Poly? Coverup for Cheating?

[redpepper]

Any man that gives me a load of crap about "timing" or that he doesn't want to tell her yet is cheating I think. If he has a DADT then he would of told you by now. Even if he does I would still want to hear it from her. The thing with DADT's is that eventually the partner finds out. When is the time that they DO care about what goes on for their partner. Better to make them aware before sex and connection than after sex and connection in my opinion and experience.

Ya, fess up time I think. He could be really scared she will blow up at him, but that is for him to deal with and figure out if its worth staying in. If you are uncomfortable and he cares about you, then its time to say something.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Messenger

I recently met a poly male... He did mention that he had a girlfriend, and that he wanted me to meet her. They do not live together. This was weeks ago and he still has not told her about me! We had been together 3-4 times until I realized he was not telling her and I have since backed off and told him to tell her the truth.

His reasoning for not telling her right away is confusing to me. He wants to wait until after their trip together. Apparently he thinks timing is wrong.

If he is really poly, what does "timing" have to do with anything?

If they actually have a consensual poly arrangement and everything is out in the open, even if she didn't feel the need to meet his lovers right away, it would be very strange and highly suspect for him not to tell her he met/is chatting with/is fucking someone. He wouldn't have to strategize when to tell her if they are honest with each other! The only time I think this might be truthful would be if they had agreed to be poly and you were his first opportunity, or there was some other life event going on in their relationship, which might mean a lot of talking it over and negotiating boundaries before anything happens - but note I said BEFORE anything happens.

IF you two have been fucking and he still needs to time his confession, that sounds really bogus, and could very likely indicate that he is cheating. Even if she didn't want a face-to-face meeting, there should've been some contact between you and her before any fucking took place.

Something really stinks to high heaven here. I would DTMFA if I were you.

[Messenger]

Thank you so much everyone for your suggestions, support and feedback. To answer some questions posed, yes, this man is new to poly. He insists that everything will work out for everyone. I am "trusting" him to tell her the truth when he feels ready. Only time will tell how this works out? I am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. He realizes he has put me in a very strange position.

I cannot even deny that the NRE can be blinding. I find him simply irresistible. I'm going to start referring to him as "Boston Creme" LOL! Since both are so tempting and impossible to resist!

I have spend hours researching poly, reading posts and books on the topic. It has been fascinating to say the least. I look forward to learning so much more!

Even if it does not work out with Mr. Boston Creme, I feel confident that I have the ability to be honest with any partners I meet and that poly is a lifestyle I can definitely relate with. I really love the idea of loving many and being loved by many! What could be better?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Messenger

I am "trusting" him to tell her the truth when he feels ready... I cannot even deny that the NRE can be blinding.

And how will you know when he has?

You should tell him that you want confirmation directly from her.

AND -- and this is a biggie -- have you put a moratorium on sex until you get that confirmation?

I ask because you didn't respond about that point even though in your OP, you said you backed off. So, I'm really curious how you will handle that aspect. Also, it now sounds like you're trying to be upbeat and cheerful about it, so it makes me wonder if you're turning a blind eye to the red flags we've all pointed out.

Originally Posted by Messenger

I find him simply irresistible.

Who cares how much lust he brings out in you? Hot guys are a dime a dozen. It ain't worth compromising your integrity nor conspiring with him to hurt an unsuspecting woman, whom he supposedly loves.

[WhatHappened]

Originally Posted by Messenger

Only time will tell how this works out? I am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. He realizes he has put me in a very strange position.

Go do some reading on some infidelity forums. Read the thousands of posts by women who didn't know their boyfriend or husband was seeing someone else. You'll get a good idea how things work out and what the wives/girlfriends think of the women sleeping with their husbands/boyfriends.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Messenger

I cannot even deny that the NRE can be blinding. I find him simply irresistible. I'm going to start referring to him as "Boston Creme" LOL! Since both are so tempting and impossible to resist!

It seems NRE is blinding you also. This man is hurting someone dear to him. You haven't mentioned a DADT policy. Does he have one? Do you know anything about the situation with his wife?

Its great you are reading up, but what you have is not poly. Its cheating as far as I can see and that is directly opposite to poly. There is no integrity, no honest and open communication, no consideration for her feelings at all or for her being aware of what is going on. You are going to be in a shit storm. Really... I am flabergasted that you are more concerned about what name to give this guy on here than for her well being. It makes me question if you are able to be poly because you seem to be missing some major points.

Have a look at some of the threads tagged "cheating" and read stories from people who have been in his wife's position. Please, read. It might be what you need for a reality slap up side the face.

[CielDuMatin]

Look, I'm not going to defend the guy automatically, but for those who made blanket statements that "timing" must mean "cheating", I don't agree.

Even if I have a great poly relationship, if something dramatic has happened in my partner's life (death of a family member, lost job or whatever), that would be a horrible, selfish and irresponsible time to introduce the fact that you just met a potential person and that you want to explore a relationship with them.

But it really needs to be something concrete like that, and I wouldn't have any qualms about telling my potential about that. It would also mean, though, that the new relationship would be put on hold from developing any further as well. I don't get the sense that this is what is going on, here, though.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

Look, I'm not going to defend the guy automatically, but for those who made blanket statements that "timing" must mean "cheating", I don't agree.

I would like to point out that I said it is highly suspect but not that it MUST mean cheating. I said that it sounds like he's cheating IF they've already been fucking and he hasn't told her.

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

Even if I have a great poly relationship, if something dramatic has happened in my partner's life (death of a family member, lost job or whatever), that would be a horrible, selfish and irresponsible time to introduce the fact that you just met a potential person and that you want to explore a relationship with them.

I agree and stated something similar. However, it seems that the OP and this man have already gone beyond the point of considering exploring something. She says they have "been together 3-4 times" and that she cannot "help but feel guilty for being with someone whose partner does not yet know about me." I took "Been together" and "being with" him to mean that they have had sex. Maybe I'm wrong. Obviously, we don't have clear details.

[Messenger]

As I stated in my first post, I backed off because I AM concerned that he has not told her and how she will react/feel. Sure, I have an attraction for him, but I am by no means NOT concerned about her. This is why I posted to begin with, to learn more about the agreements, meetings and guidelines when dealing with these issues and because I was bothered by the guilt that I felt for being with him to begin with.

I was not aware of him being in a poly relationship with a girlfriend until after we had already been together. I assumed when he said, "you should meet X" that he was talking about a friend or FWB. I do not like the idea of him waiting to tell her, but as someone else stated, I am not fully aware of what is taking place yet in their lives (they do not live together) and for all we know, she could have just dealt with a death or some other traumatic experience.

He stated he would tell her after their trip and all I can do is hope he tells her the truth at that time (few weeks at most). What else can I do? If I hear from HER that everything is good, then great. Maybe all four of us can get together, who knows. If not, then I don't need to be with anyone that is dishonest and keeps things from a partner that will upset or hurt them.

I am a very compassionate person and it bothers me to death that she does not know. But I'm tearing my hair out about what "I" am supposed to do about it from here. I've backed off. All I can do is learn from whatever happens.

[Messenger]

Yes, by "been together" I do mean we have had sex. I usually don't EVER have sex with someone so soon after meeting, just to be clear. Like I said, the attraction was very high and nothing like anything I had previously experienced with anyone before. There are a lot of firsts in life I am finding out. I have also never had sex with anyone who was in a relationship until this experience. So I feel quite confused and trying to deal with it in the best way possible.