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Old 04-21-2012, 06:27 AM
Questioning Questioning is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 52

Thank you everyone your input is all regarded most warmly.

Another confused. Great post. I know she might not be my life partner, but the friendship will never end we have come so far, and are so in tune now. We argue, but these get resolved. I am very happy with things right now, there is no more subconscious pushing from her, no hiding her face, nail biting, eyes downcast moments I used to watch in horror. No more secrets. We light up when we see each other, we joke about all day like best mates, and the lovemaking is simply divine, or completely feral! (too much info?)

This girl really cares for me. She won't abandon me, but yes, other men exist, but I wont abandon her either. Men who run away from someone they deeply love because it's not perfectly like the terms they would like to dictate, well, I get it, I also think they wimped out a bit and let down people they love. I still get it, I just, you know, this is a breakthrough, everyone should have the odd breakthrough, it's so enlightening.

It's early days yet, no gaurantees. Why plan your whole life just to be dissapointed eh. But for now, for this year it's on, and we can look at next year as it approaches.

Who knows, I might be a poly guy? Never thought about it before now. But today I'm extremely happy with what I already have, and that'll be just fine for now.
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Old 04-21-2012, 06:40 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

Originally Posted by Questioning View Post
Men who run away from someone they deeply love because it's not perfectly like the terms they would like to dictate, well, I get it, I also think they wimped out a bit and let down people they love.

I so wish I could get people to understand this. I get a lot of flack from my family because my relationships are difficult. I *love* these men. Just because they don't/can't participate the way I want them to, doesn't mean they don't love me, and it doesn't mean they're not worthy of being loved by me. I love them better than anyone I've ever known (and I've known, biblically and otherwise) more than a few people. I only feel normal when I'm with them.

Good on'ya!
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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Old 04-21-2012, 06:11 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Hey, jealousy might be evil, but if you give it a big hug and decide to let it in so you can understand it its really just a big ol' softy with some really big emotions. It needs a big cry and to be understood is all.... then it will turn into a squishy teddy bear and disappear
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Old 04-21-2012, 06:58 PM
insanity insanity is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 58

I didn't read other replies here only your first post.
You are really amazing, I wish to reach that situation with my boyfriend.

hope it all works out.
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Old 04-21-2012, 07:35 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 52
Default I love you people already.

So this is your secret, you're all so damn nice everyone falls in love with you. Foiled!

Thank you for the nice comments. It's not all sweetness and light here, but the balance has shifted considerably.

Yesterday was sheer bliss, last night I wake in an adrenalin surge, (very common during the dark times) convinced something is wrong, my brian races looking for trouble, unable to find any I start inventing some...

A lady turned up in the middle of the forest to a hut we worked from yesterday - hours off the beaten track - a casual new friend of my partners who's just moved to town. My brain is trying to tell me it's an arranged liason. But truth is it was a bored ecologist went tramping and decided to check up if we're at the hut as she knew we were in those mountains.

And now, I hope she is chasing M. She's really nice, very likeable, we get on great, and M hasn't had a lady lover in several years. No I don't want her too, though the baser side of me might entertain the thought a little

I'm happy today. Happy we are where we are, happy I managed to TEA my silly thoughts away with ease. Happy I am becoming open to the concept of other lovers for M.

Healing takes time, the trick is not to let up on the TEA or whatever you do when you feel in the clear (better). Stay on it, make sane thinking your imperative. Rejoice in the progress and declare war on self obsession and jealousy in all it's forms. Meanwhile be entirely selfish in the pursuit of your sanity.

BIG LOVE - to all.
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:18 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hey Questioning,

I finally got around to reading your thread here; it's great to hear that you and M are doing so much better now.

This site here (Polyamory.com) has surely got tons of info about jealousy, so use the "Search" feature and have a look around. But I also know of a few good external links you can use:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

That last link isn't about jealousy per se, but it's such a wonderful presentation and has many applications, including jealousy, for sure. Well worth checking out.

May you and M share many happy (and challenging!) moments as the weeks, months, and years go by.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:07 AM
Shadowgbq Shadowgbq is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 18

One thing to think about is how in our culture, we are taught to manifest our relationships as sort of contained & condensed into themselves, ever smaller. I love her so much all I can think about is her. All I wanna do is spend time with her. We spend less time with our friends so we can talk all day every day. Etc.

Instead, it's possible for a relationship itself to extend outwardly in the form of your other connections. When I meet a new girl, my relationship with my domestic partner is expressed in everything I do with the new person. My partner's light shines through in the new relationship. It wouldn't be the same without her, *I* wouldn't be the same without her, and everything I do is in the spirit and honor of what we have. She is my rock, my foundation on which other relationships can grow. The new connections don't have to take away OR have "no effect" on the existing one -- they can add to it.
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:34 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 52

Thanks for the links kdt - halfway through second one now.

I believe like many others that jealousy is a secondary emotion, and for me insecurity and fear underly jealousy, and the course these stem from the base fear - I am not enough, therefore I will not be loved.

I woke with more adrenaline today. Still having a hard time not feeling betrayed from when M was unconvincingly telling me she and another's relationship was platonic. This was fairly recent. She left me here, but I pretended I was ok, and she pretended there was no sex involved, and both knew otherwise.

She apologised, but I had to ask for the apology. I know this pattern of dishonesty is from her trying to protect loved ones, but dishonesty for me is huge, good intentions or not. It's all the childhood stuff again. Those people who were meant to love and take care of me let me down. I have trust issues, and though the lie is over, it resonates in my head.

My head - that source of bliss and despair, thinking frames the emotions, thinking around todays events is related to previous experience (we seem to choose the worse memories - self protection? - to bounce current events off).

So I think of her telling me lies (to protect me, and still not knowing who she was - self loathing - which allows us to behave like assholes) and all the distrusts and let downs of my past join forces to scream at me - RUN, YOU'RE GOING TO GET BURNT.

It's early days. I have a lot of processing of my own stuff to do yet. The thing is, reliving the past is a waste of time I spent years trying to fix my head previously but throw a relationship into the mix and all the old crap was right there again. Waste of time and resources imo. For lasting change I am learning to address the thoughts that trigger the emotions.

Thoughts: M is dishonest and will hurt me repeatedly through dishonesty and so I am better off taking my leave now.

Errors: Jumping to conclusions (will hurt me repeatedly). Blowing things out of proportions (she is a dishonest person). Extreme thinking (hurt repeatedly, take my leave). Reality filter (zero in on one negative aspect at expense of rest of picture). Ignoring the positive.

Analysis: From the amount of errors found in that one sentence it is obvious I'm not thinking straight. The extent of my hurt is largely proportionate to the extent of my past I choose to carry as baggage, and frankly, I'm sick of feeding off sympathetic energy for that crap, so it's time to stop being walking wounded, and return to thoughts of love. M has tried to be honest from the start, it's me who said I don't want to know. The dishonesty is with honest intention, and now the truth is out for all to see, there is no need for it anymore, but thinking perfection will arrive immediately after many years of using 'lies to protect others' - it may be unrealistic - I should look for progress, not perfection. I am looking for trouble. I am looking for something to be aggrieved about. What is the real stressor? Workload and procrastination! She loves me, she cares for me a great deal. I don't want to leave. I chose to stick it out, I chose to love her and to use this opportunity to get a handle on jealousy and other emotions that plague me. I am doing really well. For myself also - I should expect progress, not perfection.

Whew, that's a bit better, processing will go on a while, it gets faster and faster though.

Thanks for the pm from the person who this is helping already. It's the best tool I've found for dealing with thoughts. And as I've learned:

Thoughts -> Filtered through experience to give context -> emotions.

It is my choice when I think of M to go to the dishonesty and dwell on that, or to think of the love, the hugs, the caring, the laughter, the kisses, the good times of which there are so many. Her very smile lights me up.

We can control our thinking to some extent, and that in turn will get a handle on our emotions. I'll always be a passionate man, but my passion can be directed.
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:06 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264

Have you put M in touch with this board or any other way to read about polyamory and particularly people who practice it? I'm guessing she has so much guilt and shame around her feelings and actions, being honest is more than she can handle. It's one thing for you to give her this amazing story that you understand her nature and will try to accept it, and another to truly believe that you won't despise her for it, especially if she despises herself for it. It could be so reaffirming for her to hear stories of other people who love the way she does. I know it was for me.

You might also need to clarify between you what honesty means. Maybe you do want to know who she's sexually involved with, but not the details. Maybe you want to know whether she has other partners and how many, but not who they are. Considering your jealousy when you were out together, I'm guessing you'd be someone who'd like to know at least who she is involved with or interested in, so you aren't in a panic over every person who looks her way.

Hang in there! She's not deceiving you out of disrespect or malice. She's probably just afraid of losing you, most especially now that she realizes you might be the first man to ever try to accept her the way she is.
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:27 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 52

Thanks for that AC.

I am slowly introducing polyamory to M, and have been gleaning stories for her to read. Our lives are incredibly busy right now so I am just letting it be as is, with nothing but encouragement. Definately want M to be able to read of and meet other polyamorous folks so she doesn't feel so alienated. As workoad eases off in 6 weeks or so, we'll have opportunity to explore and introduce her to this community then. Honestly her schedule is insane, mines not that much better.

I know who the other people are in her life, I just get full of fear sometimes and then everyone is a potential threat as I feel so worthless.

Really appreciate the kind words. Her love has noticeably deepened since our poly talk, and I am very grateful for this also.
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boundaries, casual sex, emotions, envy, jealousy, sex, single

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