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Old 04-15-2012, 01:43 AM
quiet2girl2 quiet2girl2 is offline
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Default how do you balance the time?

Hey everyone, I'm a married with "tween" aged kids, and I've been seeing a guy who also has "tween" aged kids for a few months now.
So my question to everyone who is making this work, is how do you balance time?

I am definitely in a situation where I have a primary relationship (my marriage) and a secondary one. Time spent with my boyfriend has been carefully calculated not to distract from time in my primary relationship.

But it seems like this is getting more and more difficult as the kids (5 total) get busier and busier.

Any suggestions?
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Old 04-15-2012, 02:03 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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It can definitely be a challenge, for sure!

Most poly folk believe that we have an unlimited capacity for love, and you often hear folks talking about love not being a zero-sum game. When this translates into relationships, though, two very limited resources start rearing their ugly heads, time and money.

For this reason, some folks describe themselves as "poly-saturated", in the sense that they have reached the limit of their available time or money or both, and can't with any degree of responsibility have anyone else in their lives.

So, give that challenge, I think that it's important that everyone involved in the relationship realise this. Different aspects of our lives have different time and money needs, and it's really a question of managing them.

One thing that I realised later on as I was learning about poly was that time isn't just about the quantity, but also about the quality. Most people would regard taking a walk on a beach or going out for a nice meal as better quality time than doing the shores together. It can be quite easy to take all the time with your live-in partner doing chores, and then going out and having fun with the non live-in. It's not unreasonable at that point for the live-in to complain that you're not spending enough time with them!

So I'm sorry that I don't have any concrete tips or tricks, because I don't have kids so my situation is quite different. Maybe some of these ramblings can be useful for you, though.
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Old 04-15-2012, 02:33 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I can understand the difficulty of scheduling things. Though one of the things that I appreciate about my boyfriend and Runic Wolf's girlfriend is that they do have kids, so they understand when plans have to be adjusted.

It can also be frustrating. Wendigo has a 15 year old and we have a 10 year old. They are in the same county, so their spring break was the same week. There are two days a week that we socialize with him in a friend setting - we host a weekly game here and then we participate in the same medieval combat sport on Thursday nights. Pretty Lady, Wendigo's wife works from home, so the weeks that the kids have off from school; he needs to be present to keep his son and his nephews out of her hair. This translates to changing our usual pattern of picking him up a few hours before those activities for quality time, to us picking him up right before. This week, my son's school decided to add in 2 half days at the last minute, so instead of us getting 4 hours of alone time while Runic Wolf was at work, we ended up with an hour and then spent the rest of the time working on projects in the workshop and hanging out with my son, who thinks of Wendigo as an uncle.

A couple of months ago, Runic Wolf started dating Loveleigh. She has 4 kids, 3 of whom live with her (12,10, and 3), and their school is in a different county so her kids are on spring break this week. That coupled with husband spending a week in the hospital last week for tests and her sister/ babysitter being hospitalized this week meant that he hasn't had any alone time with her in a couple of weeks. We did manage to go out to dinner with her, her husband, and his girlfriend tonight, but they only had an hour and a half to spare before a birthday party. We're still learning how to schedule time with her because she works nights and we work days. When they initially got together, Runic Wolf was working part time, but now he's working full time. We're still working out a schedule for them to get the time they need. I am committed to making sure they have it after realizing just how important it can be - almost 3 years of getting an hour here and there alone with Wendigo and going without for months at a time taught me that.

Runic Wolf and I have Friday nights kid free. Sometimes we go out to eat, sometimes we curl up on the couch and watch movies, but we also find ways to make the mundane stuff fun; we flirt and hold hands while shopping. And we have the best and sometimes silliest conversations late at night.
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Old 04-15-2012, 03:23 AM
quiet2girl2 quiet2girl2 is offline
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Thanks guys,
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