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  #21  
Old 11-25-2009, 07:48 PM
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I am learning that I LOVE IT! there is nothing I love more than pinning my lover down, strapping them down and fucking the shit out of them until climax, mmmmmm mmmmmmm that is getting me going!.
Damn those guys must be lucky!!...oh wait now...I'm one of them...WOOHOOO!!!

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  #22  
Old 11-25-2009, 11:16 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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LR, if you're not already, you may want to join Fetlife. It's a neat site for BDSM and has a great supportive community of discussion boards that deal with poly and kink, D/s dynamics and even more. You might find it helpful and informative as you explore this.

www.fetlife.com
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  #23  
Old 11-26-2009, 12:10 AM
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OK so we've veered off the OP to the real issue? Youre tired of Domming and want to sub for a while?
Hm.

No. They would neither ever fit the definition of "sub" in anyway. I was a single mom (had my daughter at 16) so though I am naturally a sub, I was forced to be in charge. After Maca and I married-he worked out of town a lot and generally "left it all to me" so to speak, so nothing functionally changed in my life except having a more regular sex partner.

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Do you really, or do you just need to delegate more housework to your subs?
No. I don't DO all of the work (housework or otherwise) I am required to THINK of everthing, create and design the "plan" for how things go-and primarily this has been becuase I'm the only adult whose HERE. It's always been me and the kids with no adults available.

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Do they really have it in them to be the Doms after being subs for so long? how would that all play out, do you think?
Not really pertinent-as I said they weren't subs, they weren't HERE. (not yelling-just emphasizing for context.

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The other q related to the OP seems to be, how would you feel if one of your partners collared a slave?
Fucking pissed off-which is how this came up. Maca brought up having another sub.

I just let them know that was what I wanted and needed. I shared about how hard it was to even ADMIT that when everyone in my life see's me as being "so in control" all of the time (because I HAD to be) and I've always been afraid that if I wasn't the "strong and in charge one" that they would see me as a failure.

I was VERY bent about "failing" everyone by getting pregnant as a teen and wanted to prove I wouldn't "screw up" my daughter because of it. For 18 years I always lived my life by the principal of "it's all for her, when she's grown I can be me again."

I really didn't GET how significantly that invaded me to my soul until she turned 18 and all of these things that I'd been holding inside of me started coming up and out. This is one of them.

I haven't even got it all clarified and Maca brings up someone else (not a particular person) and I found myself filled with fury. I mean FILLED. I felt like I shared this whole significant true and major part of me-and he took it as no more significant than a game. I finally let someone IN to my inner soul and they went "oh neat, that might be fun to play with who else has one?"

Fucking PISSED.

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You dont mind if they "play" BDSM games w another lover, but would feel threatened if they wanted a more formal relationship w a sub?
YES. YES. YES. YES.

As someone else said-getting married, saying "I do" was huge for me as I never wanted to get married. In doing so I was giving up SO MUCH and handing it to Maca. But somehow I don't think he grasped that at all. To him it was about being lovers and raising kids, sharing finances. For me it was about giving up control and freedom and independence, which were a BIG BIG deal to me.
But acknowledging my willingness and desire to be sub. Was EVEN MORE than that.....And I just don't know how to word it. But it feels like if he's so readily willing to take on another "formal sub" to use your wording-then it's almost desecrating the significance of my actions.

Does that make ANY more sense?

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Just how capable do they seem of switching?
Being Dom to my sub is easy for them actually. They each do different parts better, but they are both very good at it AND interestingly work well together even when they don't realize they are doing it.
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  #24  
Old 11-26-2009, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
LR, if you're not already, you may want to join Fetlife. It's a neat site for BDSM and has a great supportive community of discussion boards that deal with poly and kink, D/s dynamics and even more. You might find it helpful and informative as you explore this.

www.fetlife.com
I had thought about it-just hadn't done it as I keep finding myself not keeping up with things online. But that may be a good idea Ceoli.
Funny-I was just saying earlier this morning-I know Ceoli has good suggestions-hope she eventually chimes in on this thread.
Thanks.
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  #25  
Old 11-26-2009, 07:27 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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<BLUSH>! Awww...thanks!

Anyway, I do have some other thoughts but have been a bit pre-occupied with life crap at the moment and want to make sure those thoughts are well simmered before I serve them. But honestly, while it certainly seems that there are strong forces shifting things in your life, you are doing a great job of keeping your compass and knowing yourself as you experience them.
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  #26  
Old 11-26-2009, 09:32 AM
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<BLUSH>! Awww...thanks!

Anyway, I do have some other thoughts but have been a bit pre-occupied with life crap at the moment and want to make sure those thoughts are well simmered before I serve them. But honestly, while it certainly seems that there are strong forces shifting things in your life, you are doing a great job of keeping your compass and knowing yourself as you experience them.
Thank you Ceoli.

I hope that your life crap settles too!

I'll keep my eyes out for when you decide to write your well simmered thoughts!

I'll have an update tomorrow-maybe a new thread. Because we made some major progress that was a culmination of the varied topics we were struggling with this weekend.



I didn't doubt we COULD do it-just knew I had to keep myself on task-and sometimes since real life doesn't pause-that can be tough!

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  #27  
Old 11-27-2009, 12:58 AM
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Just to clarify. I dont have any prospects for a GF let alone another sub. In going through a book about defining boundries one of the questions that was asked is " whats your perfect idea of relationships for you?"

I answered " to have a wife and a GF both sub to my dom".I would never claim another sub without acceptance of it wholly from LR. She is my wife first and formost.

D/s is not somthing I require its a desire, an intrest. A loving relationship with LR is a requirement.

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  #28  
Old 11-29-2009, 06:15 AM
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Joreth Joreth is offline
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The following will not work for everyone. It takes an incredible amount of security in oneself and in one's relationship for this method to work and it is just not to everyone's taste. But you asked how we would deal, so I'm answering how I would deal.

Personally, I don't sweat anything my partners do with other partners so long as it doesn't negatively impact my life. In other words, if they don't bring home an STD or a destructive OSO, whatever makes them happy makes me happy.

1) The reason I can do this is because I do not attach my sense of specialness onto actions or activities. My relationship with Tacit or Datan0de is not special because they do X with me. My relationships with Tacit and Datan0de are special because they are with Tacit and Datan0de.

There is nobody else anywhere in the world exactly like me, so Tacit and Datan0de can do the same things with other people and still have a completely unique experience with that person that does not change in anyway their experiences with me.

Sex with them is still special because our relationship is special simply for being a relationship with unique individuals.

BDSM with them is still special because our relationship is special simply for being in a relationship with unique individuals.

They can top someone, dominate someone, sub to someone, use toys on them, take them to the same restaurants, dance with them, watch the same movies with them, anything they do with that person will be a DIFFERENT experience than doing that same activity with me.

2) Because I love them, I want their happiness above any other feeling for them. If they are happy doing something with another person, and that something isn't actively destructive to either of us, then I am happy for them. I take a great deal of pleasure and joy in their happiness. I am absolutely delighted every time Datan0de tells me of his latest wrestling match with his wife, even though resistance play is one of my HUGE kinks (and a serious issue of trust for me) because I know how much he loves and adores his wife, and their continued healthy relationship makes me happy. I love hearing about Tacit's adventures at public play parties even though a lack of a partner to play with in public has been an ongoing issue for me because I know how much he loves what he does and his continued healthy relationships make me happy.

These are separate issues. My interest in resistance play has nothing at all to do with Datan0de having a resistance scene with someone else. That's a totally unique experience with someone who is different from me. My interest in scening in public is not related to Tacit's public scenes. That's a totally unique experience with people who are different from me. It does not reflect upon the specialness of those times when they each scene with me. Having ongoing relationships with other women where these elements that are important to my relationship with the guys are also important elements in their relationships with other women does not reflect or change the fact that they are *still* important elements with me. Back to point #1, their scenes with other women are DIFFERENT than their scenes with me and their relationships with other women are DIFFERENT than their relationships with me, because I am a different person from those other women. The energy is different, the outcome is different, the details are different, and both my guys see us as different, individual, unique women, whom they happen to love.

3) Doing things with other people is an opportunity for my sweeties to learn something new that can be brought back home to me. They could learn a new technique, or they could learn something about themselves and grow as people. This only enhances my relationship with each of them. Why would I possibly want to turn down an opportunity to make my relationship better simply because the catalyst would come from someone other than me?

I recommend reading the following articles:

http://tacit.livejournal.com/148633.html - Some Thoughts On Being Special
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolypiano.html - How To Become A Secure Person
http://tacit.livejournal.com/241568.html - But What If He Compares Me To Somebody Else?
http://tacit.livejournal.com/249011.html - Some Evolving Thoughts On Veto

Last edited by Joreth; 11-29-2009 at 06:26 AM.
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  #29  
Old 11-30-2009, 12:01 AM
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Joreth-
The funny thing is-that's how I am ALL THE TIME. In fact it's something that has driven Maca crazy-because I'm SO much like that he sometimes feels like I don't care about our stuff-because I'm not possessive about him doing/saying/being in any situation with anyone else.

I honestly think-after more time to digest-that my reaction was more due to the fact that our life has been in a huge upheaval these last few weeks and I was needing to "land" so to speak before talking about jumping out of another plane.

Because really-it wouldn't matter what he did/said or with whom-I adore him and I'll never leave.

It's RARE that I have a moment when I just NEED to be taken care of. But right now is one. I'm having a serious medical problem (not new-just flared up again) that is going to require more hospital time, we just came out poly 2 months ago, I finally confessed about my Sub feelings for the first time in my life, he had his "night with someone else" first time in our marriage (arranged by me), my Godkids mom up and took off leaving us to clean up the mess, a friend is in crisis and needs help with her child and is moving in, we startd counseling and he realized he has to do his own counseling for his issues with his mom, another very close young friend "came out" gay and needs some emotional support, etc ALL in the last two months.

I sort of feel like OMG WHY did I say anything??? Because it sort of feels like telling him I was poly started this whole drama. I KNOW that isn't true-but life was pretty calm before I told him and then ALL of the rest of this plus holidays comes out.
WHEW.

Anyway-we agreed that right now we BOTH need some time to just catch our breaths and then we'll talk more and that alone was enough for me to say (to myself) "what do I REALLY care?" and the answer was "really it just doesn't matter".

BUT it also helped A LOT to hear all the feedback because all the questions and confusion helped me to "study" my feelings to the base to figure myself out.
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  #30  
Old 11-30-2009, 03:48 AM
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Oh Man, and me being I think the friend who is in crisis, and being as needy as I have been the last few weeks, it is a wonder that you are still being able to survive with all that going on. Jsut remember you are in my thoughts always
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