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Old 04-15-2012, 04:33 AM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Default bonding without the physical

Not necessarily a poly question, but has arisen due to the nature of our poly situation.

Normally at the start of a new relationship I can't keep my hands off the person, and vice versa. I'm used to the first months being nonstop physical affection - not just sex, though including that, but also the hand holding, the kissing, little touches whenever possible.

In my three month old relationship, I'm struggling with bonding more closely on a romantic level since we aren't able to be as physical as I would like due to the fact that very few of our dates are solo. I'm a shy enough person that I struggle with being physically affectionate in front of others, talking sweetly, etc.

Any suggestions for finding other ways to bond/enjoy what should be the insanity of NRE and grow that closeness? I'm pretty sure I just need to find ways that we can have more one-on-one dates -- not just for the physical but for conversing etc (hard to talk about things other than Elmo when you have preschoolers climbing on you). Perhaps find more creative ways to communicate between dates. But I'm far from an expert at dating so I thought I'd see if anyone here has suggestions they can share. Thanks in advance!
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  #2  
Old 04-15-2012, 04:47 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Step One: definitely find a sitter. Dates are for you, not for you to be looking after small children.

Communication between dates--we make time on his drive home from work, plus lots of email and texts and, well, participation on the same boards! I remember getting NRE butterflies when we were first writing back and forth, getting to know each other after we'd met. What are your schedules like? Could you Skype or talk on the phone after the kids are in bed?
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Old 04-15-2012, 07:50 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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since u rr shy to show affection openly, u can try thro' e-mails and then in chats,. Then u might feel fee express urself atleast when u two r alone, then it will be easy for u r to express ur love when even when others r present.
good luck
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Old 04-15-2012, 04:20 PM
Jericka Jericka is offline
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We text amy IM and send each other links to things that we believe the other might like. Neither of us is much into phone calls, but we may eventually do video chats. The daly text contact helps greatly but we still feel it when we can't get together for a week or so.

Definitely find ways to make more dates solo, if you can, though.
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Old 04-15-2012, 10:01 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Just echoing what everyone is saying...emails/IM/texts and phone calls are a good way to reach out in between dates. My boyfriend and I did a lot of emailing in the beginning (he and I don't really like talking on the phone too much, lol).

And I understand how hard it can be to get time alone, we have to juggle our mates and kids to achieve it, but it's important to me. I do think you need that in order to bond and for the relationship to grow. I know that I get very restless if too much time elapses between our alone times. Group dates are fun, but not the same.
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Old 04-16-2012, 04:50 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Is it that you have kids in tow? I missed that somewhere... or are you going on dates with another partner in tow. If so, easy... ask them to bugger off Seriously, what are they coming on dates with you for after three months?!
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Old 04-16-2012, 09:52 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenMom View Post
In my three month old relationship, I'm struggling with bonding more closely on a romantic level since we aren't able to be as physical as I would like due to the fact that very few of our dates are solo.
Very few of your dates are solo? For three months?? Why? To me, that isn't really dating. ???
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-16-2012 at 01:36 PM.
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Old 04-16-2012, 05:17 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Thanks, all. Basically this is reminding me that I already had the "right answer" - improved communication between dates - and pushing for more "solo" dates.

We do generally get "some" alone time, but due to finances and logistics, most of our "dates" are at his home - which means there is a preschooler running around, and his wife is home too. In these cases, I'm going to work on getting better at suggesting we perhaps go to the next room for some quiet alone time.

It used to work out that once a week we'd get together in more of a group setting, and once a week we got together one on one, but changing work schedules have made the one on one days harder to come by. Ah well, few things worth doing are without speedbumps, right?
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Old 04-16-2012, 11:08 PM
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Library, wallks, car ride, local events for free, coffee shops... All free or freeish dates. I am not sure why you are hanging out at home so much. *confused.
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Old 04-17-2012, 02:42 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Library, wallks, car ride, local events for free, coffee shops... All free or freeish dates. I am not sure why you are hanging out at home so much. *confused.
Yes, I was going to suggest a stroll in the park, that could be so romantic. Is this an issue of staying closeted as poly? Or of not feeling like you can ask his wife or someone else to watch the kids?

I wouldn't think that staying at home with his wife and kids walking around as much of a date. How do you ever have private time to talk and get to know each other? Going into the other room, eh... sounds like you're in Junior High going to makeout while doing homework. Is his wife wanting to keep an eye on you two or something?

I am confused, too. It is so puzzling!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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