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Old 04-14-2012, 11:50 AM
Tea4three Tea4three is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 11
Default Dishonesty, and can trust be rebuilt?

OK this is not a completely poly orientated question, but I have asked on a hetro/norm forum and the poly element seems to really confuse the issue, so I thought I could do with some input from more open minded types. It's a bit long, so sorry!

I am pregnant with our second child, DS is 20 months. I have been with DH for nearly 3 years, but we were close friends for 8 years before that. He and I have both been in open relationships before, but this one was exclusive at the outset.

In February, the day before Valentines (nice) He told me he wanted a break from our relationship. We have been having issues that mostly revolve around our sex life declining while I was pregnant and looking after a small child. We have had a bad few months, a miscarriage, SS intervention (from a false report), me being bullied at work and antenatal depression. For completeness I should say that he also told me he had considered leaving when I was 36 weeks pg with DS, but sorted himself out and told me he was in it for the long haul. He told me he had cheated on me (oral sex) twice, since I was pregnant.

We had discussed him seeing other women previously, but I realised that I would have difficulty with this, and he had agreed not to. I have been in open relationships before, but this is marriage, and I considered that to be exclusive.

The next day he told me he had thought about it, my reaction (I was devastated) showed I still cared about him, he thought I didn't, he cheated because he was lonely and felt unloved, and I agreed to try and work things out. We agreed to go to Relate, but this never happened as we didn't have childcare.

Shortly afterwards, my best friend who had recently split up with her boyfriend came to stay with us. Both she and I are bisexual, and have a fairly flirtatious relationship, DH encourages this, he is happy for me to have relationships with women separately to our marriage, but I have never acted on it. While she was with us, one thing led to another and she and I began a relationship, with full disclosure and DH's blessing. It was completely unexpected, but actually had a positive impact on me and DH, as I was generally happier having the company and affection from her.

She (and me and DH) has an interest in BDSM, I have always been OK with DH taking part in non-sexual BDSM (like spanking) with other women, and it was proposed that he could do that with BF. I had no issue with this.

Then he came to me and asked how I would feel, hypothetically if things got sexual with her. I was surprisingly OK with this, it was a "sometime in the future, maybe, as part of a BDSM scene" sort of question, and she was about to go away on work for a while, so I felt we had a cooling off period, I also didn't think she was into him like that, and a bit like I had to say yes as he was OK with me sleeping with her. I told him I didn't see it as a huge problem, as long as their relationship wasn't romantic, and they took precautions. I also wanted him to disclose if anything happened, just so I knew, not gory details, just a heads up so I wasn't in the dark. We were actually very settled in this poly type of agreement, I knew he wasn't going to go off with a stranger, and I love them both dearly. We discussed a long term idea of all living together and things were looking good.

So time went by, she went off for her work, then she fell ill. She went abroad for a bit, and was still ill, she stopped talking to me and DH got a bit stressy and short with me. He was generally being an arse and I seriously started reconsidering the idea of working things out with him.

Then he dropped the bomb. The day after he had spoken to me about it, when dropping her back home, he had slept with her. She was pregnant, and planning a termination when she got back to the UK, he was sad, as a father that his child would be aborted, and she was feeling terribly guilty. For several weeks he had lied to me, we even joked about how he wasn't getting sex with her any time soon as she was busy or ill and maybe fate was cockblocking him. But it wasn't. Eventually (days later) he admitted they had sex 3 times, twice when she came and stayed with us to recuperate as she was feeling ill.

I am not bothered that they had sex, I had agreed with that, I am also not bothered that she accidentally fell pregnant, it is really sad to see them going through the angst of it all, but is was an accident. I am really, really bothered about the lying. He had many opportunities to tell me, but he hid the fact that they were having sex, and the pregnancy from me, even when we talked about it. I am also angry at him for putting our health (his, hers, mine and my unborn child) at risk by having unprotected sex without the precautions or tests we had agreed upon.

So last night we sat down and I told him that I was really fed up with the lies, and hiding things from me, I can't keep trying to rebuild the relationship when he keeps breaking my trust. I wanted to hear about the circumstances in which he cheated before, to clear the questions and start with a blank slate and no secrets. Then he tells me that actually he had previously cheated on me 3 times, twice 2 years ago when I was pg with DS, when our relationship was good, and we hadn't discussed any level of openness, before we were married.

I feel completely betrayed, it's like he can't actually tell me the whole truth about anything, when stuff has come out he has drip fed me the details, telling me that is it, then later it comes out that there was something else.

I love him, I want to raise our 2 babies with him, and for everything to be fine again, but is it even possible to rebuild trust after all this?
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cheating, dishonesty, honesty, integrity, lieing

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