I've been following this thread, and think that BL is doing some brave processing. I left a "good" relationship last year because I felt I needed time to "do my own thing" and explore new loves, relationships, sex partners or whatever. I had been feeling stiffled in the relationship ( with Adam) and though I think we both could have the capacity (and perhaps now do) to work at a poly relationship, last year neither of us was up to it. It was painful for sure to make that choice, but I have learnt and grown imensly because of it. Of course a different sort of learning would have insued if I'd stayed. Listening to how I felt, and how often that "I feel trapped, I'm scared, I need ________" came up was important. Pay attention to how you FEEL with different people. Do you feel free-er, more alive? more loving?Do they facilitate you loving yourself?
Originally Posted by beginninglove
hmm, that is some super interesting feedback. i definitely have noticed that my body was more energized when i was convinced i would break up with her, and now i feel more anxious/tired. but i have been attributing it to just the hard work that comes with long-term relationships, thinking that we/i will come out on the other side of this eventually.
I think it's really important that you noticed when your body felt energized. This is crutial!! Our brain/intelect has been overemphasized in our current culture, and I believe our bodies have a lot of wisdom to offer us if we'd only listed. I've been doing a lot of learning about this in my own life, including learning about specific female body issues connected to emotional responses and patterns. (check out the book "Women's bodies, Women's wisdom by Cristiane Northrup)
BL, you mentioned about sliding into depression. I spent many months with Adam being emotionally unhealthy, and yet fearing that I couldn't leave him because he was my support. I've been blessed to find loving people outside of that, and find myself much healthier in all ways as I learn to listen to my body, not feel guilty about what I want/need (and learning how to non-accusingly state this. You're statement sliding under a blanket....love should make you unfold and feel free. Not like you need to crumple and hide. Sometime we tell ourselves a relationship is loving just because that fits with the story we've told ourselves (and our circle of "friends"). Keeping up with a pre-scribed story when it goes against what you *know* somewhere in your body is, in my opinion, dangerous, and unhealthy.
I'm not saying I know what you should do in your circusmstance....just that I applaud your desire to be honest. Keep listening to your body. Do small things to let your body know you are listening, a gentle bath, and soothing words. Sometimes I find it helpful to acknowldege part of my body/feelings as if they were another person....."breast, I hear that you have an abnormality, I'm interested in if there's something you'd like to bring to my attention through this...." or when you feel trapped with Alex "body, I hear your trapped feeling....thank you for bringing this up...I'm not sure how to best act as a result of this feeling, but know that I hear you and want you to keep informing me...."
here's the other wrench in my confidence as of late: in the past month, both my mother and sister have been diagnosed with breast cancer. i went for a mammogram to get myself checked out, and as a result of microcalcifications they found they are asking me to come back for a biopsy. i am not terrified and i know i will be okay no matter what, but it has brought home how nice it is to have someone who i know cares, knows my family and cares about them too, and who i know will support me through whatever i end up needing to go through. that's not to say i don't have other people in my life who will support me, because i do. it just has given me another perspective to think about. i don't want to stay with alex out of fear of being alone, but how does one weigh the pros and cons without thinking about these things?