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  #41  
Old 04-13-2012, 06:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Wow, is she ever giving you mixed messages! Yes, counseling or therapy will probably help. Hopefully you can find someone familiar with alternative lifestyles.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #42  
Old 04-14-2012, 12:06 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Oh boy, what a turnaround.

Here's hoping you guys go to counseling soon, and can get residual issues out on the table.
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  #43  
Old 04-14-2012, 04:15 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Well, it sounds like everything is getting put on the table. As painful as that is, that can be a very good thing if it allows you and your wife to work through some stuff.

I am always amazed at how many people - men, women, genderqueer - who don't mind being 'shared' but can't stand their partner(s) 'sharing' themselves with others. I realize that we can't know what tweaks us until we try it, especially something as outside the norm as poly or open marriage. But this happens over and over here - I'm fine with outside partners and you should be fine with me having outside partners but God Forbid you want outside connections. And it happens in all kinds of configurations. I just don't get it. I understand the fear and dread over possibly losing a partner - but why does that lead so many to 'you can't have any' and the resentments and pain that fosters? This is one of the times human nature just confounds me.

Anyway, Kyle, a thought from my own experience. Beaker and I got back together after our first breakup. I did forgive both of us for our actions and insecurities during our breakup. I said things I so regret that just weren't true although I thought so at the time. I also realized that Beaker did the best she could in that situation at that time. She was trying her hardest. However, I never really trusted her fully again. Deep inside I figured she would leave again. But I never openly faced this in myself and so it just festered. And you know what, she did leave. She left in large part because our connection suffered. Our connection eventually withered because I always reserved part of myself from her and was not willing to deal with that openly. Your wife needs to deal with her lack of trust in you. Maybe you can help with that, maybe not. It might be her deal rather than anything you are doing now. So it is good that she told you this - that's more than I was ever able to do.

Also, counseling is a good idea at this point. Good luck.
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  #44  
Old 04-15-2012, 02:10 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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fwiw, I agree with you Kyle, I don't think you should risk it. You know her, and you know you. What I've seen you write is that she is your first, your most, all that. If she needs to re-build trust in you, you can afford the time (and the whatever else) in order to do that with her. But get to counseling stat!
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  #45  
Old 04-15-2012, 03:16 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
fwiw, I agree with you Kyle, I don't think you should risk it. You know her, and you know you. What I've seen you write is that she is your first, your most, all that. If she needs to re-build trust in you, you can afford the time (and the whatever else) in order to do that with her. But get to counseling stat!
Tuesday is our first session. I just hope that we figure this out and are able to visit the open marriage again. Katie is my wife and I want to be with her forever. I just don't want to sacrifice a portion of myself in the process. I would if I had to, but it would be hard to deal with having let her do as she pleases and not being shown the same courteousy or trust. I think that is what is under my skin right now. I have been understanding and trusting and I just want to be shown the same respect. She told me today that she definitely wants to keep the open marriage, after we fix us. I'm definitely up for that. I want to fix us too!

One of her big goals is to move to California. The reason doesn't matter but from what I understand polyamory is much more accepted out there. She doesn't think we will ever go because I am deeply family oriented and my parents are a huge part of my life but I've always wanted to move away and I see no reason we can't move out there if we plan it properly and don't just move out there blind.
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #46  
Old 04-15-2012, 04:45 AM
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Well, at least you know you guys are on the same page with reference to moving. That's a positive.
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  #47  
Old 04-15-2012, 05:22 AM
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LadyKane LadyKane is offline
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As someone who has dealt with a lot of my own trust issues (stemming from my childhood) around my husband and opening our marriage up, (unwarranted as they were) I think counseling is the perfect answer. For me, when it first came up, I had to put polyamory on pause for about 6 months, while I figured me and my shit out. I knew I wanted the open marriage, and wanted it badly enough to face my own internal demons to try and fix myself and my issues.

Throughout my processing, XIV was ever supportive, and would randomly launch discussions about my feelings, how I was feeling, how I felt about polyamory, how I felt about life and my own processing I was doing. He wasn't pushy about it, but asked just often enough to keep the discussion open. Our communication VASTLY improved in that short time period, and I now feel absolutely solid in our relationship, in a way I didn't realize I was feeling shaky.

I'm sure with time, your wife will be able to process not just her trust issues with you (however valid or invalid they may be. Mine were invalid, turns out lol) and what I'm guessing are overall trust issues in general.

One of the weirdest things I realized through my processing, was that while I was pointing the finger at XIV and saying "I don't trust you", the bigger reality was I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself not to leave, not to break him and I and our relationship, not to break boundaries, not to hurt him before he could hurt me... all very destructive things, obviously. Realizing that and working through them was like an "A-ha" moment for me.

Do I still occasionally have some jealousy? Some. Freak out every once in awhile? Yep. But I'm human, and I over-analyze EVERYTHING. Working through my issues allowed my relationship with my husband to develop to a whole new level. I hope, (and I think it will) do the same for you and your wife. Good luck, and keep on reading. Encourage her to read and research on this forum and other sites as well. A few of the blogs really hit home for me and helped me figure some stuff out. There was one specifically that flipped a light switch in my brain. I'm trying to remember which one it was... if I think of it, I'll respond again and let you know.
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  #48  
Old 04-15-2012, 05:45 AM
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LadyKane LadyKane is offline
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I found it

It is ImaginaryIllusion's blog, "How did I get here & Where am I going?" that had some writing that opened my entire mind about how I was approaching my trust issues with my husband and myself. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. It is awesome.

his blog

Once again, good luck to both of you.
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  #49  
Old 04-15-2012, 01:23 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyKane View Post
As someone who has dealt with a lot of my own trust issues (stemming from my childhood) around my husband and opening our marriage up, (unwarranted as they were) I think counseling is the perfect answer. For me, when it first came up, I had to put polyamory on pause for about 6 months, while I figured me and my shit out. I knew I wanted the open marriage, and wanted it badly enough to face my own internal demons to try and fix myself and my issues.

Throughout my processing, XIV was ever supportive, and would randomly launch discussions about my feelings, how I was feeling, how I felt about polyamory, how I felt about life and my own processing I was doing. He wasn't pushy about it, but asked just often enough to keep the discussion open. Our communication VASTLY improved in that short time period, and I now feel absolutely solid in our relationship, in a way I didn't realize I was feeling shaky.

I'm sure with time, your wife will be able to process not just her trust issues with you (however valid or invalid they may be. Mine were invalid, turns out lol) and what I'm guessing are overall trust issues in general.

One of the weirdest things I realized through my processing, was that while I was pointing the finger at XIV and saying "I don't trust you", the bigger reality was I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself not to leave, not to break him and I and our relationship, not to break boundaries, not to hurt him before he could hurt me... all very destructive things, obviously. Realizing that and working through them was like an "A-ha" moment for me.

Do I still occasionally have some jealousy? Some. Freak out every once in awhile? Yep. But I'm human, and I over-analyze EVERYTHING. Working through my issues allowed my relationship with my husband to develop to a whole new level. I hope, (and I think it will) do the same for you and your wife. Good luck, and keep on reading. Encourage her to read and research on this forum and other sites as well. A few of the blogs really hit home for me and helped me figure some stuff out. There was one specifically that flipped a light switch in my brain. I'm trying to remember which one it was... if I think of it, I'll respond again and let you know.
It's like you're my wife, from the future. Time travel is dangerous! She has some serious trust issues and I have always kind of seen that but I took it personally when I found out it encompassed me as well. Your post reminded me that it's not just me. She doesn't trust anyone. On top of that she's always afraid she's going to hurt me. She hardly ever has the desire to tell me what's bothering her because she's afraid of hurting me or making me angry or anything. The rich part is that because it takes me so long to get her to talk to me I usually am frustrated by the time we talk. I tell her all the time to just tell me instead of leaving me in the dark.

I wish I could get her on here but she doesn't have any interest in it. I've asked her several times and even told her she could read my experiences about the week of LA and this blog but she has no desire to do that. The biggest problem I see us facing is that no counselors in this area seem to accept polyamory. There are several in Chicago but that is too far away.

I bought the love dare and the ethical slut two days ago. The B&N lady looked at me like I was nuts. I'm going to go through the love dare to strengthen our marriage since its been recommended to me by just about everyone I know and Katie saw fireproof and was like "Jesus that movie is us". Once we are Doug better I will show her the ethical slut. She loves books about topics she's interested in and since all of you have recommended it I figure why not. She's reading Dharma Punx right now because she's interested in Buddhism and the guy that wrote it is very "punk" which both her and I relate to.

I just need to be more understanding and take things less personally. I know it's not all me. I know she has family of origin issues. I know her. And yet for some reason I still get mad. Stupid temper. Well, that's one of the things the love dare is supposed to help with!
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old

Last edited by KyleKat; 04-15-2012 at 01:27 PM.
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  #50  
Old 04-18-2012, 12:39 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Default Tuesday - Day of Reckoning

We saw the counselor for the first time today. They are so damn expensive. It was money well spent, though, because it was a very, very good experience and very helpful. I felt very at ease talking to her and so did Katie.

I'm not going to delve into it further because it's personal but suffice to say it is proving to be helpful already.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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