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  #391  
Old 04-18-2012, 08:12 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I feel like he's selling himself short, and shouldn't "settle" for a secondary-type relationship with me when he wants a full primary partner. I'd love for him to have both, but since he's mono I think the next best thing for him is to move on from me when he finds someone who can be more for him.
Trust that he knows what is best for him. Trust that he is taking responsibility for his own choice to be with you, accept the terms of your arrangement, and love you wholeheartedly. Whenever anyone says things like, "it's not fair for so-and-so, they should have the kind of partner they really want," it kind of states that you know better than he does what should make him happy. Fuck that. Personally, I have often felt that these words are very wise: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with." Why shouldn't he invest fully in what is present in his life right now? We've all only got this moment. Beats hanging on waiting to fulfill an unrealized dream.

As long as big important decisions aren't made based on the euphoria of NRE, I don't think it's a problem. He's not settling, let him enjoy it. I think you like to have a logical system and knowing that B follows A in the way it is meant to, but I would not worry so much if I were you.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-18-2012 at 09:40 PM.
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  #392  
Old 04-18-2012, 09:05 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Sometimes I feel like he has me up on a pedestal so high I can't reach him. He's someone who doesn't really recognize his own self worth, and really seems to believe I am out of his league, which is ridiculous. I feel like he's selling himself short, and shouldn't "settle" for a secondary-type relationship with me when he wants a full primary partner. I'd love for him to have both, but since he's mono I think the next best thing for him is to move on from me when he finds someone who can be more for him. I don't think he's going to be able to recognize the potential in any other woman as long as he still believes I am the personification of beauty and wisdom.
If C is truly insecure, and manages his insecurity by putting you on a pedestal, not seeing the 'real you' (maybe you are that awesome! just sayin') then is not in NRE really but something else. Something that may not go away in a few months or weeks. Just something to think about.
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  #393  
Old 04-18-2012, 10:10 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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If C is truly insecure, and manages his insecurity by putting you on a pedestal, not seeing the 'real you' (maybe you are that awesome! just sayin') then is not in NRE really but something else. Something that may not go away in a few months or weeks. Just something to think about.
Ok, now you have me a bit scared! Something else like what? Because he's been claiming from the get-go that he's never felt anything like this for anyone else in all his 50-odd years, whereas for me it was only ever, "Wow, another intriguing and delightful man I love!" plus the excitement of something new. Maybe I am that awesome as I do have that tendency to draw people in, but my faults are really not that hard to find. Ask my husband.

He's not co-dependent, at least. I have my radar up for that one. He leads a very independent, full and fascinating life, and really has less time for me than I'd like. He says I've been helping him become more confident. (Rich geeks with a thorough understanding of G-spots are a hot commodity, right?!) I just assumed that eventually he'd tire of showering me with compliments and start noticing that I'm as imperfect as anyone else. How would I know if this isn't normal NRE?
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  #394  
Old 04-19-2012, 12:34 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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AC,

Sorry, I should have fleshed that out a bit more! I really did not mean to be so foreboding.

I just meant the NRE-ness is based on newness, steeped in happy brain chemicals, with a side of unreality. It goes away on its own sooner or later.

However, insecurity does not go away on its own usually. (I do believe one can grow out of insecurities - I know I did.) If his ideas about your awesomeness are connected to a corresponding lack of his own worth, well that's not going away when the happy chemical brainbath and newness erode. Perhpas, his placing you on a pedestal may be more about "You are so far above me, I worship you' dynamic than the stereotypical NRE.

I have no way of knowing if this is accurate - just something that struck me. Hence the 'something to think about'. I'm certainly not saying run screaming away from C. (50 year old geek with G spot skills? Why yes, please!) Just that you may be on that pedestal and adored for longer than you think. There are way worse things of course!
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  #395  
Old 04-19-2012, 02:01 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Trust that he knows what is best for him. Trust that he is taking responsibility for his own choice to be with you, accept the terms of your arrangement, and love you wholeheartedly.
Most of the time I manage this. I think, "He's really crazy for being willing to get involved with me in this limited, restrained way," but I know he is making his own decisions based on full disclosure of what he can and can't expect from this. Sometimes though I hear this nagging voice in the back of my head that says he doesn't believe he truly deserves the relationship he really wants. He says I'm helping him build the skills to have a successful partnership someday, and I hope he's right.

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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
If his ideas about your awesomeness are connected to a corresponding lack of his own worth, well that's not going away when the happy chemical brainbath and newness erode.
Oh I see. There might be an element of this, but maybe not. I don't hear him say things often about me being better than he is, although he has said he finds it amazing that I would choose to be with him when I could (he believes!) be with anyone I want.

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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
(50 year old geek with G spot skills? Why yes, please!)
Right? He's got some serious talent! And brains, and he made his fortune early so he's retired and spends all his time involved in fascinating hobbies and travel, he's a fit outdoorsman, a gentleman, and great at communication... seems like quite a catch to me, but inside he still believes he's the socially awkward nerd from his teenage years, so he says when he meets a woman who interests him he gets shy and clams up (except with me, apparently the only woman he ever simultaneously adored and felt at ease with).

Ok, I'll just sit tight and bask in the attention, and when we get past this stage I'll enjoy the steadiness of ORE.
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  #396  
Old 04-19-2012, 04:52 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I actually thought of you, AC, while I was out tonight. It occurred to me that what you perceive as him putting you on a pedestal is simply appreciation for who you are and what you give him. You may not be used to his openness and frankness in being able to express his feelings about you. And so you think he gets carried away.

The other thing is, what you said reminded me of some feedback I've often gotten over the years. Men have always told me, "You're not like anyone I've ever known," "You're so different," etc. Before I was married, they often wondered why no one had "snatched me up," and told me I was so much more of this, that, and every other thing than anyone else they'd ever been in relationship with.

Now, I don't think I'm all that. Sure, I'm cool, but the thing I think that throws 'em is that I've always strived to be as honest and straightforward as I could, to the best of my ability at any given time (I wasn't so great at it in my 20s, but I tried). I never was a game player.

And I think that there are so many women out there who were taught to play games, strategize, and manipulate, that guys don't know what to do with those of us who won't. And we don't quite get why we're so different because this is the only way we can be ourselves.

So, you may not be on a pedestal, but you are like a breath of fresh air. And he appreciates that, so don't worry. It simply sounds like his eyes are open, he revels in who you are, and probably says these things more than you are used to. Relax, and soak it up.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #397  
Old 04-19-2012, 05:07 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think that there are so many women out there who were taught to play games, strategize, and manipulate, that guys don't know what to do with those of us who won't. And we don't quite get why we're so different because this is the only way we can be ourselves.
Oh, we must be cut from the same fabric! I have been accused of being even too honest at times. C says he appreciates that I don't punish him for being honest. I have in fact gotten upset with him for times he has glossed over his true thoughts and given me what he thought was a friendlier answer. He also learned very early on not to try to "read between the lines" to try to discern what I'm thinking, because with me, everything is all spelled out. If I didn't come out and say it, it's not what I'm thinking.

I am happy to soak up those compliments -about our connection, about my character, even about the way I dance. But when he thinks my medium length plain light brown eyelashes are "a microcosm of beauty" then I think he's just punch drunk on love. I can enjoy it most of the time, but I'm ready to be a flawed human in his eyes. I should just be patient?
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  #398  
Old 04-19-2012, 09:11 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Isn't it ironic:

there's him, thinking "she is such an incredible magical creature, I don't get what she sees in me, she deserves somebody better than I am"

and there's you, thinking "he is a wonderful person, he deserves something better than what I can offer, a monogamous relationship with somebody who will be able to only be with him, I am not good enough for him to adore/stay with since I can't provide that".

What if you both just tried to let the person whose responsibility it is to make sure they are not selling themselves short, i.e. themself, worry about their own needs, and trust the other person to take care of themself? That way you can both truly enjoy what you have as long as it feels good, without worrying about the future time when it may no longer feel satisfying.
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  #399  
Old 04-22-2012, 12:06 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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When you say C is mono do you mean him not seeing other while in a primary relationship and or him requiring the same from primary partner?

Is your husband aware that C is mono in terms of how he(C) would structure a primary relationship.
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  #400  
Old 04-22-2012, 12:19 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
But when he thinks my medium length plain light brown eyelashes are "a microcosm of beauty" then I think he's just punch drunk on love. I can enjoy it most of the time, but I'm ready to be a flawed human in his eyes. I should just be patient?
Or maybe you should look in the mirror and accept just how beautiful your lashes really are.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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