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  #31  
Old 04-13-2012, 06:39 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Maybe, rory! Hehe. Was unintended for me, but nice.

C cooking a very late brunch (at 4.30 in the afternoon) - he's hanging with friends later on tonight. I'm having a night in, maybe with Sage if he's around, or perhaps just by myself.

It's been great having Carob here on holiday and will be sad when he leaves early Sunday morning. This is also the most consecutive nights I've spent sleeping with him - since last Wednesday when he arrived. Even when C and I were in the same city (and I was long distance with Sage) C & I didn't sleep over nights together for extended periods. Longest was a holiday together for our 2nd year anniversary, and that was maybe 4 nights? And by accident actually, we got caught to a snow storm and were stranded for an extra one or two nights.

So yes. Interesting period, but I'm ready to get back into a routine. We've been keeping holiday time and eating out quite a bit. Haven't seen too much of S but things are well.

We've just moved house... It was really good timing actually because we still have one more week in our old place so I have been able to stay in the new place with Carob while Sage chilled out at our old place. Meant we didn't have to fork out for motels or anything to give each other space.

Really feel for people who do LDRs and need to share living all together when a lover visits.

S has applied for a job at our home town (where C currently still lives). If he gets it, it's a permanent position that will start early next year. I am on unpaid leave from my job in the same city until round about then.

Carob was thinking of moving to find work in the town we are now, but we're feeling like it would be great to co-ordinate things better to minimise the living-apart times. So... if he does move here I hope it will be for something temporary instead of too permanent (that is, if S and I are moving back Feb next year!)

Regardless of what happens LDR-wise, we can handle it - though I'd prefer not to have to of course
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  #32  
Old 04-14-2012, 01:00 AM
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Slept with Sugar last night as C crashed over with another friend. Carob leaving town tomorrow morning. Ah... But if all goes to plan, it won't be too long before I see him again (I'm planning to head over there about this time next month)

Loved how easy we slipped in together and how good it felt to curl up to S. Even though Carob is leaving soon, it was good to spend some one-on-one time with Sugar. Have been missing it.

In the early hours of the morning I thought about sleeping alone... It's something I hardly ever do, but I'd like to make time for somehow.

Well, what I'd really like is to have whatever experiences are necessary to have enough empathy with how things are for other people. E.g. how things feel for S not having me around at times when he would like it. What it feels like to sleep alone in our house. Not necessarily to orchestrate opportunities, but really value chances when they come my way.

I know the same thing won't necessary feel the same for me as they feel for other people, and also there are some things I just won't be able to experience personally. But the small windows I've happened upon into how things roll on the "other sides" of my relationships have really helped me understand other points of view in a deeper way.
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  #33  
Old 04-14-2012, 07:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Really feel for people who do LDRs and need to share living all together when a lover visits.
Oh no, we are happy as clams. One-bedroom flat for three people, what more could you want? Well, we make do with that, but it sure is nice this time to take a break from that and share a hotel room with Mya alone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
I know the same thing won't necessary feel the same for me as they feel for other people, and also there are some things I just won't be able to experience personally. But the small windows I've happened upon into how things roll on the "other sides" of my relationships have really helped me understand other points of view in a deeper way.
In an N there's a bonus in that even if you are a hinge of a V, you are a leg of a V at the same time. So, techically, you should be able to experience some of both sides. I haven't felt it to be much so, though. It's so individual. Even me and Mya, who are sort of in the exact same position, have somewhat different experiences in that. Then again, maybe we just happen to have personalities in our setting who experience things differently, yet you might find it more useful, if you feel more similarly to your partners.
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  #34  
Old 04-16-2012, 02:40 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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time can makes us happen

like a glass can cup a puddle
like a doorway holds visitors in knots
of conversation unraveling; released
from the confines of infinity
we grow caterpillar
wings

so

let's put lids
on pots to hear the steam
screaming i'm alive! run like sand
through the hour glass; i am
the bottom bowl
tasting you
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  #35  
Old 04-17-2012, 02:32 AM
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Default Adjusting

Carob left on the weekend. It took longer than I thought it would to reconnect with him this time... I've been going quite far on personal adventures and needed a bit of recalibration with his ways of being and putting things. Was all good, though.

Sad to see him off (of course) and mingled a bit with baseless fear of abandonment. He's recently hooked up with a sweet friend of his, Ella. I can tell she's really nice, though I know her much less well than he does. Apparently she's quite into him and he is likewise smitten (so so cute).

Last night they had a date to catch up, since he'd got back there the previous day. For this and other reasons we haven't had a proper chance to chat since he left. I think the contrast (seeing him almost 24/7, then not at all) was a bit unbalancing.

Anyway re: Carob's date with Ella last night, I wasn't feeling jealousy per se, but this odd longing... like ligaments were being stretched, and I really wanted to touch or talk just a little, to stop wobbling. I was surprised how much this coloured my mood. Anyway here's a snippet from an e-mail I wrote to C this morning:

last night, had strange emotions. was making out with sugar, was sweet... but it was mixed in with missing you and feeling non-rationally weird about you and ella... i tried to think maybe you guys were hooking up and having a good time and i tried to fill up my heart with the joy of that being a good thing, to somehow riff off my imagination of some kind of combined happy energies... but actually i felt odd, and sad, and missing you, and craving to resolve some unfinished threads of things between us, and yeah. just wasn't feeling good and i kinda had to sleep it off. didn't unload this shit on sugar, was quite tired anyway... mmm... yeah. i guess i'm just adjusting. it's heady eh. but good. real. baby steps. ah how often we are reborn

Last edited by fuchka; 04-17-2012 at 02:35 AM.
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  #36  
Old 04-17-2012, 03:45 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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oh, thank you for sharing the poetry. I really like it!
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  #37  
Old 05-13-2012, 07:08 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Quote:
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oh, thank you for sharing the poetry. I really like it!
Thanks! Always nice to hear positive feedback Writing is very cathartic for me
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  #38  
Old 05-13-2012, 07:08 PM
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Default Surely I can count my chickens _now_

Sitting in Carob's living room. 5.45am and I haven't really been able to sleep yet, so was time to get out of bed - especially because it was getting kinda tight in there as C and Ella spread out a bit More on this later.

Yeah, so much has happened since last time I posted.

C's been hating work and really needs a change. Friends of his living in the same city Sugar & I have moved to suggested he take up work there. Would be good for him and, as a very pleasant side effect, mean we don't have to do long-distance, but...

Carob has just hooked up with this girl Ella and dynamics between them are such that it would be quite tough and possibly not viable to try long-distance for their relationship at this stage. So, he's pretty much having to weigh up options, i.e. 'do I stay or do I go'

When I describe the facts of the matter like that, it seems like a simple thing, but it's been slightly fucking with me a bit cos... y'know... missing. And hoping he gets what he needs. And not wanting to be too emotionally invested in what he picks in advance of him making up his mind. I mean, regardless of whether he moves to where I am or stays in our home town, we'll make it work.

That said, I'd obviously love if he was nearer. But if I dream dreams of him moving over, I reckon that just sets me up to feel almost personally rejected if he chooses to stay. I've seen little windows of this. So I've pushed pause in that little corner of my hope snowglobe - pending his decision, which should be soon.

That could come across as a bit unhealthy, like head-in-sand or something, but yeah. Given the dynamic - he's in a new relationship with someone in our home town, and LDR with me - I'd like to give myself the best chance of seeing things from a good perspective rather than warped by jealousy/insecurity/longing/disappointment/whatever. Things are a smidgen messy geographically right now, but... we can do this.

Meanwhile, Sugar had applied for a job back in our home town that would start once his current contract finishes. Unfortunately, he didn't get the job which was pretty shit for him personally and also for the neatness of our future plans. His chosen vocation is notoriously thin on the ground with permanent jobs, so for the foreseeable future (once this job ends early next year) he's either (a) giving up his dream occupation, and trying to cope with that (in the past, he's felt quite down when he hasn't been working in that field, and if you stay out too long it jeopardises your chances of returning to the profession) or (b) accepting short term assignments, possibly anywhere around the world...

He doesn't really want to choose (b) but not sure if (a) will make him happy. Guess we'll find out. Again, I'm trying to stay fairly detached from that. I'm keeping myself busy and cultivating a stable headspace, and also keeping open-minded as to where I live and work in the next few years. Our current plan is moving back to our home city once this job runs out, but really - who knows?

My only confidence is we can make it work, and we'll do our best to communicate through to the best solutions rather than slip into lowest common denominator by default. Have had "We can work it out" looping through my head fairly frequently of late

OK OK so enough of that already. I had fucking amazing sex last night. At the moment I'm back to home city for a visit. Sugar and I had to go to a friend's wedding in a nearby city so we thought we'd take the opportunity to drop by. S had to return to work but I'm staying another week. Is the first time I've been back since Carob and Ella hooked up, so... yeah. Before Sugar went back, we had a dinner the four of us. Was a tad off-kilter e.g. among other things: C had just told Ella the previous day that he was thinking of moving away, and she was understandably upset and I imagine feeling quite insecure about things... as for me, I hadn't yet caught up with Carob one-on-one since I'd been back, before the dinner. The order of things had got a bit topsy-turvy, but it needed to be that way to make time for everyone to meet up before S scooted off.

Still with me?

Anyway, now Sugar is back and I'm here for another week by myself. Ella said she'd like to catch up with me once or twice before I go, so we took the chance to hang out a bit yesterday.

Well now.

She made me coffee and we were outside sitting on the grass at her place talking. First time we'd talked just the two of us since she and Carob got together. She wrote me a letter (handwritten letter, woo! Lady after my own tastes) which kinda expressed a bit of how she was feeling, but of course it's far superior to talk in person. We covered a bit of ground, then at one point she said "do you want to make out?"

Now Carob had teasingly mentioned things like threesomes, and dripped fantasies into my ear about how it would be to make out with Ella. I ran with them as fantasies sometimes, but really thought that it was presumptuous to assume that would be the case - especially since, as far as I knew, C hadn't brought this up with Ella.

Anyway, I actually had to think about whether I wanted to kiss her or not. I mean, if not for complicating factors, I'd be carefree and go with the vibe and see where things go. But I felt like I shouldn't be that impulsive, given their new relationship and not wanting to affect the healthy trajectory of that, esp with C still not sure of what he wants to do with moving or not. So I thought for a moment about potential pitfalls, if I felt like this was a right step... (this is very unusual for me, maybe I have finally grown up! Haha)

Anyway all signs pointed to: YES.

We kissed. We talked some more. We cuddled. It got darker. We made out some more. I shared passionately my limited knowledge of the visible constellations. She seemed to like that. We got cold, and went to bed. She is really beautiful and said that I was 'smokin hot', which floored me in the best way. At some point we got hungry as we both hadn't eaten since breakfast.

She suggested we catch up with Carob for food. I didn't mind either way - meeting up with him or not. The initial plan (before, ah, god, the sweet nakedness and taste of her skin) was for me to catch up with Ella and then swing round to C's and stay there the night. Now it seemed like we were gonna try this out, how nice is a triangle in bed together?

Turns out - VERY VERY VERY VERY nice. Holy fuck we had fun. I've had a few experiences of group sex but not many. This was a first for me - negotiating the emotions of three people in I suppose a V-shaped relationship bringing bodies together... I was concerned that everyone would feel included and safe and loved. From my perspective, that definitely happened. Lots of touching, group cuddles, I felt held and reassured even when I had the briefest press of skin-on-skin.

We dabbled with a bit of psychological play (apparently she's been discovering her submissiveness since she met Carob) and general roleplaying and a toyed a bit with the pain/pleasure tightrope. Not too much, just a taste. It was good.

We cuddled to sleep the three of us. Is a squeeze in the bed but we made an admirable effort to be sure. Unfortunately for me, though, I was too hyped up to be able to sleep. Not sure when we eventually turned in, but I gave sleeping a good go, at least 3 hours. It was cosy and I didn't want to hop out of bed as I usually do when I can't get to sleep. Also I didn't want them to wake up and wonder where I was, and worry I didn't feel like I had enough room, or I wasn't feeling comfortable for whatever reason.

Anyway, we're definitely going to have to step gently over the next wee while getting used to things. I want to leave enough room for Carob to figure what he wants. I want to let C and Ella's relationship between themselves stand up on its own legs. I'm open to things developing more as a threesome (or maybe foursome, I guess that's the inevitable question, though obviously not the foregone conclusion!) but it's early for their relationship and I'd like them to enjoy and navigate things a bit more just the two of them. If Carob decides to stay, they'll get plenty of space for that by default. So I can see why staying would be good for their relationship. If C can find better work here and sort himself out so he doesn't feel stuck in a rut here (like he does at the moment) it could be the neatest solution. But yeah, guess I'll see what he chooses.

Meanwhile, I'm still feeling really high from the spectacular sexing. My god, the intensity. I really really liked it. I'm keen to find out what the other two's verdicts are. They mumbled positively as they fell asleep but I'd like to look them in the eye over breakfast We're hopefully going to the local cafe at which the staff who know us seem to have assumed that Carob is cheating on me since I've been away. Hehe. Will be fun.

Okay, managed to kill an hour and a half writing this and other e-mails. 7am... wonder if I can persuade C + E to wake up. Maybe if I took coffee to bed...

Last edited by fuchka; 05-13-2012 at 07:19 PM.
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  #39  
Old 05-14-2012, 06:49 AM
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rory rory is offline
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It seems like work/future insecurities are present in almost everybody's life... Here as well. Hopefully it will all work out good.

Yay for the hot sex. Sounds totally awesome.
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  #40  
Old 05-20-2012, 02:42 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Default Ready to name the beast

It's been a hectic week. Was helping to organise an event on Thursday night (and performing at it), as well as participating in a 48 hour competition over the weekend, before heading back overseas. On the way I seem to have contracted some kind of head cold so tired, icky, heavy head, but happy.

It was so good to see Sugar and eat a home-cooked meal. Our place is really cosy and, even though we've only been here a month or so, it feels like a home-coming to return here. Nice.

Carob has decided to stay in our home town, with Ella. The decision hurt a bit and it did make me feel (non-rationally) like the less favourite person... but I knew it really wasn't about that. We talked and cuddled through some fairly ragged emotions and thoughts. I'm gonna miss him heaps, but we are going to try to do long-distance better (more video chat and projects together even from a distance.) I'm feeling good about the future.

In terms of Ella, well. Gosh. She's sweet, and soft, and very lovely. I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said yes. Blush, scuff shoes, ah, *squee*

*moon-face*

Thought it was an appropriate time to agree to be Carob's girlfriend too. He's been calling me his girlfriend since we hooked up, and I've avoided the term for some reason... now it just feels right. I guess things feel settled enough that putting a label on the jar really doesn't bother me. Won't change what is inside.

So, yeah. I might have to get one of those taglines that explain the shape of everything Eh, maybe not yet.

Aaaah. Yeah. Ella's cute. We're gonna be penpals
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