Book and Website Recommendations

[rubyfish]

My husband and I are taking baby steps into polyamory. Everything is still in the hypothetical, but I've been doing lots of research (both because I'm the poly one and I'm really rather neurotic). I was looking for some book recommendation. I'm looking for books to help my husband understand how I feel and what I want.

I just finished The Ethical Slut and it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for. I think there is great information in there about managing jealousy and emotions, but it just wasn't emphasizing what I was hoping for. I'm looking for a book that talks more about love and less about sex, because that's me. Sex is nice and all, but for me it's about love and connection. No offense to anyone with other view points, but I was hoping there was a book that was more in tune with me.

Thanks so much,

Ruby

[LovingRadiance]

Just today I read the following recommendations on other threads here:

Living Happily Ever After-Marsha Sinetar
The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem-Nathaniel Brandon
Divine Sex:liberating sex from religious tradition-Philo Thelos

I know Mono had posted another because he didn't like the Ethical Slut-but I can't recall what thread it was on. You might pm him....

[MonoVCPHG]

This is the book I most recommend so far for those that want to explain polyamory to someone.

Polyamory:
The New Love Without Limits

http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com/books.html


Here is my reasoning for not recommending the Ethical Slut or even the book Opening Up.

Both the above books are more directed at those that want to open up. They are less sensitive to a person who is trying to understand why their partner needs this.

The New Love Without Limits, although less in depth and simplistic, does a better job of explaining the multiple "loving" aspect of polyamory in my opinion.

The "Ethical Slut" reads like a how-to to fuck lots of people in a mature responsible way.

Opening Up is a book for couples who want to open up.

A lot of times we are dealing with people who do not want to open up. This requires a great deal of clarity, sensitivity, and understanding of their perspective when presenting the reasons for how and why their partner wants/needs and can even have multiple loves.

I'm not sure of a book specifically designed for those people..the ones looking at their partners with broken hearts, feeling loss, inadequate or replaced.
I don't mean to sound dramatic..but that is what we are dealing with.

Peace and Love
Mono

[AutumnalTone]

Heh. The New Love Without Limits is a book I recommend people avoid because it has far too much New Age fluff crust to truly be useful, in my opinion.

Jenny Block's book, Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage, is an interesting place to start.

I also recommend Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino. Of the books I've read on polyamory (and I've not read all available, as yet) this is the one I think provides better coverage and discussion of all aspects of non-monogamy, which helps provide a better understanding of how polyamory fits in with other forms of non-monogamy.

Thomas Moore's The Soul of Sex is a book I found quite interesting. It doesn't deal specifically with polyamory, and has quite a lot to do with relationships and marriage.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by SeventhCrow

Heh. The New Love Without Limits is a book I recommend people avoid because it has far too much New Age fluff crust to truly be useful, in my opinion.

.

Your comments are echoed to me by many poly people I know Seventh Crow. Fasciniating how a mono mind can look at the same words differently. Not that all monos see things my way. Thanks for giving some more ideas for reading

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Fasciniating how a mono mind can look at the same words differently.

Honestly, I don't think it has much to do with a "mono mind" reading it versus a "poly mind". I think it just has to do with whether people like to swallow that kind of writing or not.

I also think there's not that much difference between a mono and poly mind.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

Honestly, I don't think it has much to do with a "mono mind" reading it versus a "poly mind". I think it just has to do with whether people like to swallow that kind of writing or not. .

I think it has everything to do with wiring. Of course mono minds don't want to swallow open ideas....that is undeniable....we're mono wired...we don't want to open up because we have no need to. "We - don't - want - to". I admit it; it has no appeal to me, no greater sense of learning or mind expanding qualities, no more evolved concept. I don't see it as a world sweeping movement or the next stage of evolution in social dynamics. I merely see it as something that some people want and are capable of.
I see nothing wrong with it. I see only people being themselves.

Some people want to open up thinking they are mono. The mere desire to open up indicates to me that they are mono conditioned and not mono wired.

Originally Posted by Ceoli

I also think there's not that much difference between a mono and poly mind.

I agree Ceoli..except in one area, but we both know that LOL!

I find it interesting that a mono person can accept the concept of poly wiring so easily but that so many poly people I know cannot accept mono wiring.

Arguing the point is moot because we can't actually feel what is in each other's minds.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I think it has everything to do with wiring. Of course mono minds don't want to swallow open ideas....that is undeniable....we're mono wired...we don't want to open up because we have no need to. "We - don't - want - to". I admit it; it has no appeal to me, no greater sense of learning or mind expanding qualities, no more evolved concept. I don't see it as a world sweeping movement or the next stage of evolution in social dynamics. I merely see it as something that some people want and are capable of.
I see nothing wrong with it. I see only people being themselves.

Some people want to open up thinking they are mono. The mere desire to open up indicates to me that they are mono conditioned and not mono wired.

Huh? This is sarcastic, right?

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I find it interesting that a mono person can accept the concept of poly wiring so easily but that so many poly people I know cannot accept mono wiring.

That's a pretty flawed reasoning. Thankfully most of the people I know don't think that way. But the thing is in this wiring vs. conditioning debate, scientists haven't been able to parcel out where one stops and the other begins, so I suspect it's a combination of both for everyone. But I still don't see how a "mono" mind is going to read a book differently because they're "mono wired". That makes no sense whatsoever.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Arguing the point is mute because we can't actually feel what is in each other's minds.

That doesn't make the point moot. In fact, I may start another thread about it sometime.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

Huh? This is sarcastic, right? .

No, Ceoli. Actually it is meant to be honest from the mind of a Mono "wired" person.

Originally Posted by Ceoli

That's a pretty flawed reasoning. Thankfully most of the people I know don't think that way. But the thing is in this wiring vs. conditioning debate, scientists haven't been able to parcel out where one stops and the other begins, so I suspect it's a combination of both for everyone. But I still don't see how a "mono" mind is going to read a book differently because they're "mono wired". That makes no sense whatsoever. .

Of course it doesn't to you...you are not mono wired.

What one mind reads as a guide to enable you to realize something, the other mind interprets it as a potential threat. It's really quite simple that two people can interpret the same stimulus differently.

If a punch is thrown at the average person on the street it is usually seen as a pretty threatening thing that elicits a defensive response.

If a punch is thrown at a trained fighter it is viewed as a stimulus that elicits an offensive response.

Same thing..different interpretation of what it means and how to deal with it.

Easy peasy

No sarcasm

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

That's a pretty flawed reasoning. Thankfully most of the people I know don't think that way. .

Ow..that's kinda personal Ceoli