Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-27-2009, 06:34 PM
nyxangel nyxangel is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
Default Wow, where to start?!

Hi all,

let me start by saying I'm new and not quite sure where I fit in here as such. I don't know if I can be considered poly-curious just yet, but I find myself in a situation where I feel the wonderful people of the poly community (yes, that's you guys!) are the people to talk to and bounce some thoughts off.

A quick intro to who I (we) am (are). I'm an open minded, bi female in a 6 year mono relationship and as a couple we're active within the BDSM community. From the very beginning of the relationship we have discussed the idea of introducing a second female to the relationship on a sexual level. There's no pressure from either side, it's definitely something we're both equally interested in and neither of us feel the relationship is somehow lacking something as it currently stands. But we do feel a third person could bring a new and interesting dynamic. We are also both of the opinion that its more than possible to feel love for more than one person.

I suppose the fantasy is we'll find a mythical creature who will share our bed on a casual basis with no strings attached so to speak. Of course the reality could never be that simple. On a personal level we both agree that sex without some kind of emotional attachment to the other partner is just going through the motions. Although it might satisfy our physical desires it's not going to add anything to our lives as those physical desires are already being met. And coming from a BDSM background an emotional bond along with the trust and understanding it brings is vital to the activities we take part in. I don't think that level of emotional need can be satisfied by someone who just takes part in our sex life without playing a part in the rest of our lives too.

So what's holding us back? Well, nothing on my partners side, but fear on my part. Fear that I may not be able to work through any jealousy I may experience and fear that I may end up feeling inadequate somehow. Fear that once we've tried it we might decide the poly lifestyle isn't for us, but our relationship has been irreparably damaged by the experience. Is the reward worth the risks involved? I keep on coming back to the old adage "if it ain't broke don't fix it".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a pessimist by any means! I just want to make sure I'm prepared for the challenges we may meet along the way. It would have been so much easier if we had made the decision 6 years ago whilst the relationship was still new. But now I'm torn. His happiness is incredibly important to me. Worst case scenario, if the relationship morphed into a twosome that didn't involve me for instance and it made him happy then I think I would be happy for him. But of course I'd rather that sort of situation didn't occur in the first place!

So how do you do it? How do you get past that fear of the unknown? How do you deal with any jealousy that may occur? How do you decide that the risk is worth the possible rewards? Of course we can only make those decisions for ourselves, but I would really appreciate hearing some of your thoughts and opinions.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-29-2009, 01:09 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nyxangel View Post
I suppose the fantasy is we'll find a mythical creature who will share our bed on a casual basis with no strings attached so to speak.
A unicorn...? Do a search, there is lots on here about that...

Quote:
Originally Posted by nyxangel View Post
So what's holding us back? Well, nothing on my partners side, but fear on my part. Fear that I may not be able to work through any jealousy I may experience and fear that I may end up feeling inadequate somehow. Fear that once we've tried it we might decide the poly lifestyle isn't for us, but our relationship has been irreparably damaged by the experience. Is the reward worth the risks involved? I keep on coming back to the old adage "if it ain't broke don't fix it".
Of course it's worth it. To me anything that gives me a deeper understanding of who I am and a deeper understanding of who I chose to share my love with is very worth it. It sounds like if it "ain't broke" then you are in a great place to move forward with Poly. It's people who come on here and have had it forced on them by their partner and now have to deal, or that are asking for poly relationships and their partners are weary that I worry. If you are both looking for more and find that what you have is not enough, then the time is right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nyxangel View Post
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a pessimist by any means! I just want to make sure I'm prepared for the challenges we may meet along the way. It would have been so much easier if we had made the decision 6 years ago whilst the relationship was still new. But now I'm torn. His happiness is incredibly important to me. Worst case scenario, if the relationship morphed into a twosome that didn't involve me for instance and it made him happy then I think I would be happy for him. But of course I'd rather that sort of situation didn't occur in the first place!

So how do you do it? How do you get past that fear of the unknown? How do you deal with any jealousy that may occur? How do you decide that the risk is worth the possible rewards? Of course we can only make those decisions for ourselves, but I would really appreciate hearing some of your thoughts and opinions.
The length of time you have been together, the fact that you seem like a strong couple that are in tune with each other indicates to me that you may be ready. Do lots of reading of others stories on here, look all over the net, ask questions when they come up, communicate, start thinking of boundaries and "rules" get used to the language, look at dating sights, seek out a poly group in your location and decide who you are looking for and then patiently wait until the universe provides. Be ready and it will come. Remember that we get what we ask for, so be very careful what you seek and be open to what comes along. I believe that people and circumstances happen for a reason, being open to seeing why things happen and why people come into my life is very important to my growth as a person. I suggest that it would be for you too.

good luck.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-29-2009, 03:32 PM
nyxangel nyxangel is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
Default

Thanks for your reply redpepper, I think we've definitely got a lot to think and talk about. I think just writing my thoughts down has clarified a few things in my mind which I wasn't really expecting. In reality I think I'm more ready for this than I originally thought. My fears, although real, I can see are somewhat irrational. That's not to say I won't come to light, but that I can kind of see past them.

If I wasn't "enough" for my partner, or he needed something different then he'd have gone out already and found someone else right? We've always communicated openly in our relationship and taken a very realistic view. Right from the start we've recognised that feelings (and people) can change and although we can make a commitment to each other right now we can't promise that we'll love each other forever. And it's been agreed that if that should happen then we'll talk it out and decide where to go from there. That doesn't mean I've been sat around worrying for the last 6 years that his feelings towards me might change so why should I be worried now? We just take things day by day and see how the relationship develops. I guess we just need to take that same organic approach when we start on this new part of our journey together.

It's a little more difficult to understand why we want to take things in this direction though and it's something that we will have to discuss I suppose. On my part it's not because I'm looking for something more or what we have alone isn't enough, and I'm definitely not being forced into it by my partner. I'm not sure I can really say why I think it might be right for us, I just know it's something I would like to explore.

I'm a little more concerned about my partners motivation though I'm not sure what it is yet. His desire to find a unicorn makes me wonder if this is the right path. Are his motives purely to spice things up a bit, is it just a sexual fantasy? Or is he searching for a unicorn as he thinks I'm more likely to agree to it as the safer option? I know for a fact that although he is more than able to find females sexually attractive he needs the mental attraction to make it a fulfilling experience.

It's how we met, we were both single people who had had a string of casual encounters that left us feeling unfulfilled. We were both looking for someone we could have a deeper connection with but on a no strings basis. Neither of us we're looking to end up in a long term full on relationship, but here we are 6 years later with a mortgage and a wedding to plan.

Who knows, maybe that's where my fear of being replaced comes from. I've seen such a strong bond being unexpectedly formed so easily before and I'm concerned it will happen all over again and I'll be left out in the cold. But why should that bother me? My logical brain knows he had been in relationships in the past but things never clicked the way they did when we got to know each other, I'm so different from any of his exes. If it was so difficult for him to find someone he really clicked with in the first place and it hasn't happened with anyone else since, then what are the chances that it will happen now?

As for rules and boundaries, well neither of us are keen on them really. I'd like to think we can take the same approach we take with our relationship at the moment. The only rules we have are if something concerns us or one of us is unhappy in anyway we make time to talk about and find a way forward. Similarly, if one of us develops feelings for another person we will discuss it openly, think about what direction we would like things to go in and see where we end up. We've never tried to steer our relationship in any particular direction and I'd like to think that we could approach a poly lifestyle in the same way. Rather than say we should do this this this and this we're more the type to say "let's just give it a try, see what happens and make changes if need be".

Anyway, it seems I'm starting to ramble. Thanks again for your reply redpepper, it's given me lots more to think about.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-29-2009, 04:47 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default Dynamics

Hi Nyx,

Thanks for digging deep & sharing that stuff with us !
In reading it through the first thing that springs to mind is this thing about "completion". Although I don't know as it connects directly to any particular statement you made I think it may be an important element of the overall picture.
There seems to be this concept, this camp of people (?) from which comes this idea that we become "completed" via someone else. I see it a lot.
It scares me.
Because..............
1> I believe we can only "complete" ourselves
2> That we're all multi-faceted beings by nature and that the "pieces" we need for that "completion" are going to come from many sources - some inside - some external.

I emphasize again that these are only MY beliefs, formed from a lot of observations of the world around me and a lot of soul searching.
Maybe others believe differently and maybe their "truths" are different.

Now from a practical perspective, and I'm betting you can build your own list, we all have our own set of needs & preferences for our life to feel right to us. Lots of simple things even, preferences in food, activity, intellectual stimulation, sexual stimulation etc. Long list. When these things are going to involve other "people", I guess I don't feel it's realistic to think that we are going to "click" on ALL those items, all those "levels" with one single individual.
And I think putting this concept out on the table and analyzing it helps keep some of these things in their proper perspective. A lot of the "items" that come up that people see a need to "reach out" for - out beyond any particular relationship or connection - are just our uniqueness coming to the surface.
Which if you view it from this perspective, why is it a "threat" ? Can't we be supportive & encouraging of those around us to seek their own "fulfillment" without feeling we're losing THE connection that DOES exist between us ?
For me - it's all in how you look at it.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-30-2009, 12:41 PM
nyxangel nyxangel is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
Default

Thanks GroundedSpirit, it sounds as though my thoughts are somewhat similar to yours. It was definitely something of an eye opener when I learned that lesson. After a string of not so great relationships I made the decision to take some time out and take a long hard look at myself and what I actually wanted/needed from a relationship. It was during that time that I realised that I needed to be comfortable by myself before I could play a truly positive role in a relationship. I needed to be a whole all by myself, relationships with friends and lovers should add to what you already have, not fill in the bits you're missing.

It was that shift in thinking that led to huge changes for me. I no longer experienced the jealousy and fear that I'd felt in previous relationships, I didn't look to a partner to provide emotional security, I found it within myself and I let my relationships make me happier rather than rely on them to make me happy in the first place. Finding my partner who has a similar outlook led to a very balanced relationship which has been wonderful.

And you're completely right, when you look at things from that different perspective introducing other people to our relationship doesn't seem so threatening. So thank you for reminding me to apply that thinking to this situation. It's that pesky societal conditioning clouding my vision again!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-30-2009, 05:58 PM
Erosa's Avatar
Erosa Erosa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 138
Default

I think, based on what I've read, that you and your lover need to ask each other point blank "What do YOU want to gain out of a poly relationship?"

If honestly, all he desires is the sexual gratification of seeing you with another woman, then I don't think poly is really for you and him.

Though I'm very new to this, I have the understanding that poly-relationships ARE relationships. That's different from a one or two time sexual fling.

And it probably is going to be hurtful to any woman you and he approach offering a relationship if all that is really wanted is a few nights of fun.

So... make sure you know if you want a RELATIONSHIP or a FLING. Because otherwise people's emotions might get trampled on; you're and his as well as the 'unicorn's'.

All that being stated, I do wish you both luck in your journey of discovery as a couple.
__________________
With all my heart I will love and not fail,
With all my soul I will fly and not fall.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
second partner, third partner

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:32 PM.