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  #21  
Old 04-29-2012, 11:02 PM
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DevotedGeek DevotedGeek is offline
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Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
...often enough, the rationalizations we come up with for our behavior have absolutely nothing to do with the real reasons. ...the answers I come up with are not very satisfactory or convincing to me.
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It sounds like you need him to give you more attention and hands on loving actions to really believe he loves you. That isn't uncommon. Reassurance is really important when partners go out to find more love in their life. If I were you I would ask him to get on that sooner rather than later.
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Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
I don't know what else he could do to reassure me.
I'm a strong believer in cementing one relationship before adding another. Do you feel like you've had enough time together yet, just the two of you? What stage do you consider the two of you in this relationship: casually dating, serious and committed, etc.? And where do you want it to be? Is there some more development that you want in your relationship before opening it up? Or perhaps the opposite, is the relationship too serious and important to open up?

I also agree with RedPepper, that you may need additional reassurance from him, and that's perfectly normal and reasonable. The tricky part is that if you don't know what you need, it's unlikely he will either. How do you feel about the relationship right now, if you forget about the issue of mono vs poly and just focus on the two of you together?
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  #22  
Old 04-30-2012, 12:16 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Originally Posted by DevotedGeek View Post
I'm a strong believer in cementing one relationship before adding another. Do you feel like you've had enough time together yet, just the two of you? What stage do you consider the two of you in this relationship: casually dating, serious and committed, etc.? And where do you want it to be? Is there some more development that you want in your relationship before opening it up? Or perhaps the opposite, is the relationship too serious and important to open up?

I also agree with RedPepper, that you may need additional reassurance from him, and that's perfectly normal and reasonable. The tricky part is that if you don't know what you need, it's unlikely he will either. How do you feel about the relationship right now, if you forget about the issue of mono vs poly and just focus on the two of you together?
The first issue you raised touches on something my partner and I disagree about. He believes that if a relationship is going to be poly, it should be poly from the beginning -- transitioning from mono to poly is too hard. He has had more experience than I have, but I lean toward what you're implying -- that a solid mono-ish foundation is a prerequisite for functional additional relationships.

We are both about as serious as you can get about the relationship, which I think is why this is weighing on me so heavily. Neither of us particularly values marriage, so that's a non-issue, but he really, really wants to have children soon and I have slowly come around on the issue. So we end up vacillating between "let's have a baby!!!" and "maybe this isn't working and we should break up." It feels (is) really unhealthy and frustrating to be swinging wildly between those two extremes. (We won't be making any irreversible decisions until this issue is worked out.)

I don't know how to say about my feelings about the relationship. It's hard to separate the relationship from the poly issues. Before things really opened up, I was feeling good but not great. There were a couple minor issues I had raised, and my partner had begun to address.

But since the poly issue became central, our relationship has been perpetually on the rocks. We have been forced to get a lot better at communicating and resolving conflicts, which is promising.

When it comes to the issue of not feeling loved/reassured -- I'm just not sure how much that has to do with the poly/jealousy issues. It was a problem in earlier stages of the relationship, so when I was grasping for explanations for the extreme jealousy I was feeling, it was the best thing I could come up with. The more I think about it, though, the less it seems to be a true statement, and the less I really think it relates to the poly problems.

I might be wrong. I really have no idea. I have never been more confused about my own thoughts and feelings than I am right now.
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  #23  
Old 04-30-2012, 12:54 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
He believes that if a relationship is going to be poly, it should be poly from the beginning -- transitioning from mono to poly is too hard.
This is something I wonder about. A casual couple months in this forum and looking up other poly resources makes me think that most polys started out as mono marriages.

I might be wrong, and it would be nice if others chimed in.

In the open relationships I`ve had, though not nominally poly, I started out de facto mono, although de jure open, if that makes any sense. In other words, I've let them know from the start that I am not monogamous, but felt no desire to be with anyone else during the initial stages of the relationship.

Knowing myself, and depending on the relationship, I usually begin wishing for new partners around the 3rd month. It is definitely contingent upon how infatuated I am, etc. But, I think I`ve only had a serious level of reciprocal infatuation with someone about twice.

How long have you been together?
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 04-30-2012 at 01:00 AM.
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  #24  
Old 04-30-2012, 01:01 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Originally Posted by feelyunicorn View Post
How long have you been together?
1 year this coming Saturday.

For more background regarding timelines -- my partner had a couple FWB/casual hookups and we had a threesome in the first few months of the relationship that were not a problem. About 7 months in he started getting itchy to find a secondary. I definitely didn't feel ready but thought I'd get over it. About a month later he found one and everything got much worse for me instead of better. We've been dealing with the fallout since.

I don't foresee myself being interested in dating for another year or so, but it is really much more a matter of meeting someone I feel a strong connection with than a numbers game.
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  #25  
Old 04-30-2012, 01:07 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
1 year this coming Saturday.

For more background regarding timelines -- my partner had a couple FWB/casual hookups and we had a threesome in the first few months of the relationship that were not a problem. About 7 months in he started getting itchy to find a secondary. I definitely didn't feel ready but thought I'd get over it. About a month later he found one and everything got much worse for me instead of better. We've been dealing with the fallout since.

I don't foresee myself being interested in dating for another year or so, but it is really much more a matter of meeting someone I feel a strong connection with than a numbers game.
Sorry for asking so many questions, but do you live in the same household?
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 04-30-2012 at 04:05 AM.
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  #26  
Old 04-30-2012, 01:10 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Sorry for asking so many questions, but do you live in the same household?
No problem. We do live together, in a big house with great housemates.
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  #27  
Old 04-30-2012, 01:25 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
No problem. We do live together, in a big house with great housemates.
Thanks for answering. I hope I`m not crass in saying that your situation is instructive to me, since poly is basically an abstraction to me. I`ve had concurrent casual partners, but in the one situation in which I was actually in love with two partners they did not give me consent.

It`s one thing to say that, in theory, a couple can have other partners, etc. But, reality is probably more disjointed.

And, taking into account the fact that, at different periods in a relationship, there may be a differential in the level of infatuation, as well as the possibility that one of the partners may find secondaries sooner than the other (as in your case), it makes me wonder what I would do.

I wish you luck.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 04-30-2012 at 01:34 AM.
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  #28  
Old 04-30-2012, 04:03 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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If this situation is instructive to you, at least some good will have come out of it. What a fucking mess.

My partner thinks I just need to find someone else to date so that I am actually getting something out of this. I guess all I can do is give it a shot.
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  #29  
Old 04-30-2012, 04:17 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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I guess all I can do is give it a shot.
Can`t you also break up with him?
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  #30  
Old 04-30-2012, 04:31 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Sure, but I'd rather not if it can be avoided.
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