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Old 04-22-2012, 06:54 PM
CCretarolo CCretarolo is offline
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Default Ack! I'm accidentally poly! Again!

So, for a while, I fell off of the poly wagon. I had several consecutive dating experiences which were nothing short of horrific (the stress in the last one resulted with hospitalization due to a kidney infection). So, both my roommate L and I (we dated a couple) decided that we were going to take some time off from dating and focus on ourselves. We've both gone out on some dates since then but nothing that we were interested in pursuing. To put it into perspective, while we are friends first, we also have a very loving (nearly) primary relationship .

Now, we both have new sexual interests and I'm personally not sure how to proceed. I hooked up with a guy who dated one of my friends in high school (about 7 years ago now) and am very excited about seeing where that connection leads. L, on the other hand, hooked up with a very good friend of mine who is staying with us until she can find a steady place to live.

I normally wouldn't be concerned but L has been very distant towards me in the last couple of days since our hook-ups happened. Also, we haven't had sex together since. So yeah... I'm a little worried that he's pulling away from me and am very concerned that he's not talking to me about the new development. I plan on giving him a few more days to process but I can feel my patience wearing thin. Do any of you have any suggestions to improve my patience and get a dialogue started when he's ready to talk?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:26 PM
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DevotedGeek DevotedGeek is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CCretarolo View Post
L has been very distant towards me in the last couple of days since our hook-ups happened. Also, we haven't had sex together since. So yeah... I'm a little worried that he's pulling away from me and am very concerned that he's not talking to me about the new development. I plan on giving him a few more days to process but I can feel my patience wearing thin. Do any of you have any suggestions to improve my patience and get a dialogue started when he's ready to talk?
My first advise is to talk about it as soon as possible. Be loving, supportive, non-confrontational, let him know how important he is to you, and find out how he's feeling. One section of our poly agreement says:
"Expressing Needs. The key to being poly is learning to (1) talk, (2) talk, and (3) talk some more. Itís important be open and honest about expressing our needs and desires, respectful of our right to ask, open minded and accepting of our differences, and supportive in working together to understand and address our needs."
My other advise is to make sure the two of you continue to court each other while you start seeing other people. NRE (new relationship energy) can be very powerful (or so I recall... it's been awhile for me ), and he might feel guilty or emotionally overwhelmed. As such, another section of our poly agreement says:
"Courting Each Other. We are sensitive to each otherís needs and emotions as we explore outside loving relationships, and we make conscious efforts to continue to honor and court each other as husband and wife, loves and lovers, primaries, and soulmates."
Ok, hopefully I don't sound like a Ferengi spouting off the rules of acquision. Personally, my two favorite rules were:
  • Rule #34 - War is good for profit.
  • Rule #35 - Peace is good for profit.
But I digress. (No wonder I can't find myself an OSO. )
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:39 PM
CCretarolo CCretarolo is offline
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Thanks! Hopefully I'll be able to start up a dialog soon.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:46 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I agree, get talking. There might be some residule feelings he has that he is perseverating on. Wouldn't want those to grow into something they don't have to be.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:54 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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CC,

I have to join the 'talk sooner rather than later' bandwagon too. It is best to get this kind of stuff out in the open as soon as possible - where it just might not be a big deal but one never knows until the situation - and feelings - can be clearly seen by all.

@DevotedGeek, I do love a good espousal of the Rules of Acquisition. If you can converse on Sarek's philosophy and impact, well, I would be a smitten kitten.
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Old 04-23-2012, 11:35 PM
CCretarolo CCretarolo is offline
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Thanks everyone!

I was able to talk to him and well... L is far more smitten with his paramore then I am with mine... More or less, he's encouraging me to pursue my new interest a lot more then I was expecting him to. We're still ok... I think... I guess that it's just a matter of wait and see at this point.
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