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  #11  
Old 05-01-2012, 01:03 AM
WhitePheonix WhitePheonix is offline
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Hey Falone. I understand completely where all parties are coming from. I walked a mile in those shoes.

I remember the first time I came home with marks.Hubby and I were walking into Walmart an I was walking a little gingerly. When I explained why... he flipped. I was about in tears when he finished berating me for crossing that line. After discussing the issue with my Dom he felt uncomfortable doing a demo for my husband. The following week we went to a munch. During the course of the evening we met another couple. The Dom in that couple offered to show my husband how it was done.. and that I would be unharmed other than a few marks. We went to the couples place after.

The evening was a good one. The other hubby showing my hubby how things were done. With the guys wife being a temp sub for my husband while the guy worked me over. Hubby learned that night that getting the marks was actually enjoyable for me. The whole process was great. For a short time the other Dom even mentored my husband. Until the day the guy actually did damage me. He took a Cane to my open palms and dismissed my screams as fright. My husband and I made the choice together not to go back.

Hubby has learned a great deal since then . Including how to trust my judgement about my own limits and not his idea of what they should be.
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  #12  
Old 05-01-2012, 02:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by falone View Post
I was warned about how he felt and stepped over that line. My biggest fear is that he not see it as an intentional disrespect of his boundaries. I respect him and the relationship that he is in.

I am feeling frustrated that my play with Detritus might be limited. I want to understand more about where her husband is coming from and anything I might be able to do to make things easier. Ultimately it is the boundaries and rules between them that will be worked on. I always feel uncomfortable when other people are making decisions that has an affect on my relationship with someone else. I do however understand the need to feel secure in a relationship, and not have another relationship shoved in your face overly much. I would like us to all walk away from this stronger, and perhaps even more connected than we are right now.
Falone, I don't think it is necessary for you to know where her hubs is coming from on this issue. That is a private matter between between Detritus and him. It is understandable that you feel frustration if the boundaries seem too restrictive, but you can find "freedom within the harness," as a wise teacher of mine used to say. We all have restrictions in life. And again, those boundaries are for them to work on between them -- and then you have the choice of whether to abide by them or walk away. Leaving marks accidentally is one thing, but you say you "were warned" and still were not as vigilant as you could have been, and then "stepped over the line," which all sound like willful choices you made (on some level - probably out of frustration), and that is not an option, nor acceptable. Though it is obvious how much you regret that.

I think it would go a long way if you talk with her husband and let him know you respect him, their marriage, and the boundaries they have, and sincerely apologize -- and then make sure you follow up and are never that lax about your watchfulness again. I would imagine that a good Dom should always have unwavering focus and attention on what is happening. I also suggest having arnica cream or massage oil on hand just in case.

I'm sure it will all work out. It sounds like everyone is communicating.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2012 at 05:34 AM.
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  #13  
Old 05-01-2012, 05:19 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I second the arnica and the vitamin C. I have a genetic condition that makes me bruise easily (and everywhere). The vitamin C is often recommended against bruising. I don't take an extremely high dose, but I aim to take it with every meal, and I have 500mg caps.

I have a wonder goo from an aromatherapist, they call it Miracle Balm. She picks the herbs and infuses them into the oil herself. I use it mostly for the arnica, even though it has many useful ingredients. If you have a local herbalist, or herb farm, or massage therapists, or really, any alternative health practitioners, they could probably refer you to someone doing something similar.

I also take a Standard Process supplement called Circuplex. It was recommended to me by a chiropractor. It's supposed to strengthen blood vessel walls. I always know when I'm forgetting it (or out of it) because my hands blow up (I have burst a blood vessel in my pinky from tying my shoe!). Good stuff.
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  #14  
Old 05-01-2012, 05:24 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I also meant to say, if your hubs has a serious history of abuse, some good therapy is definitely in order. It is important, I'd say critical, to be able to separate the past from the now. I say this as a person who spent many intensive years dealing with my own sordid history.

People who didn't know me then (and there aren't many still with me), they meet me now, and don't actually believe that I have history or that I was ever as dysfunctional as I was. It's a little irritating, frankly. But I wouldn't trade the freedom I created for anything. I'm not saying he's dysfunctional. I'm just saying I understand coming from a hideous background. I really understand how worth it it is to do the work and be free of it.

If he acknowledges and owns that it's his issue, I beg of him to not do it alone. Sure, it can be done, but why work so hard and why tough it out? Especially when there are so very many sources available for help and guidance.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #15  
Old 05-01-2012, 03:46 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I have no frame of reference but I wonder how wise it would be to have a person with an abuse history to watch a loved one being beaten or flogged. It just might trigger some PTSD event. Buying and wearing a night gown might be way cheaper and easier than $150 per hour shrink.

I wasn't suggesting that your husband shared his painful past with you....I was merely suggesting that you should ask him if the feeling surrounding the sight of these bruises and marks might be tied to his past. More for him to ponder ...alone. I certainly don't think browbeating would be a good idea ....and if this a taboo topic then maybe it does have more relevance...like you were thinking...which makes this stickier.
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  #16  
Old 05-01-2012, 05:36 PM
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detritus detritus is offline
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Thanks for the words of advice everyone. I'm not sure I have more to add at the moment, but you've all given me much to think about. I had good (if tough) conversations with all involved last night. My husband has been seeing a therapist for the last few months--and I have too. We've no embarrassment around that. Life can be tough for everyone, but why not get a little help if you can?

I'm not sure he'll ever be interested in seeing "how it's done" but it's interesting that some people find that tack helpful. Nightgown or no nightgown, it's fairly impossible to live with a lover and not have them see you in various states of disrobe. In general I try to keep the bruises hidden, but he still sees them and/or knows they are there. I think taking extreme measure to keep him from ever seeing them would cause greater damage to our relationship than talking it through as we are doing now. It feels very secretive, distancing, and--well--more like cheating than poly.
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  #17  
Old 05-01-2012, 07:39 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Even if no helpful solutions were found it sounds like this may have been a catalyst to a needed conversation.

I agree going to extreme measures to hide them might have the reverse effect. However when I suggested it I was thinking of it as a mutually agreed upon solution. If he saw you wearing a night gown he'd know there was some bruising or marks ....similar to the verbal warning ...and it might take away that in your face type thing. However not knowing the size, depth, and body part the bruising is on ... could make a world of difference to him. I know the feminists will say it's your body and you can do with it what you want ....but he may love looking, admiring, touching those body parts and to see it that way (no matter how much you enjoyed getting them ) would be like someone spraying graffiti on the Sistine Chapel. And then's there's the possible turn off of kissing, feeling up, and or being intimate with an accident victim....( just the possible image in his head).
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  #18  
Old 05-09-2012, 03:20 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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This might be a weird idea, but I'll throw it out there:

Rather than try to hide the bruises (which would seem to make the problem a bigger deal than it is), would it be possible for you and your husband to deliberately inspect your bruises together when you come home? (Or maybe the next day?) Could you make it a sort of loving ritual that you two do together? Something that would happen regularly and not be a surprise?

This could be way to build connection and emotional intimacy around your bruising. Like, maybe he could kiss your bruises tenderly in a way that reaffirms your love for each other each time you come home. (But not as sex play; it's not going to be arousing for your husband to see those bruises).

I know the sight of your bruises must be physically nauseating and horrifying for him, but maybe over time he could learn to feel differently about it. Like, what if you were a boxer and getting bruised was just a part of your life? A boxer's partner might lovingly inspect her body after each fight, and help her put salve on the bruises, etc.

That way your bruises would become less about your other lover than about your husband learning to understand an important part of you.

As a woman finally getting to explore my long-repressed kinky side, I sympathize with you and where you're coming from, and all the new emotions you are having.

But as someone who is way on the vanilla side of kinky, and is pretty weirded out by hard-core BDSM, especially S&M, I sympathize with your husband and get where he is coming from. At the very least, it must be creepy to see bruises on one's partner.
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  #19  
Old 05-09-2012, 09:28 PM
Tea4three Tea4three is offline
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I have had a bit of this recently.
My husband was away with my/our gf for the weekend and, as planned they did some fairly rough BDSM. Now I am kinky too, but like slightly different things to her, and the bruises she had were pinning down, "proper" beating (rather than more ritualised type flogging) etc. Now I am quite protective of her, I top her too, but I'm very deliberate and subtle with it, I feel a bit odd about knowing that he has been hurting her. I'm not sure how to define it. I might do sadistic things to her, but I wouldn't punch her in the face, he would, and that is exactly what she wants from him.
The thing she did that actually made me more comfortable, was explained (or affirmed, because I really know what her motivations are) why she *needed* him to do that. She had a really difficult couple of days and she needed the release of being properly hurt, nothing else would have released that tension. I can recognise that he wasn't hurting her, so much as facilitating her healing. We all have different reasons for doing BDSM, but would understanding yours help him?
You might be able to prevent/reduce the bruising, if it is arms/legs etc from being pinned down, that's hard, but if it is from spanking, flogging or the like, you can reduce it by warming up. If your top starts with a softer paddle/flogger, gently, and builds up, the fluid rises into the skin, it gets puffy and red, but it cushions the blows as they get harder. It still hurts (it can be more stingy) but it bruises much less. Properly warming up can be the difference between being black and blue the next morning, and not having a mark on you.
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  #20  
Old 05-10-2012, 04:38 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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T4three,

So your husband has actually hit your girlfriend with a bare fist in the face....wow that is true love ...and really great control ...as to not cause serious injury. How do practice that? Talk about wearing a mark or bruises....on the face...wow. Does she cover these with make up or wear them as a badge of honor?

I've been punched in the face ...nose broken a few times and a cracked cheek bone but I think your girlfriend should be giving the advice here.
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