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  #31  
Old 11-27-2009, 01:34 AM
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maca maca is offline
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As a guy (who ,by nature, has a fix it attitude) might I suggest a video that LR and I have watched. Its called red hot massage( she got it on Amazon). The one on women genital, in particular, shows some great ways to CONNECT with each other. I found it very helpful in opening the emotional door between us.

And honestly who dosent love massages??????

Peace and Love
Maca
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  #32  
Old 11-27-2009, 02:22 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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Whereas, when I think of sex I think of... orgasm. Now, don't get me wrong I absolutely love sex, but it feeds a physical want not an emotional need for me.

This is often exactly how i am, and your post was really helpful to me simply to know that i am not alone,

I think you are really brave for sharing what happened in your past,

i was also sexually abused from a young age, younger than i can even remember, up until my teens and it has really made sex difficult for me, i had to really work hard to enjoy sex at all, and now that i do i thought perfect iv worked it all out, im over my past,

then recently i made love to someone and i felt some kind of emotional attachment, connection, im not even sure what during sex and i realised that actually i am missing out on something big because what i did feel with him was truelly amazing and i would like to be able to feel that with all my partners

i also have abandonment issues,
and i think it can make polyamoury harder because for me when i fall in love i have a very deep sort of childish attachment that is not very logical and that i have to work really hard on so that i am able to allow the adult part of my brain figure some things out so that i can feel more secure, this not only aplies to sex but it aplies to every aspect of every relationship that i have.

The first one is easier. About how I always knew there was something different about me. I have always felt a romantic connection with more than one person at a time. I thought I was defective. This is something I am still working myself through actually. The same idea that people who were molested as a child grow up and repeat it. I thought that my urges and wants for multiple relationships was something that was caused from my experiences and that in time I would heal from it and therefore my need for multiple people would go away as well.

This is exactly how i felt, sometimes i still wonder, am i wanting more than one lover because of my past, is this some abuse issue and then i look at my life and the people that i have in it, and i think no i really do like being poly, this is a choice. Whatever led me to this path doesn't matter because the point is i am choosing to stay on this path and i am happy hear.

I crave love,
but i also have much love to give.

The second part is, I have a belief that I need to be in love with someone to have sex with them. But, as I looked harder and deeper I ask myself what exactly does this mean to me. I love my fiance with everything I have, but now I see that when we are having sex it is just a physical activity (mighty fun lol) and there is no emotional connection on my side of it.

again i have same thoughts, with my long term partner i often feel that i find it very difficult to have an emotional connection through sex. I love him, when i touch him and hug him and hold him i get that connection but with sex it almost scares me if it gets to emtional,
our sex usually ends up as passoniate, hard, and playful, but sometimes i cannot stand to be touched gently, and I too am trying hard to work through this so that I can have gentle loving sex without putting up a barrior.


I want the feeling that I get when we snuggle. It's a deep emotional trance for me. I feel the world melt away and I am safe in his arms connected to his heart. I feel as though we are one. I want to work on bringing the two together and I think I will have to do alot of digging around to figure it all out.

Honestly reading your post was kind of scary because it seems we are looking for exactly the same thing and it was just over the last few days that i started to really think and dig deep within myself in regards to this issue.

Thankyou so much for sharing becuase you sharing your experience helped me feel brave enough to share my own,

i have other serious mental health isues left over from the abuse, (that im not sure i am ready to write here because i worry to much what others will think) fortunatly all my partners are very understanding about this,

Jools
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  #33  
Old 11-27-2009, 08:51 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Ladyjools, trust me when I tell you I know how good it feels to know that I am not alone. It was a scary thing to press the post button and now I am so happy that I have.

Redpepper, You have no need to apologize. I am so happy that you have healed from whatever your experiences were. It always makes me smile when I think of a woman out there shedding that one thankful tear of completion. It's our warrior cry

And so to update, I found that connection It was great! It took alot of focus on my part. I had to make myself do things that I don't normally do like maintain eye contact the entire time. It also took alot of prep from my fiance as well, but he's always been very loving and gentle never rushed, so all it took was me concentrating and being accepting of it on a much deeper level.
I won't go into details out of respect for my fiance and my "friend" who also reads the forum, but doesn't post.

This is going to take some work to where I don't have to focus so hard and just come naturally, but like I said it's fun practice. Lol

Really and truly, thanks for sharing this with me.
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  #34  
Old 11-27-2009, 09:04 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maca View Post
And honestly who dosent love massages??????

I must say he spoils. I get something rubbed every night. AND, the crazy thing is I never ever ask. He's too good to me.
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  #35  
Old 11-27-2009, 10:53 PM
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mantianing eye contact is something i find really difficult,
even not during sex,
can i ask was there anything you did to help be able to do this without it being extreemly uncomfortable, i can for a while and then i feel afraid, im not sure why because logically i know none of my men are going to hurt me,

Jools
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  #36  
Old 11-27-2009, 11:26 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Basically I didn't say beforehand that eye contact was needed. When I felt the connection fading I would look inside and figure out what I needed to keep it. I asked him to open his eyes and I locked onto them and searched them. Instead of feeling invaded by his eyes I looked deeper and deeper like I was trying to see his soul through his eyes. I was so focused on gaining this connection that fear wasn't even a factor.

I think you need to dig deeper into yourself. When you are ready it won't matter that you are scared because you will know there's no reason to be scared....

I will tell you something my sister told me just this year that really and truly healed me. Something simple.... You are not that little girl anymore. You are a grown woman , strong, and wise. He can't ever ever touch the child you used to be because the woman (here) is not that child.

After she said that... never again did I shrink up into that child when I heard "his" name.
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  #37  
Old 11-28-2009, 02:54 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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i remind myself all the time im not that little girl,
You seem so brave compared to me,

because of the mental health issues, sometimes i really am that little girl, (its hard to explain)

i am really lucky that i trust the men that i am with, none of them would hurt me, i am going to try to gradually build up more eye contact, maybe outside of the bedroom first,

Jools
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