Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 04-17-2012, 12:17 AM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

When the emotions and hormones are a-whirlin' then it can be very difficult to think straight and work out what you need to do.

Luckily we on this forum have the benefit of not being in love and lust with him and can take a step back and give you a range of perspectives for you to take on-board as you wish. I hope in some way it has helped you sort things out.

For what it's worth, it DOES sound like you are doing the right things to try to get things back on track and to find out if he really is as trustworthy as he says he is, and you are looking for ways to verify that. This will stand the best chance of saving folks pain and anguish.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 04-17-2012, 02:32 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,065
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Messenger View Post
I was not aware of him being in a poly relationship with a girlfriend until after we had already been together. I assumed when he said, "you should meet X" that he was talking about a friend or FWB.
Okay, so - he started by deceiving you.

AND he is now possibly deceiving his girlfriend.

I wonder how many others he is seducing and waiting til after the fact before he lets you in on a very important detail.

I understand that your intentions were to be honest, but you are a tad too forgiving in this case. He wait until after fucking you before revealing that he has a girlfriend. And now he wants to wait til the time is right to tell her about you. That time might be a long way off. How much you want to bet that he comes up with an excuse when that day passes?

Yeah, like I said: DTMFA !
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 04-17-2012 at 02:34 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 04-17-2012, 08:20 PM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 51
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Messenger View Post
I am a very compassionate person and it bothers me to death that she does not know. But I'm tearing my hair out about what "I" am supposed to do about it from here.
Messenger, I appreciate your honesty and willingness to address this situation head on. Based on what you have posted, what you should do is step all the way out of this relationship, and I don't mean "just be friends," I mean all the way out until 1 of 2 things happens. Either he confirms that he has broken up with his girlfriend or you hear from the girlfriend directly that she is okay with your and his relationship.

This situation is not okay and definately not fair to her, particularly if there is some emergency circumstance. She could be devastated by this and you do not want to be a willing participant in her pain or in the line of fire when that occurs. She would be right to include you in the blame if this continues. You don't want that. I doubt your boyfriend wants that although he's so hung up with NRE, it doesn't appear he is thinking clearly. You need to hear from her, or he needs to start over with everyone having full knowledge and consent.

And keep reading around here! It's great relationship advice, poly or not!

Last edited by PaperGrace; 04-17-2012 at 10:04 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 04-18-2012, 04:44 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,262
Default

Re (from Messenger, Post #19):
Quote:
"I was not aware of him being in a poly relationship with a girlfriend until after we had already been together. I assumed when he said, 'You should meet X,' that he was talking about a friend or FWB."
Yikes, he wasn't even being 100% upfront with you at first! (If he was, he would have said, "X is my girlfriend; I'm in a long-term relationship with her.") I mean, for him to wait on being 100% clear toward you until after he had been with you ... [skin crawling]

That said, it's good that you're aware of her (potential) feelings, and have backed off until he tells her. Definitely get personal confirmation from her if you can.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 04-18-2012, 05:31 PM
Messenger Messenger is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 8
Default

Hello All

Yes, stepping completely away from the situation is exactly what I have done. I will not see or speak with him. Just carrying on with my life as I had before meeting him. I'm bummed out and feel it is such a shame for such a man to be deceptive. Such a damn shame.

I'm watching relationships around me crumble as I speak. Aunt was cheated on by her long term boyfriend (neither are poly), gay roommate breaking up with his man, friends breaking up. ALL due to lack of communication and trust. Such a shame. Imagine how many great lovers there would be if there was no deception!

I'm literally in tears today thinking of what a shame it is that people are deceptive and just cannot be honest.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 04-18-2012, 09:37 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

Sorry you are hurting Have faith, there are people that have relationships with no deception. Lots of 'em, right here. Now that you have a clean slate, maybe you can open up to finding someone that is willing to be as open and honest as you are? Keep at it. Its all out there for you.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 04-20-2012, 03:06 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,262
Default

What redpepper said; don't give up hope yet.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 04-21-2012, 02:50 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 51
Default

Go you for making it happen. I hear you when you say it sucks.

Your brain was awash in all those love chemicals, it's a high, and you cut it off because you did what needed to be done. The rollercoaster ride came to a sudden stop. I'd be emotional and crying, too.

I hope you feel better in a week or so and take heart in being the good guy. Six months from, you'll look back in pride instead of regret. But that doesn't make it suck any less now.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 04-21-2012, 04:16 AM
Messenger Messenger is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 8
Default

Awww Thank you guys so much! I feel a little better. I know I did the right thing. He was pretty persistent (texting) and wanting to see my again, but I held my ground. That was extremely difficult and my body told me I was insane, but my head knew better.

I appreciate you guys a lot now and have been spending a lot of time here, reading and learning. Can't wait to make some new friends!

I'll get to my profile one day and add some stuff, but I'm just too lazy right now

Huge hugs for all the support, advice, encouragement and love
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 04-21-2012, 08:50 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,262
Default

Glad to be here with you.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, cheating, communication, dadt, honesty, metamour concerns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:06 AM.