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  #11  
Old 04-20-2012, 11:56 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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"However, I know someone who was in exactly this position, and trying to talk reason to her was like trying to talk to a brick wall...."

I have to laugh because he's being kind and not naming me here, unless he's put up with this from more than one person in his life, in which case poor Darling. The irony is that the relationship really was on the rocks and I didn't know it, but I found out from his wife that he was really not so great after all. And I did learn, big time, to stay far away from closed monogamous types. There are happier hunting grounds to be found. Your case with your current love interest is different in that she has said "maybe", not "no".

And, um, isn't your former professor. Who is married with children. Married to someone who is in your circle of acquaintances. And isn't getting a messy divorce. I was an IDIOT.

He was so obviously not interested in a) poly and b) me. I mistook kindness for more because he ticked a lot of my "perfect guy" boxes. In retrospect, the major box I forgot to tick was "returns my affection". Oops. These days, if I have lingering feelings for someone who is that wrong for me, I process it through lots of talking and lots of writing. I may be able to get a whole book out of a dynamic I experienced when I was younger and very much desperate to be loved. Heavily fictionalised! If you go the fiction route, dear God change the details.

There's nothing wrong with expressing interest. Heartache happens when you do that after you've invested major emotion in the outcome. Me, I got hurt enough times that I made myself change for my own sake. If it is still worth your while to go on as you have, nothing anyone can say will change you. You have to figure out what you can handle and go forward accordingly.
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  #12  
Old 04-21-2012, 01:53 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
Your case with your current love interest is different in that she has said "maybe", not "no".
That's what I thought, too. I'm glad to hear I'm not delusional.

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Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
These days, if I have lingering feelings for someone who is that wrong for me, I process it through lots of talking and lots of writing. I may be able to get a whole book out of a dynamic I experienced when I was younger and very much desperate to be loved. Heavily fictionalised! If you go the fiction route, dear God change the details.
I write, too! The crush on R led to a quite intriguing Star Trek fanfiction that I haven't fully finished editing (mostly, the ending seems off to me, and I don't publish things that are out-of-character). Fanfiction helps because pouring my emotions into a character who differs from me forces me to see a different perspective - it's not self-insertion; it's just exploration.

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There's nothing wrong with expressing interest. Heartache happens when you do that after you've invested major emotion in the outcome. Me, I got hurt enough times that I made myself change for my own sake. If it is still worth your while to go on as you have, nothing anyone can say will change you. You have to figure out what you can handle and go forward accordingly.
Thank you for the advice - I think this comes from a place of understanding, and it's very applicable to my situation. I really appreciate it. I've tried to express interest as soon as I feel it now, instead of waiting until I'd burst if I didn't say anything.

Do you think how I'm handling things is harming myself unnecessarily? Sometimes I wish I were straight. If I only had the capacity to love men, I would be safe befriending girls. But right now, after what's happened... anytime I like being around someone, I feel sore and afraid I will get hurt.
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Last edited by LemonCakeIsALie33; 04-21-2012 at 01:56 AM.
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  #13  
Old 04-21-2012, 02:33 AM
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I write, too! The crush on R led to a quite intriguing Star Trek fanfiction that I haven't fully finished editing (mostly, the ending seems off to me, and I don't publish things that are out-of-character). Fanfiction helps because pouring my emotions into a character who differs from me forces me to see a different perspective - it's not self-insertion; it's just exploration.
Which Trek and do you want a beta reader? -- Uh. I mean. *cough*

I did a whole semester on narrative therapy; one way we can come to terms with the pieces of our stories that hurt us is to explore them. It's actually a really cool concept. I think it's a lot more natural to us-as-humans than we know. If you process best by exploring the same dynamic using different (possibly pre-established) characters, as far as I'm concerned, it's healthy.

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Thank you for the advice - I think this comes from a place of understanding, and it's very applicable to my situation. I really appreciate it. I've tried to express interest as soon as I feel it now, instead of waiting until I'd burst if I didn't say anything.
Good. There's no shame in being interested. The only answer you have if you don't ask is "no"; if you ask, there's a sliver of a chance of a "yes". (Thank you to a very wise woman...) What you don't want to do is get to a place of desperation. Desperation makes people do extraordinary things.

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Do you think how I'm handling things is harming myself unnecessarily? Sometimes I wish I were straight. If I only had the capacity to love men, I would be safe befriending girls. But right now, after what's happened... anytime I like being around someone, I feel sore and afraid I will get hurt.
You've been hurt. Of course you're a little leery right now. Don't get too down on yourself. People of all orientations run into the "I want to love X but X is not available" thing. Most of my unrequited disasters were cis men and I am a cis woman. (The exception? A straight girl...) I certainly don't think you need to blame yourself for your orientation. It would be nice if we all had heads-up displays with people's details on, wouldn't it? "Straight cis female" and the like. "Chances of compatibility 2%." We don't have HUDs, so we take our best guess.
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  #14  
Old 04-21-2012, 05:01 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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It would be nice if we all had heads-up displays with people's details on, wouldn't it? "Straight cis female" and the like. "Chances of compatibility 2%." We don't have HUDs, so we take our best guess.
Let's see - put OKCupid-like functionality (which shows compatibility) on top of Facebook (which has the largest membership) and a set of Google Glasses (which shows information as you are walking around and provides facial recognition through Google Goggles) and I think we are there - the individual bits of terminology are established, now we just have to combine them.
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  #15  
Old 04-21-2012, 07:31 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Which Trek and do you want a beta reader? -- Uh. I mean. *cough*
<3

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Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
Good. There's no shame in being interested. The only answer you have if you don't ask is "no"; if you ask, there's a sliver of a chance of a "yes". (Thank you to a very wise woman...) What you don't want to do is get to a place of desperation. Desperation makes people do extraordinary things.
Thank goodness, I usually speak up before then.

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Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
You've been hurt. Of course you're a little leery right now. Don't get too down on yourself. People of all orientations run into the "I want to love X but X is not available" thing. Most of my unrequited disasters were cis men and I am a cis woman. (The exception? A straight girl...)
That's really validating. Thank you.
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