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  #11  
Old 02-11-2012, 12:38 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I wonder if D understands why he feels the needs monogamy. I'm not saying that it's wrong of him to want that by any means, but it would be interesting to know whether he's really explored the possibilities or whether it's an issue of fear or jealousy or societal expectations that could be worked out.

Great essay on why people are not interchangeable, and why it hurts to lose a relationship even if you have more than one: http://www.xeromag.com/fvessay06.html
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  #12  
Old 02-11-2012, 10:27 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I wonder if D understands why he feels the needs monogamy. I'm not saying that it's wrong of him to want that by any means, but it would be interesting to know whether he's really explored the possibilities or whether it's an issue of fear or jealousy or societal expectations that could be worked out.

Great essay on why people are not interchangeable, and why it hurts to lose a relationship even if you have more than one: http://www.xeromag.com/fvessay06.html
Honestly, I don't think he does. It's jealousy - at least from what he's told me.

This is incredible! Thank you!

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It's always good to get clear on what people mean when they use certain words. I've learned that there is a wide variety of definitions people have for very common words like "dating," "relationship," "commitment," "friendship," and even "love."
C and I talked, and he said that to him "close friends" is often romantic and "platonic friends" and "family" (including what I'd call "chosen family" - like my best friend) are non-romantic.

He feels romantic toward me and wants to continue learning about each other and getting closer without the sexual component. Despite the fact that I'd love to have sex with him, I respect this, and it actually makes me feel really special. He could have sex with anyone, but with me he wants more. And that's really wonderful.

I would call that "casual dating." He said a compromise label might be "involved" but he didn't want to keep arguing about labels.

I said I was okay with literally calling it "this whatever." Labels aren't necessary to me. I just want to know what he means.

He decided, as I'd hoped he'd see, that he doesn't have time for a commitment right now, let alone monogamy. So I haven't lost him. This weekend he's with D, and they've decided to remain friends "for now."

I still feel some fear that C will choose monogamy with D eventually, but that article on irreplaceability really helped.
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  #13  
Old 02-17-2012, 09:27 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Thank you all for the help. Things have turned out beautifully.

C is back with his ex, K. I still want to talk to him about what's up with D, but he's been stressed lately so I've been avoiding bringing it up.

K is the girl he's in love with. Though K is more or less mono, she supports his relationship with me and thinks we're good together. I know he cares about her more (mostly, I think, because he's known her longer), but she and I have had a couple of talks about jealousy and she's been making an effort to learn more about poly, and we've been building a friendship.

On C's birthday, K and I baked a cake for C, then came up with a devious plan to get him in the shower (a birthday tradition in my dormitory). We tied him up and with the help of a few others, wrestled all 6'8" of him into the shower. It was great fun. The three of us hung out, and he made an effort to include me physically - tickling, hugging, massaging, etc. I felt cared for, and it was great.

On Valentine's Day he took her out for dinner. Later that night he was hanging out in a friend's room, and I came and joined them. He called her in and I cuddled up with her, and she stroked my hair and told me how glad she was that we're friends. I had my legs across her lap and in C's lap, and he tickled me and she stroked my legs and back.

All in all, things are going well. I'm still not sure what's going on with D, but nothing feels threatening right now.
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  #14  
Old 04-19-2012, 07:57 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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A final update:

I've completely lost interest in C. He had said we should hang out as friends with the possibility of something romantic. Then about a month later, he mentioned something that made me ask, "Wait, aren't you and K open?" He said, "No, no! We're monogamous." I said, "How long have you been monogamous?" He said, "About two weeks, I guess."

I said I would have liked to have known since I'd still harbored romantic feelings (especially since he lives 50 feet away from me and we see each other daily!).

He explained that they'd become monogamous again because "She's eating healthy, exercising, taking care of herself, and she's more stable now."

So basically, they were open because he was unsatisfied in the relationship and was hedging his bets! Honestly, I find that disgusting, and he was inconsiderate not to tell me they were no longer open.

So, basically - we're back to acquaintances now. And I'm probably much better off!
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A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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  #15  
Old 04-19-2012, 07:58 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Oh - but D and I are pretty close friends, still. So something good came from all this shit.
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A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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