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  #11  
Old 04-19-2012, 11:04 AM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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This comes back to the one of the premises of polyamory. You can only be responsible for yourself. That night you took responsibility in as much as you used a condom. There was no way you could have know short of an inquisition that he was attached. And that would have really set the mood lol. He was responsible for himself and he has to live with those consequences.

P.S. how come I can never seem to find a woman who is just horny lol.
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  #12  
Old 04-19-2012, 01:17 PM
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This comes back to the one of the premises of polyamory. You can only be responsible for yourself.
Right, and I am responsible if my actions cause their partner to come at me with a meat cleaver (to steal someone else's sig line ).

I think it's for reasons like this that I don't do casual sex any more (apart form the fact that it feels empty and just plain less satisfying).
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  #13  
Old 04-19-2012, 05:14 PM
Mudita Mudita is offline
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You can only be responsible for yourself.
Surely that doesn't preclude us from being considerate of others though.

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There was no way you could have know short of an inquisition that he was attached.
Well she could have just asked "Do you have any partners who would not be ok with this?" which would hardly be an inquisition.

If the other person chooses to lie there's not much you can do regardless, but at least it gives them the chance to 'fess up.
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  #14  
Old 06-13-2012, 08:42 PM
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Default different modes of interaction

I have acted differently depending on the situation and the person I am connecting with. Sometimes we are talking about ourselves and it is perfectly natural to have the conversation about lovestyles and my polyamory. Other times we are connecting over a shared interest like traveling or sports and a philosophical/ethics/what have you convo about poly just isn't part of the natural flow of things.

I do know that I have definitely screwed up by not being forthcoming about being poly. It is generally based on fear of rejection once I start to realize I am really into this person and worried that once I breach the subject I will be defending my way of life rather than continuing to keep gaining intimacy with them. I know this is not the correct course of action and unfortunately keep learning the lesson over and over. The intimacy gained is not true intimacy the moment you start actively hiding things from the other person and it is very hard to backtrack and gain that ground back again. Honesty is the best policy, even if it leads to rejection. At least I will still have my morals and beliefs intact.

It's kind of messed up, but I see needing to tell someone about being poly somewhat akin to telling them if you have an STD or kids or a warrant out for your arrest. It might make them shy away from you but they are important and relevant facts about you that they need to know to be able to truly accept you for who you are and not a false image of you that you are building to try and deceive them into accepting you.
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  #15  
Old 06-13-2012, 09:32 PM
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It's kind of messed up, but I see needing to tell someone about being poly somewhat akin to telling them if you have an STD or kids or a warrant out for your arrest. It might make them shy away from you but they are important and relevant facts about you that they need to know to be able to truly accept you for who you are and not a false image of you that you are building to try and deceive them into accepting you.
Vastly amused that kids are in this grouping, says the childfree smartarse.

To answer the original question, I tell up-front, as soon as the possibility of more than friendship arises. It's prominent in my OKC profile, and I go over it again if someone messages me because zie might not have understood. Anything later is unfair on the person in question, because what if zie is utterly uninterested in being with someone who's already with someone? Better to do it before feelings form.
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  #16  
Old 06-15-2012, 10:06 PM
PolyGamerGirl PolyGamerGirl is offline
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Default Telling

If I get serious with someone, I tell them that I am interested and that I am with someone else.

That is somewhat of a bomb to drop so it can leave a bit of a pause.

After that we can talk openly about a relationship that we can agree upon or they react badly and I politely excuse myself.
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  #17  
Old 06-17-2012, 05:30 PM
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Default Pick Up Line

Although I prefer to be transparent, I’ve been counseled not to use the “I have an open marriage” as a pick up line. As if by knowing this a woman I was interested in would immediately let go of her inhibitions and jump at the opportunity to get close to me. LOL.

I try to use terms like, “my wife and I have a very honest open relationship”. The right person would understand the significance of this revelation and my conscience is clear that I’m not hiding the truth.

I’ve learned the hard way to do a lot of research before I open up and potentially hurt someone else, myself and most of all, my wife.
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  #18  
Old 06-17-2012, 07:41 PM
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I try to use terms like, “my wife and I have a very honest open relationship”. The right person would understand the significance of this revelation and my conscience is clear that I’m not hiding the truth.
See, if you were meeting CdM and I, one or the other of us would ask what that meant. Communication issues cause so much poly drama that we've both learned to love the direct approach.
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  #19  
Old 06-17-2012, 08:57 PM
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Default Drama

This is a good, practical discussion for me to read about.

We've had an open marriage for six years.

I've only been intent on meeting someone for the past two years. I had a lot of soul searching to do and I wanted to understand as much as possible before I moved forward.

For me it's essential that I find a way to make sure I'm not being predatory and that I'm being as transparent as possible.

I've had 2 dates. One has led to a plutonic friendship the other was a complete disaster.

In both instances I was transparent about being in an open marriage. In retrospect I could have done a better job learning about who I was talking to, first.

I really like both women.

My plutonic friend is complimented that I find her attractive but not interested in being secondary.

My dramatic never wants me to bother her again encounter thinks that I’m a perverted womanizer.

Don’t want to go there again.
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  #20  
Old 06-17-2012, 10:17 PM
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You're going to get the dramatic "you perv" types. Isn't it somewhat better to figure out which ones those are from the get-go? They're not going to like it any better if you break it to them gently. In fact, I'm thinking those types would just be ticked you kept the whole truth from them. Then you become a perv and a liar.
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