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  #11  
Old 04-21-2012, 02:34 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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Some things I have done to cope...stay involved in a lot of activites, even take on a few extra. I try not to turn down any invitations. I play sports, I go on outings with friends, I sit on a board of a non-profit, I volunteer my time, I keep busy. I didn't drop everything when I started this relationship and most days it's all I can do to keep up my house, my friendships, my work, and my relationship with my SO. Doing one of any of the above things usually means something else has to give.

To cope, I have read books. A friend recommended a NLP book and one I just started called "Be Who You Want, Have What You Want: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life." That book is about finding happiness in your life and taking deliberate steps to achieve happiness. It has exercises to do at the end of each chapter. I stumbled on another book that I really liked called "If The Buddha Dated." I think I found it on another thread around here, actually.

That dating book led me to my third coping path which was learning about Buddhism. A friend recommended Zencast, a podcast about Buddhism, and it's been fascinating. I'm not a religious person, but, to me so far, Buddhism looks like more of a practice than a faith. I like the idea of letting go of my attachments to some things I really want, things that I long for. If I could let go of my pretty idea of a future, I think I could cope better with being a secondary who doesn't know where this relationship could go besides where it is now.

I also talk to my SO about my feelings all the time. He is loving and patient, but sometimes it gets to the point where *I* don't want to hear it anymore!

Most, if not all, of the activities above are adding to and enriching my life. I'm not regretting any of them, but what tends to creep into my thinking...wouldn't it be great to do them all WITH a partner?

So, coping doesn't really work since it doesn't solve the problem, but it leads to other good things.
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Intimate relationships are extremely rewarding and I do depend on them. Most of the things I value in life can only be realized in relationship, so relationships are extremely important for me. That said- any time I begin to feel like I'm not getting enough from a particular person, it is a flag for me to take charge of my life. I like to consider things like- what is my purpose in life? What are my strengths, gifts and talents? How can I contribute to others? Perhaps I could focus more on my clients and develop more meaningful connections with them which will enhance the services I am providing to them. Am I happy with my career? What about my retirement plan?
Idealist, I really like your approach of putting other aspects of my life under the microscope to see what I can do there to alleviate any dissatisfaction. I know that my recent restlessness has caused me to repaint my dining room and rearrange my furniture in my living room, both things I've been meaning to do for years. What else can I reorganize? Hmm.
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  #12  
Old 04-21-2012, 03:33 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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Oh, and I cope by checking into this site frequently. I read about everyone else's struggles, triumphs, and journeys. It helps to keep my own issues in perspective. Every once in a while, I might even have something useful to say.
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  #13  
Old 04-21-2012, 04:09 AM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PaperGrace View Post
Oh, and I cope by checking into this site frequently. I read about everyone else's struggles, triumphs, and journeys. It helps to keep my own issues in perspective. Every once in a while, I might even have something useful to say.
PaperGrace, I've alwways find your thoughts to be useful. .

Precious1, I have been thinking about this a lot this week. And I really took a step back to evaluate what I do to pass that time in between. Everything I said before is still valid, I spend time with my children, my frends and family, I focus on my career, my health and my home. as paper grace says, other ways to enrich your life. But at night, when all is quiet and my mind can wander to him and wish I was with him, what do I do? I can read, for a short time. I can journal my thoughts from the day. I can try to watch TV although I am not a big fan of tv..... But sometimes I have to remind myself that while I am sitting here missing him, he is choosing to be elsewhere, not with me, and I doubt he's pining for me the same way. So my pride kicks in and I think "screw that, why am I wasting this energy for nothing. It's unfair." For a brief time, I debate finding anther bf, it kick starts me out of that funk. Temporarily. Until I remember how he tells me that he misses me too when we are not together. But at least it spares me a little bit of down time.

Sleeping works too. Lol!
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  #14  
Old 04-28-2012, 09:16 PM
Precious1 Precious1 is offline
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Giving a try to what help helped me most when I was emotionally a wreck detaching my co-dependency from my abusive husband..

Affirmations.

Written up and posted where I see them most.
Here's the list I've been working with for the past few days, and it is seeming to help. I'll check in later to let you know how it goes and if I have revised or added to the list of affirmations.

I WILL NOT be saddened by the lack of contact or presence of a man who cannot fulfill my emotional needs on a regular basis.

I WILL NOT mope when my desire for his contact, or my desire to touch or share with him is not met.

I WILL enjoy what he IS willing to share with me - emotionally, physically, time.

I WILL NOT let my concerns for the health of his marriage interfere with the pursuit of my happiness and mental health.

I WILL place the burden of informing me if my actions or desires are detrimental to them where they belong - on my partner and his spouse.

I WILL plan my activities around my "primary" - myself - even when that requires foregoing be available for some of the time he may be willing to share with me.

I WILL share my love for him freely and un-encumbered by misplaced guilt.

I CAN put myself first!

Last edited by Precious1; 04-28-2012 at 09:33 PM.
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  #15  
Old 04-29-2012, 03:38 AM
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LadyKane LadyKane is offline
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I love this list. Keep it up! I recently posted a post it note on my computer monitor that was similar. Reminder's to myself to keep my paranoia and ability to drastically overthink everything under control... and it worked. Mostly
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  #16  
Old 04-30-2012, 05:08 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyKane View Post
I love this list. Keep it up! I recently posted a post it note on my computer monitor that was similar. Reminder's to myself to keep my paranoia and ability to drastically overthink everything under control... and it worked. Mostly
I love it! I, too, have to remind myself to refrain from overthinking. Great idea to post a reminder to yourself! I have "This too shall pass" posted at my desk (and tattooed on my ribcage!) to remind me that nothing is permanent, especially the negative emotions, stress, saddness, frustration, loneliness . Reminds me to "Take a breath, it will always pass."

Precious1 - great list! I love that you refer to your Primary as Yourself. Great thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
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  #17  
Old 04-30-2012, 05:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
I have "This too shall pass" posted at my desk (and tattooed on my ribcage!) to remind me that nothing is permanent...
Ahh, this made me chuckle. A tattoo to remind you of impermanence...
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-30-2012 at 05:34 PM.
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  #18  
Old 04-30-2012, 06:19 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
A tattoo to remind you of impermanence...
haha! So very true! One thing that never changes is the fact that everything will change... Now there's a riddle!
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