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  #201  
Old 04-25-2012, 12:18 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm just gonna say "Go JJ!" here. Many people might choose to come up with a list of rules/guidelines in this situation that would arbitrarily restrict you and not end up providing them with any real sense of security. Instead he's looking inwards and admitting that he doesn't know what he needs yet, if anything, because things are still too new. I think that shows an awesome level of honesty and courage, a desire to be real rather than to have all the answers. Rock on.
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  #202  
Old 04-26-2012, 01:01 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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On a more personal note, my partners are different in the way they approach the whole processing thing. Mya is like me in this respect, the both of us enjoy good analysing session like nothing else. Alec is more to the "just living life" side of things. And poly has still worked just fine for us. It is my choice to accept him as he is, with baggage and all. I do resent the implication that I am doing poly wrong () by accommodating some insecurities he has.
Thank you for this. I'm a fan of processing and communicating a lot too, and have struggled at times with the fact that my boyfriend "just lives" more, is probably more instinctive in his actions and reactions. I generally accept this now, but with all the processing talk it is easy to feel like you're managing a relationship "wrong" if that isn't always happening. It's nice to hear an occasional approval for letting things be.
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  #203  
Old 04-26-2012, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I'm just gonna say "Go JJ!" here. Many people might choose to come up with a list of rules/guidelines in this situation that would arbitrarily restrict you and not end up providing them with any real sense of security. Instead he's looking inwards and admitting that he doesn't know what he needs yet, if anything, because things are still too new. I think that shows an awesome level of honesty and courage, a desire to be real rather than to have all the answers. Rock on.
You're right. I'm very proud of JJ for not making up boundaries in this new situation when he really doesn't know yet what's to come.

Right now I'm feeling quite restless. I feel like contacting Bob all the time but I don't do it because I want to keep it cool. And I don't mean "act" cool in his eyes, but stay cool within myself. Although I'm not sure this approach is helping much with that. I so would've wanted to keep this as casual as possible without the need for big talks but I guess that's not who I am. Not talking about it is not how I roll. I think at some point I need to know where his head is and get some clarity. I still don't want more than what I've described here earlier but I guess I'd just like to know if that is what he wants too. There is the possibility that he wants something more than me, which I don't really believe, and there's also the possibility that he wants less than me - like never seeing me again. Who knows.
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  #204  
Old 04-26-2012, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
Thank you for this. I'm a fan of processing and communicating a lot too, and have struggled at times with the fact that my boyfriend "just lives" more, is probably more instinctive in his actions and reactions. I generally accept this now, but with all the processing talk it is easy to feel like you're managing a relationship "wrong" if that isn't always happening. It's nice to hear an occasional approval for letting things be.
You're welcome I have a similar experience, in that I've struggled at times with accepting that quality of Alec's. I do like processing a lot, and have sometimes felt frustrated with him because he is not like that. Doesn't mean that he doesn't talk, just that he doesn't analyse all bits and pieces to death. But I have felt that processing isn't really a need for me in a relationship, just in general in life, so I can do it with other people (friends, and nowadays also with Mya). I do feel there's a bit of a cultural pressure coming from "a partner must meet all your needs" -direction, and once I let that go, I was able to fully appreciate Alec as he is. That is priceless for me, because wishing somebody was different doesn't feel loving to me, and I have an extreme aversion to the whole concept of trying to change somebody.

Annabel I totally agree with what you wrote about JJ. That's the way to go!

Btw, Mya, I don't think the talk with Bob needs to be all that big unless you think that it has to and thus make it so. There's no rule that you can't just ask, casually "I was wondering how you feel about things between us and how often would you like us to meet. I was thinking X, how does that sound?". Then he says "I'm fine, I was thinking Y, does that work for you?", and you say, "Great". No Big Discussion. Unless either one of you directs it into the Big Discussion Ground, but you won't if you don't feel like you want to do that, and if he does then surely he's not scared of it. (You do need to know what X is, first. I.e. what you want.) What do you think? [Unless a Big Discussion is what you want, which I think is totally fine even with casual, but I obviously don't know his thoughts.]
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  #205  
Old 04-26-2012, 08:59 AM
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Btw, Mya, I don't think the talk with Bob needs to be all that big unless you think that it has to and thus make it so. There's no rule that you can't just ask, casually "I was wondering how you feel about things between us and how often would you like us to meet. I was thinking X, how does that sound?". Then he says "I'm fine, I was thinking Y, does that work for you?", and you say, "Great". No Big Discussion. Unless either one of you directs it into the Big Discussion Ground, but you won't if you don't feel like you want to do that, and if he does then surely he's not scared of it. (You do need to know what X is, first. I.e. what you want.) What do you think? [Unless a Big Discussion is what you want, which I think is totally fine even with casual, but I obviously don't know his thoughts.]
You're right that it doesn't need to be a Big Discussion. I guess I'm a bit afraid that all those kinds of discussions that involve the future somehow, even if it's about how often we'd like to see each other, seem kinda big in this situation. I mean, how often do friends have a discussion about how often they'd like to see each other? It just happens naturally and takes the form it takes. I feel like it might be too much of a commitment even to agree seeing each other X amount regularly. But I don't know. I'm sure that because it's me we're talking about, the conversation will have to happen at some point to figure all this out.
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  #206  
Old 04-26-2012, 09:27 AM
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Awww, Mya, that restless feeling - you just sound all giddy and full of NRE.

Breathe. Rory's right, I think. It need not be a big deal to talk to Bob. In the beginning it can be hard to know how often to contact a new lover, but all you can do is reach out and see how long he takes to respond, and then sit with it for a bit. You can even toss in something like a casual, "hope I'm not bothering you" when you text him and see what he says.

But I think it might even be a little too soon to ask for an assessment of where it's going. Why not just keep it loose for a while and make plans with him when you can, not getting focused on what "the schedule" will be. I am also someone who ruminates and analyzes stuff, and I have found it to be a valuable lesson not to give in to the temptation to spew all my thoughts and questions on someone. I get to really feel the "not knowing" in my bones and it helps me get more comfortable with uncertainty.
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  #207  
Old 04-26-2012, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Awww, Mya, that restless feeling - you just sound all giddy and full of NRE.

Breathe. Rory's right, I think. It need not be a big deal to talk to Bob. In the beginning it can be hard to know how often to contact a new lover, but all you can do is reach out and see how long he takes to respond, and then sit with it for a bit. You can even toss in something like a casual, "hope I'm not bothering you" when you text him and see what he says.

But I think it might even be a little too soon to ask for an assessment of where it's going. Why not just keep it loose for a while and make plans with him when you can, not getting focused on what "the schedule" will be. I am also someone who ruminates and analyzes stuff, and I have found it to be a valuable lesson not to give in to the temptation to spew all my thoughts and questions on someone. I get to really feel the "not knowing" in my bones and it helps me get more comfortable with uncertainty.
Noooooo, not NRE! It can't be, we don't even have a relationship.

I agree with you and think it's too soon to talk about schedules, definitely. Or any kind of plans for the future. Although I will have to have a discussion with him at some point, it's not going to happen yet. I'm just so used to talking about everything with rory and nowadays also with JJ (we've grown to be much better communicators with each other through poly) that it just feels weird not talking about every single emotion or thought I have with that person. But also, it is very important to get comfortable with uncertainty so I'll take this opportunity to learn that. Maybe it's not so bad not knowing right away what the other one is thinking.
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  #208  
Old 04-26-2012, 12:58 PM
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Noooooo, not NRE! It can't be, we don't even have a relationship.
Oh, I don't think that makes you safe.
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  #209  
Old 04-26-2012, 01:31 PM
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Oh, I don't think that makes you safe.
I know, I know, I was just joking. But I also think calling this NRE already is a bit of a stretch..
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  #210  
Old 04-26-2012, 08:26 PM
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I know, I know, I was just joking. But I also think calling this NRE already is a bit of a stretch..
Well, it might not technically be a Relationship yet, but when I read your post about feeling restless and not knowing what to say or how often to contact him, I thought of that euphoric feeling when you start seeing someone and it's all deliciously tingly yet angsty and the same time. That crazy feeling of wanting to know if someone you like, likes you back the same way - limerence, I guess, would be more accurate, or maybe infatuation. I don't usually use the term NRE so maybe I had it mixed up with limerence.

I thought it was cute on you, anyway! Sorry!
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