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  #121  
Old 04-12-2012, 07:38 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I commend you for your recent honesty and efforts. It must be a huge weight off....having things out in the open and the ability to discuss more openly topic generally skirted in the pass. I bet that feels much better for both of you.

The only problem I see is that the Bf is still in a lose lose position. If he can't cope ...if he has to tap out he's going look weak and feel weak. Being responsible for forcing you to give up something /someone you love and need. A lifestyle that he was ok with and agree to when he signed on. The guilt, shame, the failure from that... and the fear of resentment let alone any actual resent you may feel if he taps out. Gets what he wants yet feels like a loss. Might get sole custody of a vagina but lost the heart and mind that accompanied it.

If he does continue to struggle....never getting use to the idea of sharing his Gf/( future wife) sexually ...never taps out because of the things listed above ....tolerates it because of the box " he" put "himself" into and the pain and resentment slowly eats his soul. Lose again.

Would you like to be married someday....to him or anyone?


PS...I do have the results from the impromptu poll....if anyone wants it.

Last edited by dingedheart; 04-12-2012 at 07:42 PM.
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  #122  
Old 04-12-2012, 10:24 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"The only problem I see is that the Bf is still in a lose lose position"

Um, or, third option -- the work that he and the OP do together, their experimentation, the trust and honesty, etc, actually helps him to become a more fulfilled and secure and less jealous person, which serves him well as a human being while also negating the problem posed by his reaction to the other guy?

I'm not saying that scenario is a guarantee by any means, but there ARE more than two possible outcomes here! Seriously. Why assume it has to be lose-lose??
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  #123  
Old 04-12-2012, 10:30 PM
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I am wondering what the reason is that these two men have not met. I find that often times people get all into the fantasy image they have about others simply because they are not around them. You lover could easily slip into the attitude that he is the top dog that will get the girl in the end if he has not seen his metamour, let alone talked to him. Your bf could easily hold on to his jealousy around the sex you have with your lover and the size of his cock, if he has not seen him, talked to him or had a chance to develop some kind of relationship with him. I am not saying they have to be best buddies, but from what I have known in my own life and through spending years on here and other poly places of chat, the best medicine for jealousy and other fantastical thoughts is spending time together. Often people become way more, well, human and unthreatening when they are around us in real life. Why not invite them out for dinner and just shoot the shit. See how the conversation goes. Its been 2 1/2 years for goodness sake. High time, I think.
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  #124  
Old 04-12-2012, 10:38 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
The only problem I see is that the Bf is still in a lose lose position. If he can't cope ...if he has to tap out he's going look weak and feel weak. Being responsible for forcing you to give up something /someone you love and need. A lifestyle that he was ok with and agree to when he signed on. The guilt, shame, the failure from that... and the fear of resentment let alone any actual resent you may feel if he taps out. Gets what he wants yet feels like a loss. Might get sole custody of a vagina but lost the heart and mind that accompanied it.
Or since he had done some legitimate work on himself trying to be okay with the situation, she would mourn the loss of the relationship with her lover and put in the effort to get over him so she and her boyfriend could move on and have a happy, healthy relationship. Would it be hard? Yes. Would she feel resentment? Probably for a while, but overall I think she very much understands where her boyfriend is coming from and will do what is necessary to make their relationship work.

Quote:
If he does continue to struggle....never getting use to the idea of sharing his Gf/( future wife) sexually ...never taps out because of the things listed above ....tolerates it because of the box " he" put "himself" into and the pain and resentment slowly eats his soul. Lose again.
Or he will continue working on his jealousy issues, they will continue working on the relationship in general, and eventually he will feel secure enough that he will even enjoy the fact that she has someone else!

Your scenario is possible, but not probable based on the information we've been given, I think.

Aurelie - I did have a question... Did you and your boyfriend talk about the possibility of him meeting your lover? If so, was he open to it? I could see it either going really well (the two guys liking each other or at least recognizing that the other is good for you) or really badly (your lover's arrogance showing up, your boyfriend feeling insecure from the beginning and letting it affect his personality, etc). Just curious if you two had thought about further. I remember you mentioning it early on, but I didn't remember much discussion on here stemming from that.
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  #125  
Old 04-13-2012, 04:57 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I commend you for your recent honesty and efforts. It must be a huge weight off....having things out in the open and the ability to discuss more openly topic generally skirted in the pass. I bet that feels much better for both of you. .
Thank you, yes it does feel like we made progress at the weekend, and thatís good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
The only problem I see is that the Bf is still in a lose lose position. If he can't cope ...if he has to tap out he's going look weak and feel weak. Being responsible for forcing you to give up something /someone you love and need. A lifestyle that he was ok with and agree to when he signed on. The guilt, shame, the failure from that... and the fear of resentment let alone any actual resent you may feel if he taps out. Gets what he wants yet feels like a loss. Might get sole custody of a vagina but lost the heart and mind that accompanied it.
I realise that I have painted a picture of my bf being kind and gentle and sensitive, and this is all true. However, just because he is a laid back nice guy, that does not mean that he is in any way weak, he is not, and I donít think that he could ever think of himself that way either. He will not force me to do anything, I am not weak either. It is possible that I will realise that this is causing too much hurt for him (That is not how it is at the moment) and I will WANT to give my lover up for my bfís happiness. I will never resent my boyfriend, I could only resent him if I thought he was being selfish and inconsiderate, he is neither. If the day comes that he asks me to be his, and his alone, I will know itís because our relationship needs it. He is jealous at the moment, not all the time though, he has told me that most of the time he is fine with it, itís only when he thinks of my lover and I having sex that he can get a bit uncomfortable. Things were fine today, we were affectionate towards each other before I went to see my lover and he was very affectionate when I got back, more affectionate than usual even. Why? Itís because what I told him about him not waiting up for me when I see my lover. Even though he said that I was being silly and over dramatic, he knew that I was upset about it, so he made sure that he made me feel better, and he did. He does this because he loves me the same way I love him.
He might get sole custody of my vagina, but he will never lose my heart, mind, or soul. I stress again, our relationship is not in question here. I cannot imagine my life without him, he feels the same and we will now communicate more, to make sure we know how we are doing at all times. We will never allow things to get to the point where our relationship would be at risk. The only thing at risk is my relationship with my lover, I donít want to give him up, his emotions and feelings count as well, he is not just a big dick for me to play with, and throw away, as if what we have shared over the last two and a half years means nothing. It does, it means a lot! Iím not going to pretend I care about him in the same way as my bf, I donít, but there is love there, and itís not easy to throw that away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Would you like to be married someday....to him or anyone?.
My Mother has been married and divorced three times, so that has kind of put me off. Never say never though, and if I do, it will be to my lovely bf
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  #126  
Old 04-13-2012, 05:30 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"The only problem I see is that the Bf is still in a lose lose position"

Um, or, third option -- the work that he and the OP do together, their experimentation, the trust and honesty, etc, actually helps him to become a more fulfilled and secure and less jealous person, which serves him well as a human being while also negating the problem posed by his reaction to the other guy?

I'm not saying that scenario is a guarantee by any means, but there ARE more than two possible outcomes here! Seriously. Why assume it has to be lose-lose??
Yes, I agree with you Annabel, we can work together to make this right for everyone. We have worked together before, I remember when we first got together, I was used to my lover and my bf was so different in bed, very soft and gentle and caring and it did not take long for me to fall in love with him. He would have bad oops moments though, and he would get so embarrassed about it, but I soon stopped that because I would always hug and kiss him and tell him it was o.k. Truth is, I thought it was incredibly sweet, and I told him that, and he would be less conscious about it, and from there, we worked on it together, and still do, and he is able to last much longer now and it's good.

So because we have that trust, he has now asked me to work on something else with him, he wants me to tell him about, and teach him things that I like to do, that we haven't tried. We have made a start on this, and it's going well. He likes it, and we are going to talk more about what we both like from now on.

We have even talked about what he said about being turned on by the thought of me being with my lover. As I said, I would have bet anything on him not feeling this way, I need to stop doing this. That's why we will be talking more.
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  #127  
Old 04-13-2012, 05:47 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am wondering what the reason is that these two men have not met. I find that often times people get all into the fantasy image they have about others simply because they are not around them. You lover could easily slip into the attitude that he is the top dog that will get the girl in the end if he has not seen his metamour, let alone talked to him. Your bf could easily hold on to his jealousy around the sex you have with your lover and the size of his cock, if he has not seen him, talked to him or had a chance to develop some kind of relationship with him. I am not saying they have to be best buddies, but from what I have known in my own life and through spending years on here and other poly places of chat, the best medicine for jealousy and other fantastical thoughts is spending time together. Often people become way more, well, human and unthreatening when they are around us in real life. Why not invite them out for dinner and just shoot the shit. See how the conversation goes. Its been 2 1/2 years for goodness sake. High time, I think.
Well, they have never expressed an interest in meeting each other. My bf has only asked about him a few times, when I say him, I mean his life, job or what he is like. He has recently asked about the sex things, but thats not the same I dont think.

My lover knows more about my bf, but that is because he will ask me how things are with me, and what I've been up to, and because my day to day life
is made up of my bf and little boy they often come up.

Also, what if they dont get on or fight, I dont think that will happen, but if it did that would be the end of my relationship with my lover. My bf has been o.k about me seeing him, but if he met and disliked him that that would be less likely. I remember I had butterflies in my stomach before meeting my lovers wife, it was good though.

I now think the benefits outweigh the risks though, and agree with what you say.

So I'm thinking that if my lover, his wife and I can go out for dinner, there is no reason we cant add another and invite my bf. I would be much more comfortable with her there. If things were awkward at first, I would panic and it might be terrible. If she is there I know she will make it more comfortable.
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  #128  
Old 04-13-2012, 05:50 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Aurelie26 View Post
So I'm thinking that if my lover, his wife and I can go out for dinner, there is no reason we cant add another and invite my bf. I would be much more comfortable with her there. If things were awkward at first, I would panic and it might be terrible. If she is there I know she will make it more comfortable.
I think this is a good idea!!
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  #129  
Old 04-13-2012, 06:30 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Or since he had done some legitimate work on himself trying to be okay with the situation, she would mourn the loss of the relationship with her lover and put in the effort to get over him so she and her boyfriend could move on and have a happy, healthy relationship. Would it be hard? Yes. Would she feel resentment? Probably for a while, but overall I think she very much understands where her boyfriend is coming from and will do what is necessary to make their relationship work.
.
I would be sad if I gave up my lover, I would miss him, and although our relationship consists of mainly sex, that is not all I would miss. I dont have a great time doing things with him (apart from awesome sex and he is not loveable like my bf, I cant pretend that we are all hugs & kisses like I am with my bf, we dont stare into each others eyes and hold each other and tell one another how much we are in love, he could never have a relationship with my son like bf does. He does not know how to express himself in that way, he cant. As I say though, there have been times that I have needed him, and he has never come up short when it came down to it. He has been a huge part of my life for over two years, and his feelings deserve to be thought about in all this. A kiss on the cheek, and a quick...."You know I love you." That doesn't sound like much does it, I know he means it though.

Your right though, I will do what I have to, for my relationship with my bf.

Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Or he will continue working on his jealousy issues, they will continue working on the relationship in general, and eventually he will feel secure enough that he will even enjoy the fact that she has someone else!.
Well, I wanted to raise what he said about me being with my lover "turning him on sometimes." I brought it up with him in a teasing kind of way, he seemed bashful when he said it, so I didn't want to take it to far, but yes he admitted again that SOMETIMES it does. It cant hurt our situation though, might be a good thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Aurelie - I did have a question... Did you and your boyfriend talk about the possibility of him meeting your lover? If so, was he open to it? I could see it either going really well (the two guys liking each other or at least recognizing that the other is good for you) or really badly (your lover's arrogance showing up, your boyfriend feeling insecure from the beginning and letting it affect his personality, etc). Just curious if you two had thought about further. I remember you mentioning it early on, but I didn't remember much discussion on here stemming from that.
No, I haven't asked him yet, I will do though. I dont want to yet, I think we did well at the weekend and I'll leave it a few weeks before asking him. Will they be o.k with it, I think so, cant tell for sure though. I really want my lover to meet my bf, so he can see for himself why I love him so much. My bf can get on with just about anybody, and they do support the same football team, so that's something they have in common My lover does not always mean to be rude, he just can be, he doesn't even realise he has been until you tell him, he has that kind of sense of humour. That's why I want his wife to be there. I like her, she's funny, they are funny together, if it is a bit uncomfortable to start with, it wont be when she gets going, she will break the ice. I will talk to her about it.
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  #130  
Old 04-13-2012, 06:35 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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I think this is a good idea!!
Me too!!

Thanks everyone for your ideas and thoughts. It does really help me, in fact just typing it all out and knowing that at least one person will read it helps a lot.
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