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Old 04-16-2012, 05:38 PM
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Metriste Metriste is offline
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Talking Another new guy

Hi everyone, I'm a married bi male brand new to poly and looking for advice and support as I adjust to a relationship style I've never experienced before. So far I'm just looking to make sure I take it slow and careful. Here are the pertinent details.

Me: 25, male, Kinsey 3, married (monogamously until very recently) for 4 years and very happy. Never gave any thought to poly until a strong friendship started to turn into something more.
My wife: 23, female, Kinsey 1, also happy in our marriage but willing to cautiously explore a triad or quad.
My potential SO: 19, male, Kinsey 3. We've been friends for 18 months and discussing the possibility of a relationship for about 6.
My potential SO's fiancee: 19, female, Kinsey 0/1. I don't really know her at all yet due to logistical factors, but she's aware of the situation; official negotiations (for lack of a better word) haven't begun yet.

My situation is a bit unique because my wife and potential SO are both active military and only come home a few times a year, and my potential SO's fiancee is in college 2 cities away. There is a communication network, but it's almost entirely phone calls and text messages. Currently we're in the very early stages of figuring out what's going on here, what we all want and how those factors may or may not work together.

Any and all advice and tips for people new to poly are always greatly appreciated, thanks for reading!
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Discard the protective rags of that vice which you call a virtue: humility—learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness—and when you learn that pride is the sum of all virtues, you will learn to live like a man.

Last edited by Metriste; 04-16-2012 at 05:52 PM.
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Old 04-17-2012, 05:01 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Metriste,
Welcome to our forum.

Re:
Quote:
"Any and all advice and tips for people new to poly are always greatly appreciated, thanks for reading!"
Some of my standard guidelines are:
  1. Communicate; communicate; communicate.
  2. Total openness, honesty, and transparency.
  3. Careful empathy, respect, and objectivity.
  4. Wait on the knowledge and consent of all concerned.
  5. New relationships only when existing relationships are secure.
  6. New relationships only if they benefit existing relationships.
  7. Move at the pace of the slowest person.
Re: rules for your particular poly clan ... if you have rules, make sure everyone understands and agrees, and stick to them. Be ready and willing to renegotiate from time to time, but don't stray from whatever the rules are at the moment.

Asking permission ahead of time is a lot easier than having to beg for forgiveness after the fact.

Tons of talking ... and tons and tons of listening.

Take nothing for granted. Never assume something's obvious!

Brook no assumptions.

To "assume" ... is usually to make an "@$$- out of -u- and -me."


From Betty Baker (after I tweaked it):
  1. Polyamory is about loving multiple people.
  2. Self-sufficiency is an essential relationship skill.
  3. Remember that only you are responsible for your own happiness and mental health.
  4. Assuming malice is stupid and counterproductive.
  5. Don't panic (and don't panic about panicking).
  6. Don't try to change your partners' fundamental traits.
  7. Promote communication and nurture warmth.
  8. Impose consequences for lies and unsafe sexual practices, and follow through on them.
  9. Treat your crushes, partners, and metamors with respect and civility.
  10. Be tender and attentive to all of your lovers.
  11. When you're jealous and envious, acknowledge it; take some time out for you.
  12. Be good to yourself, and be nice to others.
See https://sites.google.com/site/polyadvicenurse/ for more.

Keep Franklin Veaux handy ... as well as Opening Up: creating and sustaining open relationships ... a book by Tristan Taormino.

Beware ... beware ... beware of NRE!


Some general tips (these are native to both monogamy and polyamory):

Different people have different "love languages" ... e.g.
  1. Words of Affirmation.
  2. Quality Time.
  3. Receiving Gifts.
  4. Acts of Service.
  5. Physical Touch.
Watch out for "danger behaviors" ... e.g.
  1. Contempt (cold, insulting indifference).
  2. Defensiveness (angry, irrational reactions).
  3. Criticism (lectures, disapproval, etc.).
  4. Stonewalling (silence, avoidance, etc.).
Hope this helps ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-17-2012, 05:06 AM
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Metriste Metriste is offline
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Thanks a bunch for the rundown, my wife and I already practice many of these skills and habits with each other; the ones we don't, we'll make sure to focus on. I'm especially wary of NRE, I see enough people warning newcomers about it to know it's nothing to take lightly. I'm experiencing it now to some degree, but I'm very conscious about keeping it in check and maintaining objectivity.
__________________
Discard the protective rags of that vice which you call a virtue: humility—learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness—and when you learn that pride is the sum of all virtues, you will learn to live like a man.
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Old 04-17-2012, 05:11 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Watch out for "danger behaviors" ... e.g.
  1. Contempt (cold, insulting indifference).
  2. Defensiveness (angry, irrational reactions).
  3. Criticism (lectures, disapproval, etc.).
  4. Stonewalling (silence, avoidance, etc.).
oh shoot.

one bf uses a lot of contempt and defensiveness; i tend to be critical; other bf is pretty stonewall-ish.

*sigh*

Good to have it smack me upside the head all in one place like that. thanks. (sort of)
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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Old 04-17-2012, 05:19 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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No problem, it's what I do ...
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