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Old 04-13-2012, 05:00 AM
Messenger Messenger is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 8
Question Poly? Coverup for Cheating?

Hello Everyone,

I'm new to this whole topic, but before posting I did my due diligence to understand as much as possible before asking my questions.

My situation: I have a partner or FWB whom I see on a somewhat regular basis and who I am very honest with. We are both free to be with other people. I believe that trust and communication are key in ANY relationship. I am very open to poly relationships and didn't realize there was a name for how I have been feeling. Sure, I don't understand it all or how to deal with some of the issues that may spring up, but I am open to learning as much as possible.

I recently met a poly male (who introduced me to idea of poly) and had an immediate physical and sexual attraction to him. Definitely NRE, seriously, DAMN! Never felt anything like it. He did mention that he had a girlfriend, and that he wanted me to meet her. They do not live together. This was weeks ago and he still has not told her about me! We had been together 3-4 times until I realized he was not telling her and I have since backed off and told him to tell her the truth.

His reasoning for not telling her right away is confusing to me. He wants to wait until after their trip together. Apparently he thinks timing is wrong. However, in my eyes, this all seems wrong. I told my partner everything he wanted to know, discussed anything that bothered him and it made things WONDERFUL for our own relationship. He thought it was hot for me to be with another guy.

I cannot help but feel guilty for being with someone whose partner does not yet know about me and won't know for another few weeks (if I decide to even stick around that long, considering my "red flag" alert is going off now). How horrible for her to not know! Gah!

I also cannot help but feel like this man has decided to become poly in order to rationalize his behavior (which does seem to border on NRE addict and cheater, and not necessarily HONEST, COMMUNICATIVE, poly behavior). Is his partner really poly too? I've only heard his side. Is he not trusting that she can handle it? Is there ever any reason to keep things like this from your partner?

If I cannot trust him to tell her the truth, how can I trust him at all? This sucks when you are HIGHLY attracted to someone. He is intellectually stimulating as well as VERY sexually stimulating.

I feel like I have been honest to both parties (both men know about each other) but it is not fair that he has not been honest.

He says it will all work out for everyone, but I am just not sure. I've probably left out some stuff even though I have read through this a couple of times, so if you have any questions about something I was unclear about, please feel free to ask.

Any suggestions? Wisdom?
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boundaries, cheating, communication, dadt, honesty, metamour concerns

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