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  #11  
Old 04-18-2012, 05:32 PM
tll2k6 tll2k6 is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
I caution you to treat anyone else who provides specifics as to what THEY regard as cheating as input to your own process, not as a "rule-of-thumb" to stick to.

So if your partner thought she was breaking the rules of what she understood to be the relationship, then she is entitled to that. Maybe that should be a prompt for the two of you to sit down and agree on what those rules should be....
I have a mind that operates on logic. My confusion stemmed from our logic on the idea of what is cheating and what isn't. She said that she's coming back Friday. We are going to have some long discussions after that. I am amazed how helpful and supportive this forum is. I was reading through some posts before I posted and I really appreciate how kind and informative you all are! Thank you so much. I really believe we can make it through this now.
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  #12  
Old 04-18-2012, 11:22 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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She might be one of those people who are really hard on themselves and can't forgive themselves. Or (I don't know her) she could have blamed herself in the hope that you would comfort and forgive her. Or maybe even a mix of the two.

But either way, cheating doesn't have a very strict definition. There are grey areas and I think my advice would be to put it aside, stop wondering if it was cheating or not, and discuss what would be cheating or not from now on, so that you can be sure you're on the same page now.

I don't think personal opinions are very relevant, but I will share mine for those who are curious: I think if you were hiding something because you thought it was wrong, even if the person would have been fine with it it was a form of cheating. If things happened without you noticing and you were not trying to hide it, though, even if after the fact you feel terrible I don't think it was cheating. Cheating is, in my opinion, something you have to actively do, or actively refuse to prevent.
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  #13  
Old 04-19-2012, 12:01 AM
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DevotedGeek DevotedGeek is offline
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Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Cheating is about doing something 'wrong' intentionally (wrong according to the personal standards and morals of a person). [...] The biggest indication for this would be that she found out about her feelings AFTER he broke up the contact with her.

[...] Give her some time to sort her feelings out. If she never thought about the possibility of loving more than one this can be quite a shock for her.
I love this advise. I have very similar feelings about this.

For me, even before opening our marriage and embracing polyamory, I'd understand if someone fell emotionally in love so long as they didn't pursue it. We're human, and the heart feels what it feels.

If someone mono is having poly feelings for the first time, then it must have been a confusing experience. She might not have fully understood it, or if she did, she might have felt guilty or not known what to do about it. The two of you had no frame of reference on this. If she didn't pursue her feelings physically, then I'd feel she held up her end of the agreement for a monogamous relationship, give them the benefit of a doubt, and be supportive.

That said, if the two of you wish to pursue polyamory, then this is the opportunity to determine how to proceed in the future, if/when something like this happens again. She's now prepared for it, aware that she can have these kind of emotions, realizes that it's ok (assuming the two of you really ARE ok with being poly together), and can talk with you about it much sooner. The two of you can establish your ground rules... do you want to approve each other's OSOs? Have veto power? Or just communicate ahead of time of any potential love interests?
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  #14  
Old 04-19-2012, 01:11 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
But either way, cheating doesn't have a very strict definition.
Tonberry, I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with you. I think that it's vital that each relationship come up with a very explicit definition of the rules of the relationship to determine exactly what is and isn't considered "cheating". And that needs to happen very close to the start of the relationship.

If it is left with grey areas, then there could be all sorts of very real potential for hurt and breaches of trust. When there is hurt and a lack of trust, then the relationship is liable to flounder badly, or even not survive.

Society doesn't encourage is to have this discussion, relying instead on some sort of cultural norms, propagated by popular culture. I think that we need to think for ourselves and put stuff in place to make sure that we don't hurt the ones we love, or be hurt by them.

I have a feeling that you may have been saying just this with your next sentence, but I wasn't sure...
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  #15  
Old 04-19-2012, 11:34 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Tonberry, I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with you. I think that it's vital that each relationship come up with a very explicit definition of the rules of the relationship to determine exactly what is and isn't considered "cheating".
Emphasis mine. Yes, I agree with that. My point is that there isn't a definition that's the same for every relationship ever, and doesn't require people to talk about it beforehand.
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  #16  
Old 04-19-2012, 11:59 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Emphasis mine. Yes, I agree with that. My point is that there isn't a definition that's the same for every relationship ever, and doesn't require people to talk about it beforehand.
:-) I agree with you on so many things, I was surprised when I thought we didn't on this one - turns out we did. :-)
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