Originally Posted by MorningTwilight
OP, it sounds like you're looking for a recipe for how to come out to your SO in some kind of a gentle way that will absolutely, positively, prevent your SO from leaving.
There isn't one. I've looked hard for one, and have spent a lot of time here and elsewhere. It boils down to this: use kind words and kind language, but DO share your feelings honestly. .......
Thank you MorningTwilight. And thanks to everyone who has shared their thoughts on this thread (lovefromgirl, Savage, bassman, Icewraithonyx, Somegeezer, nycindie, Phy, NovemberRain, and others)
What Morning says is really the truth. There is no set way
to reveal one's newly discovered self to your partner. It is completely different from one set of circumstances to the next, from one monogamous relationship to the next, from one person to the next.
Originally Posted by MorningTwilight
Then STFU and let your SO talk. If your SO doesn't want to talk, then continue and perhaps say something like, "You don't have to say anything, and I'm not asking for any kind of a decision right now. I love you. There is nothing wrong with you--in fact, this is not about you at all; it's about who and what I am, and I need to be able to be honest about that. I do not want to leave you, and I will not act without your consent; however, I do need you to really consider this: read about it, think about it, talk with people and ask questions about it, and talk with me about it. Take your time."
You have to be resigned to the very real possibility that this discussion could unwind your relationship. There is no way to have this discussion without taking that risk. There just isn't.
But, although there is no single set of directions, no 'right path' through the forest, there is a clear direction as Morning has written about. Do you want to give your monogamous partner the best chance possible to save your relationship? That's the question you have to be honest with yourself first.
If that answer is Yes, then here's the path:
- Never lie
- Tell him/her you love them
- Tell them what you have discovered about yourself
- Tell them how far you are into the process of self-discovery, it isn't likely that you have settled into your newly evolved self yet, admit that there may still be changes to come
- Tell them you love them again
There are a million ways to do the above, this is where you have to use your brain, and see it from their perspective (it helps to be empathetic). But you can't rush this. That will ruin everything.
I told my SO in March. It's now the end of April. And she has already started reading "The Art end Etiquette of Polyamory
" by Simpiere and listening to the Polyamory Weekly
podcast hosted by Minx.
We talk about polyamory in loose ways, on her timetable, and only as much as is comfortable for her. I do not press any issue at all. I end every discussion with a sincere admission of my love for her and my commitment to go down this road at her pace, together.
Just a few days ago my SO joked about sharing me with others. I smiled, and kept my mouth closed. Be honest always, but know when to shut-up as well.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is that no pressure is put on one's partner. Even if you believe that pressuring your SO will make the process move faster, that will only work in the short term, and true long-lasting embracing of the poly life will always be doubtful.
The way I see it, I have been poly all my life without having a name for it. And now that I know who I am, I'm willing to wait a year, or several, to be the person I am if that's what my SO needs.
I'll be back to keep everyone up to date.