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Old 04-29-2012, 06:30 PM
detritus's Avatar
detritus detritus is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 34
Default Bruises angering my vanilla husband

I've read through this thread and looked around the forums a bit and can't seem to find anyone struggling with the issue I'm struggling with right now. My husband and I are still fairly new to poly, but doing much better than we were several months ago when I was posting a bit more. He's quite vanilla and I'm just beginning to discover my kinky side. I've had fantasies about kinky sex for years but had a lot of fear, repression, etc. holding me back from making those fantasies a reality.

Anyway, I've been dating my BF for about three months now and things are going quite well. He and my husband get along and my BF is very experienced in poly and BDSM so we've got the communication down. The problem is I occasionally come home with bruises and my husband finds them upsetting. He has a history of abuse in his family and I think they bring up feelings around that. He's also said it makes it seem like the sex is too "in his face" when there are marks to hint at specific things that happened. I think his feelings around this are completely understandable and valid. To his credit, he owns these feelings as "his issue to get over."

I've agreed to try my hardest not to end up with marks. But it's easier said than done. Unfortunately, I'm pale and my BF says I bruise easier than anyone else he's played with before. And in the moment, I can't feel the difference between pain that will leave a bruise and pain that won't. Appearance-wise, my skin turns red immediately with any impact but the bruises don't develop for about an hour. So even though I'm trying hard to respect my husband's feelings, I'm often coming home with marks and he feels like I don't care about them at all.

Any advice? Ways to help my husband come to terms with the bruises so they are less triggering? Vitamins to take to reduce my tendency to bruise? Forms of play that are less likely to leave marks? I'm new to all of this. I'm finding it very tough to process all the emotions BDSM is raising for me, especially when a date with my BF ends on a sour note after I notice the bruises and then I know that when I get home I'll feel rejected because my husband needs space away from me to process his anger.
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