadn't considered them before. I'd love to hear other people's opinions.

He started seeing this new woman recently, and is experiencing some NRE. The subject was brought up and he commented that he "hated" NRE because it was "fake".
He clarified what he meant: while en enjoys the drugged feelings, being high, and so on, he is frustrated by the fact that he knows it's a chemical trick, that it affects its judgment, he feels manipulated by it. Plus, he much prefers established relationships and the feelings that go with them, and so he sees NRE as something necessary to "go through", but he wishes we hadn't evolved to require it as a species.

I found that interesting because so many people get addicted to NRE, to the point that when it fades off a lot of relationships end, people get disappointed, etc. But he's the other way around, he waits for it to end so he can move on to the "real" relationship, the one where he's not blind to the other's flaws, the one when he's not likely to make bad decisions based on the rush of good feelings, the one when he can think clearly, and feel connections and caring and love rather than NRE.

He says that under NRE he's just aware enough to realise it's affecting his judgment, but not enough to prevent it from doing that. Similar to being drunk I guess.

Does anyone have similar feelings about it? I know personally I really enjoy it, although sometimes I feel silly and immature and get embarrassed about it. But mostly, I just enjoy the rush, and while sometimes I wish I didn't get crushes on some people, for instance, I don't think I would want NRE to just stop existing.
This being said, I do like and want established relationships. But I do want to go through the NRE stage before that.
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  #420  
Old 06-03-2012, 05:21 PM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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I am right there with Seamus. I hate NRE. I make stupid decisions, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself. I take risks I know I wouldn't otherwise take. My emotions are more labile. I get anxious. I'll cry over small insecurities. I'll worry I've said the wrong thing in my eagerness, or give the wrong impression.

Yes, there are good parts of NRE, too, but I much prefer being relaxed and happy in my relationships. Once the NRE is done, I love the feeling of contentment as a couple. I enjoy most the part of a relationship where instead of going on dates and explaining ourselves to each other, we are entwined on the couch in pajamas doing crossword puzzles. Where we know each other well enough that small mistakes don't matter and trust in innate. That's where I want to be.

I don't go looking for NRE, I always just hope to survive it.
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