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  #11  
Old 11-26-2009, 05:46 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by rosevett View Post
Do you and he NEED to be completely absorbed & saturated with 'The community'
HUGZ - E
If I was wiling to settle for less depth in our intimate relationship, I believe I could be healthy in keeping distance from areas of Redpepper's life that are new and somewhat threatening to me. I could be her friend and maintain distance easily but that is not what either of us wants.
I don't need to be a part of all areas of her life but I do need to be comfortable with them.

For example:
I'm not a vegetarian (although developing tendencies) but her not eating meet does not threaten. I am comfortable with that aspect of her life even though I have never really known a vegetarian. There are lots of vegetarians in our community.

I enjoy aspects of kink and BDSM but they also still threaten me in many ways due to the fine line of BDSM play and sex. Play can lead to emotional connection, emotional connection leads to loving feelings, loving feelings lead to falling in love and sex. Redpepper crushes often and relatively easily and I have a hard enough time with feeling I am hindering her in pursuing those brief connections. This is an area I need to be comfortable in as it is a part of her community and interests.

The majority of the people we enjoy being with are all from the same poly community. The majority of the poly community is very open, sex positive, exploratory and a little anti mono.

I enjoy the people in our community...they are the most accepting group of individuals I have ever met and I learn from each of them. I simply have a core need to be comfortable with the "group think" if you will. Redpepper shares a lot of the common beliefs in that group think. I am still struggling to not be threatened amongst it....and thus I am held back from reaching my potential with a woman who deserves all of me.


I think I just opened up another can of worms here...hmmmm the discovery never stops!

Thanks for the comments and making me look at some things
Mono
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-26-2009 at 10:00 PM.
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  #12  
Old 11-26-2009, 11:24 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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For me, when I hit struggles like that, it's usually an opposition between the way I think things "should" be and the way things are. I do a lot of work on letting go of the "should" thinking because I've found that it really holds me back. Interestingly, I find myself being stretched similarly by the guy I've been exploring a partnership with (he is famously out as poly and kinky, and not just out, but OUT as in well known and a presenter and writer on many such topics). While I'm ok being out among friends and such, as a teacher I have to balance being involved with that level of outness with my ability to maintain myself professionally. Which gets a bit more difficult to keep such things separate in the age of facebook and twitter.

But it's funny, once I started to let go of how I think things should be, I find myself drawn to such experiences.

Last edited by Ceoli; 11-26-2009 at 11:30 PM.
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  #13  
Old 11-27-2009, 05:47 AM
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For me, when I hit struggles like that, it's usually an opposition between the way I think things "should" be and the way things are..
I just want the struggling to stop.
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  #14  
Old 11-27-2009, 05:54 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I just want the struggling to stop.
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  #15  
Old 11-27-2009, 06:20 AM
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nothing too bad Ceoli. No worries. Thanks for the concern though.
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  #16  
Old 11-28-2009, 03:09 AM
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I think I empathize somewhat with you MONO in that I have never been able to be a 'part' of a community. I long ago learned to contribute this to my inability to live with myself if I compromise my internal being just to please a social group.

There are some people who just are not meant to belong to more than a handful of very carefully selected people. For some of us, 'community' is simply not an option.

There's nothing wrong with that. I personally have always felt that there is no law that says one must love all the people who surround ones beloved.
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  #17  
Old 11-28-2009, 03:38 AM
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There are some people who just are not meant to belong to more than a handful of very carefully selected people. For some of us, 'community' is simply not an option.

There's nothing wrong with that. I personally have always felt that there is no law that says one must love all the people who surround ones beloved.
Wow...thank you for putting that into words for me
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  #18  
Old 11-28-2009, 04:11 AM
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LOL Glad my years of struggling to figure it out finally was worth something to someone.
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  #19  
Old 11-28-2009, 04:16 AM
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You betcha...and they will challenge people too. Welcome to the forums again!!
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  #20  
Old 11-28-2009, 11:30 PM
rubyfish rubyfish is offline
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Don't feel too bad about missing normal, mono. I've never been normal and I miss it; even more when things are hardest.
I couldn't agree with this more. To be normal is to be accepted by nearly everyone for what you are, without having to explain. While I don't want to be anyone other than who I am, that does sound seductively nice.

Good luck on your journey, Mono. Self-discovery sucks until it's wonderful.
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