Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-21-2012, 03:33 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Brazil
Posts: 151
Default Going to my first poly meeting

It`ll be two weeks from now. As of now, it seems, there will be only about 6 of us, which is a start.

I`m excited and a bit anxious. It feels like this is going to be such an emotional experience for me. Just not being ostracized for having feelings for more than one person...

However, I`m also preparing myself for disappointment. The organizer is an atheist, which puts me more at ease. It`s one more thing we have in common. But, he also seems to be super idealistic on social issues. Which is cool, I don`t expect to share everything with everyone there.

I just wonder if I`ll finally feel that sense of connection. The sense of connection I feel in LGBTS clubs, for instance.

The fact that I am bi, lifestyle single, and sex-positive makes me feel like a minority within poly. I`m afraid there will be a bunch of couples making out there, and I will be the third wheel on their dates, basically. If that happens, I`ll say I had already eaten, order tea and leave in 25 minutes flat!

There is another group, in another Brazilian city, that calls itself Free Relationships Network (Rede de Relacoes Livres), that I identify more with in theory. But, I also had a Facebook disagreement with one of the most active members over what I would consider her anti-man feminism (I avoided that label in our post exchange). Totally have an online crush on her, regardless.

Anyway, what was your first poly meeting like? What was going through your mind prior to it? What were your expectations and fears? How did you feel before, during, and after? What was your relationship status at the time? Do you still attend?

I would love to hear your experience. Thank you.
__________________
Independent, sex-positive, bi-curious, private, atheist, elitist, athletic dude.

Last edited by feelyunicorn; 04-21-2012 at 03:41 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-21-2012, 04:24 PM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 696
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by feelyunicorn View Post
Anyway, what was your first poly meeting like? What was going through your mind prior to it? What were your expectations and fears? How did you feel before, during, and after? What was your relationship status at the time? Do you still attend?

I would love to hear your experience. Thank you.
hey feelyunicorn,

My first meeting was just two months ago. I was very nervous. It was at a coffee shop that I used to frequent (just across the street from where I used to work) and that helped. My group was formatted as a discussion group with social time afterwards. I was totally surprised as there were about 50 people in the discussion, and more hanging out outside (one was with a baby).

I love the discussion format, because I could slip in and listen and check people out, and feel like I got to know them a little bit as they spoke. Eventually I spoke up too. I felt badly for being late, like I missed introductions, but I don't know if they did that or not. (I've been to my second meeting, and I still don't know)

They were having a big discussion about coming out to parents, and others. I think a lot of folks in the room found it helpful. Then, they broke up for socializing time. Which I also liked because it gave the opportunity for everyone to talk, and in smaller groups.

One of my partners also attended, but he got there later than I did. [I the hinge of a poly-fi vee with two men] Turns out guy with the baby was a guy my partner used to work with. (he's a computer geek at the fruity company ~ apparently several of his coworkers are poly) He doesn't care for discussion format, but he was quite happy to hang out in the other room and socialize.

I felt like one of the guys was hitting on me, but it was ever so polite and it didn't feel creepy to me at all. In fact, it cheered me up, made me feel welcome.

I wasn't able to attend the next month, but I went again last weekend. It was easier the second time, but I still had to push myself. There were less people, but still what I thought was a lot. I can't remember what the topic was supposed to be, but I enjoyed the discussion very much. The social time seemed very clique-ish at the last one. I did talk to someone that I had seen at the first meeting; she and I do very similar jobs. I gave her my card, but have not heard from her.

I'm not excessively shy ~ I have my moments. I really had to push myself to go there alone and get out of my car. I was trying not to have expectations. I've been to a lot of meetings of varying social types in my life. I looked at very much like when I was entering the gay community (so many years ago).

Actually, I had pretty low expectations. They were exceeded. Pretty normal folks. I was surprised by the age range, lots of younger folks and a few folks older than I/my age-ish.

I have just joined their fb group and apparently the really emotional discussions happen there, after meets. That was a bit of a surprise. Seems to me they're starting to consider themselves a large metropolitan group and they're just having a bit of growing pains for that.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-21-2012, 05:07 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

I was also really nervous about my first poly meeting, but I really needn't have been. There was a broad range of folks there to get to know, and the "couples" thing wasn't anywhere near as prevalent as at non-poly social gatherings. Most of the conversation wasn't even about poly, it was just social getting-to-know-you stuff, and talking about everyday life.

And that has pretty much been the pattern for other poly gatherings I have been at - yes, there is some poly discussion, but the main bond we have is that we just don't look at someone strangely when they are there with their two partners, or talk about issues with their kids and how having two mothers can be a challenge with the school system...

I have heard folks say that it's just nice to be some place they aren't judged for their relationships.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-21-2012, 06:12 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,362
Default

I wrote about going to my first poly get-together in this thread, where other people also talked about what poly gatherings are like where they are:

Going to poly events/happenings
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-21-2012, 06:20 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

I was excited, nervous, curious. I try and keep that in mind when I host events as I remember that I wanted to feel welcomed, and reassured. I make a point of greeting everyone and introducing myself at the events I host so people feel that they are welcome and that its safe to be there.

Hope it goes well for you.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-22-2012, 04:02 AM
lovefromgirl's Avatar
lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
Posts: 353
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by feelyunicorn View Post
Anyway, what was your first poly meeting like? What was going through your mind prior to it? What were your expectations and fears? How did you feel before, during, and after? What was your relationship status at the time? Do you still attend?

I would love to hear your experience. Thank you.
In no way is this the norm: I met CielDuMatin at my first poly meeting.

I was 22 and single, having determined that I ought not to pursue out of desperation any longer. I was and still am some kind of queer. I also had no driver's licence, so I dragged my dad to the meeting. I decided that if nothing else, this would be a story for Mum.

I don't think I expected much. I wasn't afraid, mainly because people tend to think twice about messing with me if my dad's there. (Mainly because my dad is little but very scary.) I was a bit... wary, I think, of being the youngest, because I had always been the youngest when it came to my sort of interest groups.

I felt a little out of place throughout. I didn't get the warm fuzzies. It wasn't the age thing. It turned out that, with the exception of CdM and his partner, I really had very little in common with anyone. One woman pretty much did what I feared and treated me like a child, even offering to hook me up with her son. The leader took a bit too much interest, I think.

After, I was happy to have made two new friends. CdM and I emailed back and forth for weeks until I got up the guts to ask him if maybe he'd consider trying it out with me, and he said yes, and I about died of shock because hot, worldly guys did NOT land in my lap, ever. That turned out to be a problem for the group leader. As the problem persisted, I felt less and less comfortable in that group. I made other friends, and as far as I was concerned, those friends were enough for me. The group wasn't a good fit, though some of the people were. Does that make sense?

I wish you far better luck, group-wise, than I had!
__________________
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-22-2012, 11:38 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

My first poly meet up was spring. I had only found The Birdcage a couple of months prior and was excited to discover that we weren't the only poly people in our area. I think that Runic Wolf was more wary than I was; I tend to make friends easily no matter where I go, but they end up being my friends and he starts feeling left out.

We met at the local Uno's Pizzaria and it was very relaxed and enjoyable. Actually, it was the first time that we met Loveleigh, who at the time Runic Wolf felt drawn to because she looked so familiar to him and he couldn't place it. Then life got in the way and we didn't attend another meet up until February. Loveleigh and I had started talking about it on the forums and planning it at the same time OK Cupid was matching her with Runic Wolf. They actually had their first date the night before our second poly meet up. Which was amusing and filled with good conversation and I look forward to another one.

Good luck!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-23-2012, 02:55 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Brazil
Posts: 151
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
The group wasn't a good fit, though some of the people were. Does that make sense?
Completely. Thank you so much for sharing. I am not a joiner, so if I skim off a couple friends from any group whatsoever, I`ll consider the experience a success.

Kudos for taking the initiative to ask CDM out. I like that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
the "couples" thing wasn't anywhere near as prevalent as at non-poly social gatherings.
Yes, mono hetero social functions are almost impossible for me to frequent these days out of PDA alone. Going to movie theaters is a challenge!

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I'm not excessively shy ~ I have my moments. I really had to push myself to go there alone and get out of my car. I looked at very much like when I was entering the gay community (so many years ago).

Actually, I had pretty low expectations. They were exceeded. Pretty normal folks. I was surprised by the age range, lots of younger folks and a few folks older than I/my age-ish.
Thanks for sharing. I`m pretty sparing in chats with people I might not relate to. And, sparing as far as fluff talk in general. If it`s funny, I`ll join in. If it`s heartfelt, I`ll join in. But, if it`s who where what when, I give up pretty easy.

I`m impressed with your determination to go there by yourself. I`ll be doing the same. I`m sort of wondering if my being single is going to go over well. Did you come out as gay/bi to the group? If so, how receptive were they?
__________________
Independent, sex-positive, bi-curious, private, atheist, elitist, athletic dude.

Last edited by feelyunicorn; 04-23-2012 at 03:05 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-23-2012, 03:05 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Brazil
Posts: 151
Default

.
__________________
Independent, sex-positive, bi-curious, private, atheist, elitist, athletic dude.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 04-23-2012, 03:45 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,331
Default

Feely,

My experience has been that the closer you are to the stereotypical poly person in your area, the more welcoming and useful the poly groups will be to you. For instance, in my local group, the majority are kinky in various ways, many are pagan, most are geeky in some way (with lots of gamers), and most are straight-ish, lean heterosexual.

I'm geeky, a bi woman (who identified as a lesbian for a long time), fairly kinky, and lean pagan spiritually. So I fit in just fine and have had a positive experience. I've been very open about my dykey past and have experienced no issues. I do wish they were a bit less hetero focused and have been actively encouraging the community to move in that direction. But, and it's a significant 'but', I am not a bi man. There are few openly bi men in my community and I wonder if that is true in the US poly communities in general. Brazil may be very different - I hope so. However, even if you don't fit the profile, be yourself anyway and encourage, perhaps gently, your local community to move towards you rather than the other way around.

And the point that while the poly group may not be your cup of tea, you will likely meet some worthwhile folks anyway, is well taken.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
meet ups, poly events, social groups

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:44 AM.