Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-12-2012, 01:03 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,444

Originally Posted by Olivier View Post
Depending where you live, it's pretty common not to mention any partners you already have when you are dating someone for the first time. Only once the relationship becomes established you start setting the terms. In regards to sex: Practice safe sex.
I was assuming condoms already, but I would want to know first what the risks are. I would be upset if someone didn't disclose their other parters (or their STD/STI status if they are aware of a positive one) before we have sex, even though we'd use condoms either way, because if they have other partners I would probably want to make sure it's serious before having sex. I would want to meet their other partners and make sure they're all aware of me and fine with it. It's not just about the health status, it's also about being sure there is no cheating.

Yes, it might be possible to date around in some places, but the existing long-term partners are another story, and the new partners have the right to make sure they're not going to be involved in some drama. Not to mention they might not be willing to date someone if there is no monogamous future with them in the future, as distant as it might be.

In this situation the GF is just getting comfortable with the idea of being open, I think it would also be helpful to her to see that her boyfriend and his other girlfriends are respectful of that. I mean, she's just getting used to opening the relationship, the last thing she needs is knowing that her boyfriend doesn't even mention her until after sex has occurred a few times.

I think it's a matter of respect towards all your partners not to pretend they don't exist, because they deserve to know about one another. Even when dating around, you'd tell the person that you're dating around. I don't know, maybe it's a cultural thing, but the assumption for me has always been that you are single and only dating that one person, unless you tell them "I'm dating around".
In which case they might stop saying no to people, for instance. When I had several partners (although I didn't date any of them, it wasn't that serious) I always told them I had sex with other people. Then I waited to see what they thought. In a lot of cases, they switched from acting like a boyfriend to acting like a friend with benefits. In some, they would tell me they were not interested anymore.
I'm sure they would have felt misled if I had said nothing. I don't think you can assume that anyone you date is a virgin with no other experience, but I've never been in a context when you can expect them to be dating more than one person at a time.

Even if you don't say it on the first date, I would certainly make sure to mention it before any sex is involved. To a lot of people, sex and exclusivity go hand in hand.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2012, 04:59 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Approaching a potential partner is essentially the same, whether you're poly or mono. Dating is pretty much the same for any given approach to relationships.

You are likely to give bad vibes by disclosing other relationships early on whether you're mono and dating more than one person or actively poly. Were you mono and said you were dating other people prior to her deciding she's interested enough to date you, then you might scare her off. Same applies with being poly.

Disclosure also happens with the same sort of schedule. When it's time to discuss the possibility of dating "seriously"--which in mono circles would involve exclusivity--is when these things get negotiated. Sure, some places have the odd approach that if you've dated somebody twice, you're assumed to be exclusive; I find those places actually uncommon, at least here in the US.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2012, 04:41 PM
yul yul is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 38

Thanks soo much for your reponses! So much great material to reflect on. I actually have a date tomorrow with someone I met. I am going alone only for a few hours. I am hoping she will not freak out if the subject ever comes to the table. Thanks!
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:30 AM.