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  #401  
Old 04-22-2012, 03:08 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by rory View Post
What if you both just tried to let the person whose responsibility it is to make sure they are not selling themselves short, i.e. themself, worry about their own needs, and trust the other person to take care of themself? That way you can both truly enjoy what you have as long as it feels good, without worrying about the future time when it may no longer feel satisfying.
Yes, thank you. We do. It doesn't stop us from having the occasional conversation about, "Are you sure I'm good for your life?"

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
When you say C is mono do you mean him not seeing other while in a primary relationship and or him requiring the same from primary partner?

Is your husband aware that C is mono in terms of how he(C) would structure a primary relationship.
C doesn't think he'd be able to share his attention between more than one partner in his life at a time so he will likely not date me when he finds someone who can participate more fully in his life. He does say he still loves all his ex girlfriends though, so I don't feel like he'll need to push away from me when that happens. I don't know if he would "require" the same from a mono partner... he doesn't seem to have jealousy issues when it comes to sharing me. I don't know if my husband knows or cares what C's future relationships would look like, but I've made it clear to both of them that if my marriage fell apart for any reason, I would not pursue a monogamous relationship with C (or anyone else).

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Or maybe you should look in the mirror and accept just how beautiful your lashes really are.
Oh, I know. We are all beautiful, aren't we? Someone said something about it being the polishing that makes a stone beautiful, and anyone who gets "polished" with enough love is going to be beautiful. At the same time, lashes are lashes. Hardly a reason to feel emotion for someone!

L gave me a nice compliment recently. I've been bedridden a lot with health problems this past year and was bemoaning the loss of my figure and the difficulty I'm having in getting it back, since I keep having relapses, getting stuck in bed and gaining weight again. He said, "You're a beautiful woman who needs to lose some weight. You could be an ugly woman with a fit body and there'd be nothing you could do to fix that." Ha ha -I felt so much better!
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  #402  
Old 04-22-2012, 05:39 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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The reason I asked was because it was put to me that that type of attitude would be insulting to the husband. Having no frame of reference from personal experience because the guy that dated my wife was married. However his wife did not date other people. Never had any conversations with her so I don't know if that was her choice or his. But now I will have to inquire just out of curiosity.

As for sharing ... I do know entering as a secondary has a completely different mindset attached ...right or wrong it different.
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  #403  
Old 04-22-2012, 05:50 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
The reason I asked was because it was put to me that that type of attitude would be insulting to the husband.
Which attitude? C being mono?
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  #404  
Old 04-22-2012, 05:55 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Yes....him being mono....and particularly not wanting a wife or primary partner of theirs being poly.
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  #405  
Old 04-22-2012, 06:49 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Yes....him being mono....and particularly not wanting a wife or primary partner of theirs being poly.
I'm not sure how C being mono would be an insult to my husband. I would almost think that it would vouch for his sincerity in his attentions to me -he's not just out playing the field. (Not to say poly people are, but my husband might see it that way.)

Whether C would want his own wife to be poly or not isn't something we've really discussed. I think if C had a primary relationship he would want to do what it took to make his partner happy, so if she was poly like me he'd let her be poly. If he could choose the same person in mono or poly flavors he'd undoubtedly choose mono, as my husband would, but when you love someone you don't always love everything about them. If C thought he was causing me to be poly he'd back right out of my life out of deference to my husband, but I've told him plenty of times if it weren't him, there'd be someone else. This is just the way I'm happiest.
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  #406  
Old 04-23-2012, 04:32 AM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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feeling sad tonight. even though i am so grateful for this poly framework, this way of thinking about myself that is not pathologizing, sometimes i wonder why i can't just be more like other people who seem to have found THAT person, the ONE that makes them sure about how they want to spend their lives. even if they are poly. what is wrong with me that i can't just give myself that, or give myself to other people like that?

i am constantly running away. alex loves me so much, she is practically bursting with it and has supported me through so much that has been so hard for her, most of the time all she wants is just to spend time with me. but i recoil from her, her kiss, her touch. i enjoy spending time with her but only for contained periods of time. it mostly feels like i am taking care of her.

and then there is K, where the NRE is just bubbling over. i am constantly distracted by thoughts of her, the sex is incredible, i love the way she smells, tastes, feels. and i also keep thinking about all the reasons it wouldn't be okay to fall in love with her. well, maybe falling in love with her would be okay but i can't see myself in a relationship with her. she's got such a wild past that she is still recovering from. her life is so different from mine, sort of like lovers from different sides of the tracks.

alex and i are pretty clearly from the same side of the tracks in many ways. its why our relationship "makes sense". our families, friends, shared interests, all make perfect sense. so why do i want to pull away when she kisses me? why do i not like the way her mouth tastes anymore? am i supposed to try harder, or stop trying??

i have already asked these questions many times here on this blog. you all gave me permission to stop trying, and its was a huge relief to read that. maybe what i need to do is to tell alex to stop trying. that scares me, and that probably means its because i am on to something.
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  #407  
Old 04-23-2012, 03:58 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I'm not sure how C being mono would be an insult to my husband..
I said the same thing ...." what difference would a potential partners philosophy make to you. " I got a rather long answer back ......(paraphrase) ...to the effect that having this new relationship pushed on to him ...all the adjustments he's had to make to accommodate "them"... and then knowing this new guy doesn't have to and more importantly wouldn't do the same....really would rub him the wrong way. Along with that was the issue of honest intention....just using his wife for sex...or trying to steal ones partner....all that got thrown in the mix.

I did say if that's what your wife wants...(to be used sexually by some guy) and agrees to it .."whats it to you ." It went back to his comfort and the survivability of their marriage. And the need to have a respectful metamor type relationship. And that wouldn't be respectful and thus couldn't happen.

So I guess it's just I guys opinion.
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  #408  
Old 04-23-2012, 09:03 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I meant to say earlier, I was glad to hear you turned down Sam's offer of hooking up. Seems like the right decision.

As for the other stuff...

Your questions always resonate with me...because I don't know the answers either.

I too struggle with the feeling that other people are able to be with someone, to feel purely happy and to know that they want to spend their life with that person...and moreover, that poly people can have that feeling for more than one person.

But I don't experience that feeling. I've figured out that I'm happiest, most in tune with myself, most sure of myself, most content with my life, and most clear about my future path, when I'm single.

I don't want to be celibate or totally alone, and I don't want to not care about other people and their feelings, so I'm slowing figuring out alternative forms of dating/sex/friendships that work for me.

Unlike you, I'm not living with a partner who loves me desperately, so I never had to make the choice to give that up.

Like you, I spent a long time in a situation where I was involved with two people of totally contrasting personality & relationship types. One was a boyfriend I cared deeply for, considered my best friend, and would have moved mountains before hurting. We had a million things in common, including professional and social spheres. But we also had poor sexual chemistry, and he had his own sexual issues which I thought he needed to explore on his own.

The other guy was just pure sexual chemistry, not at all "relationship material," hardly had anything in common with me. He made me feel amazing and I liked him immensely. He was also a complete moron who was stoned a lot.

Neither guy was right for me, but my instinct to be single was.
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  #409  
Old 04-23-2012, 10:52 PM
Truebrooke Truebrooke is offline
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Default body feed back

I've been following this thread, and think that BL is doing some brave processing. I left a "good" relationship last year because I felt I needed time to "do my own thing" and explore new loves, relationships, sex partners or whatever. I had been feeling stiffled in the relationship ( with Adam) and though I think we both could have the capacity (and perhaps now do) to work at a poly relationship, last year neither of us was up to it. It was painful for sure to make that choice, but I have learnt and grown imensly because of it. Of course a different sort of learning would have insued if I'd stayed. Listening to how I felt, and how often that "I feel trapped, I'm scared, I need ________" came up was important. Pay attention to how you FEEL with different people. Do you feel free-er, more alive? more loving?Do they facilitate you loving yourself?
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Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
hmm, that is some super interesting feedback. i definitely have noticed that my body was more energized when i was convinced i would break up with her, and now i feel more anxious/tired. but i have been attributing it to just the hard work that comes with long-term relationships, thinking that we/i will come out on the other side of this eventually.
I think it's really important that you noticed when your body felt energized. This is crutial!! Our brain/intelect has been overemphasized in our current culture, and I believe our bodies have a lot of wisdom to offer us if we'd only listed. I've been doing a lot of learning about this in my own life, including learning about specific female body issues connected to emotional responses and patterns. (check out the book "Women's bodies, Women's wisdom by Cristiane Northrup)

BL, you mentioned about sliding into depression. I spent many months with Adam being emotionally unhealthy, and yet fearing that I couldn't leave him because he was my support. I've been blessed to find loving people outside of that, and find myself much healthier in all ways as I learn to listen to my body, not feel guilty about what I want/need (and learning how to non-accusingly state this. You're statement sliding under a blanket....love should make you unfold and feel free. Not like you need to crumple and hide. Sometime we tell ourselves a relationship is loving just because that fits with the story we've told ourselves (and our circle of "friends"). Keeping up with a pre-scribed story when it goes against what you *know* somewhere in your body is, in my opinion, dangerous, and unhealthy.
I'm not saying I know what you should do in your circusmstance....just that I applaud your desire to be honest. Keep listening to your body. Do small things to let your body know you are listening, a gentle bath, and soothing words. Sometimes I find it helpful to acknowldege part of my body/feelings as if they were another person....."breast, I hear that you have an abnormality, I'm interested in if there's something you'd like to bring to my attention through this...." or when you feel trapped with Alex "body, I hear your trapped feeling....thank you for bringing this up...I'm not sure how to best act as a result of this feeling, but know that I hear you and want you to keep informing me...."
here's the other wrench in my confidence as of late: in the past month, both my mother and sister have been diagnosed with breast cancer. i went for a mammogram to get myself checked out, and as a result of microcalcifications they found they are asking me to come back for a biopsy. i am not terrified and i know i will be okay no matter what, but it has brought home how nice it is to have someone who i know cares, knows my family and cares about them too, and who i know will support me through whatever i end up needing to go through. that's not to say i don't have other people in my life who will support me, because i do. it just has given me another perspective to think about. i don't want to stay with alex out of fear of being alone, but how does one weigh the pros and cons without thinking about these things?
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  #410  
Old 04-26-2012, 10:11 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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thank you truebrooke for your response and your insight. i agree that the body is such an important source of information and guidance. i am practicing listening to it, and i notice that sometimes i can confuse myself by thinking about what my body is telling me to do especially when it come to NRE. of course my body feels relaxed and excited around K, and tense and anxious around alex (often), because of the circumstances. how do i distinguish between what my body wants to avoid (such as difficult conversations, facing alex's pain and insecurity) and what i "should" do despite that desire to avoid? and when all my body wants to do is bathe in the NRE with K, how do i override those bodily impulses to say "actually what i probably need right now is alone time"?
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