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  #31  
Old 04-09-2012, 04:59 AM
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Oh JaneQ you make me laugh. I love your sitch too. Your life sounds heavenly to me.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #32  
Old 04-09-2012, 05:17 AM
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Well. Had a lovely visit with First BF this weekend. I think he's one of those people for whom the 'L' word is very serious, so I've held it back. But I gotta tell y'all, I love that boy. *sigh*

As to Current BF, I found out, a day after our lovely conversation (might have been two days), that he signed a new lease. WTF? I felt like we were in the middle of a discussion. It just confirmed that I am absolutely right, he's not even close to ready for partnership.

So I don't see that I included this part of the conversation. Sometime before last weekend, Current BF and I went to dinner, at a faraway place. It used to be our favorite, local, hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. We became friendly with the owners. They moved to much more upscale community, a good drive away from where we are. So we had lots of time to talk. I have no idea how we got on the subject, but we started talking about our fantasy wedding (we've had this discussion often over the years, it's harmless fantasy). But he took a moment, and got serious, and took my hand, and said 'I will marry you.' Which freaked me out more than a little. In all the discussion, I finally said 'What about First BF?' and he said, oh he'll be there. (at the wedding). And things like that make me wonder what the hell I'm doing and what planet he lives on.

So, I related that story to First BF today. He didn't even think on it, and said, 'If you marry him I will stop sleeping with you.' Which I find as strange as Current BF's comments. I had all kinds of thoughts and feelings about it; I wanted to be defensive, and even more, I wanted to ask him why. But I decided it needed to rest, a LOT, and I would let it come 'round on the guitar later. [and I thought I'd talk about it here]

First BF has indicated to me in the past his discomfort at Current BF's treatment of me. I hope that's the sentiment behind the statement. I know that First BF doesn't believe in religion and it's not that. So, that's a lot why I wanted to ask him, because I just can't figure out what the difference would be. It makes me wonder if he's with me to show me an alternative and to 'steer' me away from Current BF (while never admitting to it, he wouldn't).

bah. Sunday nights are not my best.

Fun stuff. First BF and I went thrifting and I got cool stuff, including a lovely shirt to wear with my corset for my pirate regalia. (okay, it's more like peasant wear, but regalia sounds better). We found a street taco stand that was unbelievable yummy. He hooked up my electronica, so I can now have lovely stereo sound with my tv, I can watch DVDs, I can listen to NPR in the HOUSE! yay!

Yummy hot sexy time, and considering we don't sleep too well together, we slept pretty well. I never feel good when I wake up, so I'm accustomed to it, but sleeping with another is a little more challenging. I thought I would die of heatstroke for one.

I had cleaned so much, and I'm really happy I did. It needed to be done, and it left me free to not worry about it while he was here. We also messed it up pretty good!
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #33  
Old 04-09-2012, 05:28 AM
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Slightly different topic and closer to my title (radical self love)

He noticed my poster (I made it to remind me, it says 'what will I do to love myself today?' and has pictures and hearts and stuff) and commented 'you know that sounds vaguely dirty, right?' [only to you dear, only to you]

But I thought a lot about it. I've been in touch with a way more distant ex lately. He made me crazy. He was pretty emotionally abusive. I don't think for a second he was consciously trying to control me, but that's what he did. I still suffer occasionally from that (I find emotional abuse WAY more insidious than physical)(and yes, I've had both).

Anyhow, when I'm making love with First BF, the thought crosses my mind:
'Anything you want.' and I mean it. I would very likely do almost anything he asked. The difference is, he won't ask.

And the comparison struck me very much. old ex did ask for some pretty bizarre stuff (sexually and in every day life). I got no regrets, he didn't ask me to do illegal things (well, maybe some of the sex was technically illegal). But I can actually feel my brain chemistry change, and not for the better, when I'm close to him.

with First BF, I feel a chemistry change, but it's all oxytocin and positive and lovely and yummy. He is kind. And consciously so. He takes care with me. He may be the first lover in my life to do so. I believe Current BF makes an effort also, but he doesn't have the knowledge base, he doesn't know the places where kindness is needed (plus he's very likely adhd).

And my craziness, some of it, is that I'm willing to have that however I can get it. If it means only seeing him once a month (or longer), I'm willing to do that. I wasn't willing to do that the first time around. I didn't have the option of two loves the first time around. Someone to love during the time First BF isn't able to accept my love. I've got a lot to give, and I need to make sure I have people around to get it. But I'm so much more relaxed now. I'm not grasping for things I can't have. When it's time for him to say good bye, I'm not sad. I'm also ready to be done. And I look forward to next time.

I fear the NRE might not stop. :P



Life is good.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #34  
Old 04-11-2012, 05:16 AM
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So, CurrentBF has been more thoughtful and attentive of late. I like it, and it's out-of-character. So I asked about it at lunch on Monday. ['I'm not complaining, hunny, let me be clear ~ I really really like it. I'm confused.']

So he opens with, 'I know you're not going to run off with FirstBF, I know that.' Which (unfortunately) says to me that's exactly what it is.

Which, y'know, I'm kind of fine with. If he's paying more attention because he's got another interest going on with some other girl (and that's entirely possible), then I would like to know that. But I think it's a weird competition thing, and if it gets me more attention, yay competition.

He should know FirstBF and I would never 'run off' and either of us would be happy to tell him that at any moment. It's an occasional fantasy for me; and it used to be all I wanted (all those many years ago, prior to dating CurrentBF). But I know who FirstBF IS, and I really doubt he will ever want to live with another human being again. (if he's able to maintain control of that, and he likes it so well, I think he will always organize his life so that can happen) He would be positively miserable if we tried to 'run off' and I have no interest in making him miserable (go me!).

I haven't quite given up the idea of living with someone though. I have always enjoyed living with people more than I enjoy living alone. I very much like sleeping with someone more than I like sleeping alone.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #35  
Old 04-23-2012, 06:08 AM
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Default coming out, and coming out, and coming out

It is so strange for me how this poly thing is so much like the gay thing for me.

I found out it was possible for me, a girl, to be attracted to girls, when I was a senior in high school. Gay rights were big in the news back then, else it might have escaped my notice. But I read some article, took into poli sci class, even, about the fight for gay rights. It was explosive in my head. 'You mean, girls an OPTION? I can date girls TOO?' *cartwheels* I had crushes on two peers and a teacher that year. Didn't do anything about it, even when one girl asked me to put cocoa butter on her back when we were 'laying out' at her house one afternoon. I was pretty dense. She was so gorgeous.....where was I?
oh.

So, off I go to college, and see a little note in the school paper about a meeting for bisexuals. Strangest crowd ever. Four women, me, a woman who was 6'3" or so, a woman who was 4'2" or so, and a woman in camo/armyjacket gear, and she was kind of built like a tank. We all said we'd been too scared to go to the gay student union and made a pact to go together. I started sitting at a table, handing out leaflets for something. I kept meeting people who just assumed I was gay. Which was a really odd experience for me. I really liked being welcomed, and everyone was so huggy. [sometimes I look back and think I'm so grateful the moonies didn't find me first ~ I could've been swept up into any cult that came along]

but everyone told their coming out stories, and I read everything I could get my hands on (these were pre internet days). I heard about girl scout camp and camp counselors and all kinds of things. I would wail, 'where was *I*?' I didn't have any of that...
So, I'm going through old photos, and I find a picture I took of someone when I was at girl scout camp. I think her name was Jo, and she was so butch, and I didn't even know her. I stopped her on the trail one morning and asked if I could take her pic. She was older. And totally butch. I took that pic because I had a thing for her, and I conveniently forgot about it all those years.

Now, I keep remembering all these poly-like things that happened to me. So, I was dating this hot boy from my computer science class. I tell him I'm going out. He pesters me and wants to go. I tell him it's the gay student union potluck. We go, and he paws me in the car all the way there. I take my dish to the kitchen. When I return, he's in the middle of the floor, some guy is lighting his cigarette, and he's batting his eyelashes (his long gorgeous eyelashes) like a pro, all cross-legged and limp-wristed. Honestly, I should have passed out paper towels to the guys. [and that particular bit isn't really relevant to this post, but I like that story] So that's how I found out my bf was also bi. ~ oh yah, that lovely moment, we were in his dorm room, he was spooning me and we were both facing his roommate. Roommate wakes up, drops a muscled arm to the floor and crushes a can, flexing a beefy bicep. Both of us shivered with pleasure. That was weird. And lovely. [more irrelevance, sorry(myblog, yah?)]

Anyway, that lovely man knows that I want to hookup with a woman. He tries to help. He takes me to his hometown. It's not exactly a party, but it's a sleepover at his friend's house. in the garage, in foggy coastal town. He tells me 'this other guy will try to separate, but don't follow him' I'm fine with that. So we're on the floor and there's this heavenly woman. She didn't really want to play, but she held my hand while I was with him. It was one of the most stunningly intimate moments of my life.

I wake up around 2 or 3 am, I'm frozen half-dead and I can tell my upper respiratory tract is getting unhappy. So I go up into bed with the other guy. Nothing happened (but a lot of snuggling). Oh, bf was pissed off. I said dude, I'm not getting sick for some bizarre sense of fidelity.

Not exactly poly, not exactly swinging, not exactly a threesome. But bits of all that. And a memory I had conveniently forgot.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #36  
Old 04-23-2012, 12:09 PM
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Awesome stories :-). I don't really have too many stories, not until I was in my mid twenties anyway. However, there is one that I certainly won't forget; a 3 week camping trip in Quebec. Particularly, the canoe trip; basically, 2 young female counselors took a bunch of young boys (myself included, age 10 or so) out to a secluded island by canoe to sleep the night there (we'd brought tents and food). Anyway, the female counselors persuade almost all the boys that they should go skinny dipping with them. I say almost all the boys because there were 2 holdouts; me and some pretty small kid :-p. Anyway, the rest of them doff their bathing suits and things are peachy for a bit.. but then the counselors get out of the water, grab all the bathing suits and take off; what happened next was just too funny; the guys, not wanting to 'expose' themselves too much, try to chase them while still in the water; needless to say the counselors are out of sight in no time :-p.

Then they come back and just like 'attack of the zombies' (I imagine, I've never seen it), it's time to convert the last holdouts; only this time even the naked boys want it to happen because then we'll all be samies, laugh :-). Well the little kid doesn't have much of a chance; he's not much of a swimmer and gets caught easily enough. I, on the other hand, go deep, and no one really wants to follow. Ofcourse, I can't swim forever, and to tell you the honest truth it was getting rather dull being the last holdout, so I finally come back and give in. So the last bathing suits are hidden and we have effectively become a clothing non-optional nudist beach :-p.

I don't remember too much of it; the female counselors decide to tan in the duff; one of the boys gets this idea to drop a frog on one of their asses; I was against it but no one had asked for my opinion so they do it. I feel bad when it's done; the counselor clearly isn't happy about it. Personally, I would have liked to -touch- the female counselor, but no one even considers doing that.

Anyway, we go to bed, wake up, presumably eat something and it's time to go. The counselors get all our clothes, we get in them and it's back to camping as usual as we get into the canoes and begin the trip back; the camp counselors remain topless up until they can see some canoes heading their way, whereupon they quickly don their tops. It's the head of the camp as well as some others. I think it may have been another trip going to an island.

Oh, I also definitely liked more then one girl at that camp. 3 come to mind actually. One I definitely liked a lot but she said she was getting married soon (may not have been true, I don't think she was even 18, but anyway). Anyway, we "slept together", but in different sleeping bags, and she woke up in the wee hours and went to her cabin so when I woke up she was gone. Another held hands with me and I thought that was just peachy, but I'm not the type of person to make moves first and so that's about as far as it went (I think she's the one who initiated the hand thing). I know that she later made out with someone. They went off to do weed or maybe something else and I was far too scared to try anything like that back in those days. Another was 17 and definitely liked me. She apparently liked me a great deal. She wanted me to go back to the girl's camp with her. The thing is, I knew the boys weren't supposed to go back there and to be honest with you I was very worried that she'd get in trouble because of the age difference; I had also done next to nothing sexually at that point and based on my limited understanding of the subject, it was something to be both desired and feared; seeing as how I've generally been the cautious sort, I figured it could wait until I understood the whole thing better. Anyway, on the day she left, she asked me to go up on to the bus for a second; I was almost sure she wanted to kiss me and I don't like being ambushed, laugh :-). So I politely declined. Now I wish I hadn't.

Last edited by Scott; 04-23-2012 at 12:16 PM.
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  #37  
Old 04-23-2012, 01:53 PM
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so, this one time, at band camp................



Hey Scott, nice! Yah, after I heard stories about mixed camps, or camps with boys camp next door, I was really jealous. I only ever went to girls camp.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #38  
Old 04-24-2012, 11:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
so, this one time, at band camp................

Lol :-)

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Hey Scott, nice! Yah, after I heard stories about mixed camps, or camps with boys camp next door, I was really jealous. I only ever went to girls camp.
Awww :-)
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  #39  
Old 07-07-2012, 03:32 AM
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Default here we go

Omigosh, I can't believe I haven't written here since April! The last two months at work have been hellacious. Our busiest time of the year and stupid in a normal year. This year, we had triple our normal workload, two noobs, and my boss left in the middle of it (so I'm doing my job and his job now). :P When I get home there's so little left of me. Mostly I sit in my chair and stare at the computer screen.

July is magickally better.

I loved myself through June by telling myself that I would let myself have and do whatever it took to get through. More coffee and sugar than I should have; but I also gave myself an extra massage (my massage guy is amazing), and extra chiropractic visits, and tried to get extra sleep on weekends. I didn't bargain hunt, I just let myself buy what I needed without worrying about it. That was kind of awesome.

So, state fair is coming, and I asked both boyfriends if they'd like to go. Then I realized it might be something we could all do together (like the old days). We haven't been the three of us together since we started this.

Oh yah, today is the 9 year anniversary of my mom's death. I don't remember if I wrote about this already, but it marks an important day for me with First BoyFriend. I had invited him to dinner the evening before. I had met him on St. Patrick's day through a social group we were in. I'd been crushing on him for a while. I had been to visit my mom (in another state) the week before, while I was between old and new jobs. My car had broken down, and he showed me how to use orbitz and such. So, he came to dinner, and left. It was all very civil and cordial. But when he left, I said to myself, 'that's it. there is no interest here. you are his older friend from [social group] and that's it.'

The next day my mom died. I cried myself dehydrated. I realized it was going to be a long night, and I was not prepared to face it alone. So I called him, and apologized. 'I don't know you well enough to ask this, but I'm hoping you can help me. I need a babysitter.' And he came over, and stayed with me til about 1 or 2 am. We packed up leftovers from the night before (cheese and crackers and stuff) and went to a little park. and I told him stuff about my mom. He fed me, and I melted. [do you have any idea how weird it is to be grieving and lusting at the same time?][pretty weird]

It started to get dark and there were unsavory characters coming out to the park, so we left. We went to the drive in movies (he was minorly obsessed with the drive in). He chose whatever di$ney thing was playing, and I melted some more. When it was over, we turned sideways and watched the end of terminator 3.

Then we went to a big box store, and I finally got a whole bottle of water into me, and my headache ceased (that's how I figured out I had been dehydrated).
***
okay, that was a major digression from where I was intending to go.

So, I propose to him (FBF) that we go to the fair with CBF. And he thought that sounded fun, and maybe he'd come the day before and we could play boardgames. Like old times.
Only it won't be. I am still kinda pretty freaked out about it.

uh-oh, more digression

So, CBF came to us when FBF hired him at work. Then he started hanging out, and we had many nights of board games and drinking. Sometimes there were more people, sometimes just us three.

When CBF and I started seeing each other, we went to the state fair. Later, his mom said 'NR is nice, you should date her.' and he relayed that story to me. I was all, 'I thought that *was* a date.' Apparently, that was just hanging out at the fair. We split garlic fries. Ate them while we watched a gorgeous belly dancing troupe. He was mopping up all the end of the garlic with the last of the fries, and I was happily, absent-mindedly watching. Then he fed them to me. and I melted. (are we seeing a pattern here, kids?)
****

So, this month is emotionally loaded for me (mom died, fell in love with FBF)(broke up with FBF), and the state fair is loaded for me (started seeing CBF, have been with FBF).

I want to talk with them about it, and I'm sure I will; but I don't want to make anything weirder than it is. Haven't yet asked CBF; I know (in that old relationship energy sort of way) that he will think it's a fabulous idea and be all for it. But then I have to point that FBF will be staying over and CBF gets to go home.

Adventures abound.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #40  
Old 07-10-2012, 07:48 AM
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I called FBF yesterday. Realized when I got to talking with him, how much I missed him; and told him so. And he took it rather well. That was lovely. Opened the call with the fact that I missed being able to bitch about CBF to him. I used to do that (too much for what I think is dignified, and WAY less than I had bitching to do). He said, 'why can't you?' 'It just feels wrong somehow.' But then I went ahead and did it, gently. It was a nice call.

And tonight, I got to talk to CBF about state fair, and he seemed fine with it. FBF will drive up a day or two before, we'll have a game night (just like the old days), [this is the weird part for me ->] then CBF goes home to his apt, FBF stays with me, we get up the next day and go to the fair.

***
In other news, I think I had today what people call a life. I was completely engaged at work, in a way that I rarely am. I don't think I liked it. After work, I grabbed a very quick (challenging for me to be quick) shower, and went off to dinner party at CBF's mom's house. So much fun.

I used to be bored, and I always worked under my capacity. Now, I'm doing a level I'm capable of, and it requires all my investment, and attention, and brains, and whatever. I used to believe that I was deficient for not being fully engaged, and that when I could get there, I'd be happier, more fulfilled, something. I'm not.

I was going to say I'm still bored, and I'm not actually bored. I never look at the clock, I never lack for the next thing to think about or do. But it's meaningless to me. I shovel stacks of papers to and fro, now with the added complication of staff (who act like children, and I'm child-free for a REASON). It is completely without value to me (except I love the roof over my head, and my warm, soft bed, and my full-belly).

I'd much rather be bored, and working under capacity; and have some energy left at the end of the day to make the rest of my life meaningful.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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