Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 04-09-2012, 11:19 PM
newtoday's Avatar
newtoday newtoday is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 181
Default

I thought they had it figured out, but I was wrong to assume that. It's been a learning curve for each of us. Communication is vital.

Co-Primaries would be nice, wouldn't it? Relieve that sense of competition and as a 'secondary' , that constant feeling of rejection. How could that not set the stage for competition. If each were considered equal, yet celebrated for bringing something different to the relationship, then I think this could work for everyone but I feel that might be asking for too much.

I can feel your pain. And his. I truely can.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 04-10-2012, 04:21 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default

W2BE.....sorry for your pain and loss. I, too, was the one who lost out coming into an established relationship (not a marriage, but they had been living together for one year.) I had stated from the beginning that I did NOT want to be a secondary and would only consider polyamory...for myself...as a co-primary with his other partner. (She and I were not intimately involved....but established a friendship.) He agreed that he didn't want me to be a secondary. Ultimately, when HE got stressed out, he basically told me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, it would be more secondary in nature. He would see me if and when it worked for him and ours was to be a "fun" time together, not stressful with any "demands" on my part. I chose not to be involved with him on those terms. It hurt......bad. I not only lost him, but the friendships I had developed with his partner, her children, and other friends of their family. I could have maintained separate friendships/relationships with the others, but I knew it would mean that I'd see him eventually and hear about him regularly. It was just too painful for me to do that. It honestly hurt to think he could let go of me so easily. I had moved partially to live closer to them (and because I wanted to live in a warmer climate), changed jobs, tried my best to fit into their established life. I tried to figure out what was "fair" and "reasonable" in terms of decisions and compromise. And I'm the one that lost out. It's been over a year since I last saw him. The pain is much, much less, but there's still a sense of loss.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 04-11-2012, 09:31 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default "This is just stupid."

Bookbug you said it so well below. really nailed it. How do you get over someone when there wasnt anything between yourselves that went wrong? I'm trying really really hard because I know if I don't, i'll ruin my life. I have a lot to offer the world and a relationship/s...everyday I'm digging for it, but I have to literally PUSH him out of my head. I hear his voice, feel his touch, look for his guidance and the only thing that makes it better is to remind myself that he is married and neither of them should have tried to make something work with me without working it out with each other first.

Now will they find themselves like your couple I dont know. I dont dare dream or think about any scenario now beyond salvaging what is left of my heart and life and figuring how to navigate without him. I am comforted only by knowing I gave it everything I had for 5 years, and because he ended it so resolutely that I have to trust it was the best for everyone.

I worry about you and your ability to really move on. Have you had other relationships since this one was over? Did he come fix your computer? How did you feel? Are you going to be able to get over him by keeping in such close touch? I guess its noble if so, I just couldnt do it. At least not now while emotions are still so charged.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
In the standard relationship when people break up it is because there are problems between them, good reasons not to be together. I think it's hard to wrap your head around the idea that there are no issues directly between yourselves and yet you still must be apart. I frequently find myself saying, "This is just stupid."

In my own situation, I know my friend was pain, but I do feel some underlying anger at her for agreeing to a permanent triad and then changing her mind, with the added bonus that she was shocked that we were hurt when it was she that "had everything to lose." Nope. I feel like I've lost everything. It might have made it easier if she'd tried to understand how much this hurt both her husband and I.

It's been 6 months now since I left.

As for her marriage, it is forever altered. Yes, he is staying with her. I'd been working under the impression that he was motivated by love and honor. He told me yesterday, that his motivation to stay is almost purely driven by the fact that his kids are flourishing, and it physically hurts him to consider ripping that apart. He does well in his role as husband, trying to keep the lines of communication open and endeavoring to support her, but she is no longer his focus in life. Sadly, I believe in the long run she will find that she has lost more than she realizes.

That said, my friend is going through some changes. Whether this will eventually result in her come to some understanding of the situation, and sympathy for our losses, I don't know. Whether this will enable her to repair the relationship between them, I don't know. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I have to move forward.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
In the standard relationship when people break up it is because there are problems between them, good reasons not to be together. I think it's hard to wrap your head around the idea that there are no issues directly between yourselves and yet you still must be apart. I frequently find myself saying, "This is just stupid."

In my own situation, I know my friend was pain, but I do feel some underlying anger at her for agreeing to a permanent triad and then changing her mind, with the added bonus that she was shocked that we were hurt when it was she that "had everything to lose." Nope. I feel like I've lost everything. It might have made it easier if she'd tried to understand how much this hurt both her husband and I.

It's been 6 months now since I left.

As for her marriage, it is forever altered. Yes, he is staying with her. I'd been working under the impression that he was motivated by love and honor. He told me yesterday, that his motivation to stay is almost purely driven by the fact that his kids are flourishing, and it physically hurts him to consider ripping that apart. He does well in his role as husband, trying to keep the lines of communication open and endeavoring to support her, but she is no longer his focus in life. Sadly, I believe in the long run she will find that she has lost more than she realizes.

That said, my friend is going through some changes. Whether this will eventually result in her come to some understanding of the situation, and sympathy for our losses, I don't know. Whether this will enable her to repair the relationship between them, I don't know. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I have to move forward.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 04-11-2012, 09:39 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default Thanks NT.

Yes Co-primaries I decided would have been the best way to make a triad work. I tried to make her see I could complement, not take away from her life. A friend, confidant, financial burden sharer. She didnt have many friends to talk to. I offered to come see her, take her on a beach vacation, get to know each other more. I really really tried to make it work.

I think to be a successful secondary you really do have to be okay with being second. I would make a guess that the most successful secondaries are people that have multiple relationships where they are the secondary (Ie not exclusive to the couple). He wanted me to be exclusive. She didnt want me as co primary.

Thank you for feeling his pain too. WE like to talk about ourselves but I know this must be very hard for him too. Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
I thought they had it figured out, but I was wrong to assume that. It's been a learning curve for each of us. Communication is vital.

Co-Primaries would be nice, wouldn't it? Relieve that sense of competition and as a 'secondary' , that constant feeling of rejection. How could that not set the stage for competition. If each were considered equal, yet celebrated for bringing something different to the relationship, then I think this could work for everyone but I feel that might be asking for too much.

I can feel your pain. And his. I truely can.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 04-11-2012, 09:46 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default Similar Experience

Dragonfly wow. I didnt know you had this experience. The fact that you actually made a physical location move made it so serious. Did you know before you moved that it was going the way of secondary instead of coprimary? How long was your relationship before you realized he thought of you as secondary instead of your clear position on coprimary?

It doesnt seem fair that you were the one who had to figure out what was "fair" and "reasonable" in terms of decisions and compromise. Shouldnt that have been a team effort? Do you still talk with him? You say "I'm the one that lost out". Do you still feel you lost out? Sounds to me like you did what you needed to do to care of your needs and that "losing out" would be accepting to stay in something that guts you. Hugs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
W2BE.....sorry for your pain and loss. I, too, was the one who lost out coming into an established relationship (not a marriage, but they had been living together for one year.) I had stated from the beginning that I did NOT want to be a secondary and would only consider polyamory...for myself...as a co-primary with his other partner. (She and I were not intimately involved....but established a friendship.) He agreed that he didn't want me to be a secondary. Ultimately, when HE got stressed out, he basically told me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, it would be more secondary in nature. He would see me if and when it worked for him and ours was to be a "fun" time together, not stressful with any "demands" on my part. I chose not to be involved with him on those terms. It hurt......bad. I not only lost him, but the friendships I had developed with his partner, her children, and other friends of their family. I could have maintained separate friendships/relationships with the others, but I knew it would mean that I'd see him eventually and hear about him regularly. It was just too painful for me to do that. It honestly hurt to think he could let go of me so easily. I had moved partially to live closer to them (and because I wanted to live in a warmer climate), changed jobs, tried my best to fit into their established life. I tried to figure out what was "fair" and "reasonable" in terms of decisions and compromise. And I'm the one that lost out. It's been over a year since I last saw him. The pain is much, much less, but there's still a sense of loss.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 04-12-2012, 02:06 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,367
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual View Post
Dragonfly wow. I didnt know you had this experience. The fact that you actually made a physical location move made it so serious. Did you know before you moved...
If you click on a poster's username and go to their profile, then click on "Statistics" you can choose to see all their posts or all the threads they've created. Dragonfly tells her story in the threads she started. She went through a lot of pain and anguish and has lots of wisdom to share from her perspective.

There are lots of other good stories to read and learn from in the Blogs section, too.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 04-12-2012, 05:36 AM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default Thanks NYC

Thanks NYCindie

Just read up. Great perspective on what I may have been in for had I moved to be with my guy. I cant imagine Dragonfly's pain of having moved then had it go south Well I can, but I want to hug her!

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If you click on a poster's username and go to their profile, then click on "Statistics" you can choose to see all their posts or all the threads they've created. Dragonfly tells her story in the threads she started. She went through a lot of pain and anguish and has lots of wisdom to share from her perspective.

There are lots of other good stories to read and learn from in the Blogs section, too.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 04-12-2012, 05:37 AM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default Just read your thread history

HI Dragonfly. Ignore most of my questions from the last post. I just read your threads. Wish I'd seen them sooner. Hugs you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual View Post
Dragonfly wow. I didnt know you had this experience. The fact that you actually made a physical location move made it so serious. Did you know before you moved that it was going the way of secondary instead of coprimary? How long was your relationship before you realized he thought of you as secondary instead of your clear position on coprimary?

It doesnt seem fair that you were the one who had to figure out what was "fair" and "reasonable" in terms of decisions and compromise. Shouldnt that have been a team effort? Do you still talk with him? You say "I'm the one that lost out". Do you still feel you lost out? Sounds to me like you did what you needed to do to care of your needs and that "losing out" would be accepting to stay in something that guts you. Hugs.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 04-12-2012, 02:38 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default

WTBE.....Thank you. I think you were right when you said I didn't "lose out" in terms of my choosing not to "settle" for a relationship that didn't meet my needs. It took a few "tries" to break it off totally, but I have NO regrets that I made that decision.

I don't regret having made the move, either. As I shared, I had been wanting to move to a warmer climate and...while I loved my previous job...it was very stressful. I now work 40 hours a week instead of 50 or 60. Thanks to the feedback and support of others on this site, I worked at being very honest with myself about not making the move ONLY to be near to my guy/couple since our relationship was still quite new. I think had I not made the move and given the relationship a genuine try...I would have had many questions and regrets. At the same time, that's why I continue to come to this site....to offer others any benefit from my experiences ....just as I benefited from others on here with far more experience than myself.

Blessings to all on this Journey....
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 04-13-2012, 04:50 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 747
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual View Post

I worry about you and your ability to really move on. Have you had other relationships since this one was over? Did he come fix your computer? How did you feel? Are you going to be able to get over him by keeping in such close touch? I guess its noble if so, I just couldnt do it. At least not now while emotions are still so charged.
I'll admit my emotions are all over the place on this one, depending on my energy level. It I'm well-rested and up, I cope fine. When I'm worn out, it's a lot more difficult.

Since I left, I've started a new job and have a separate circle of friends. That helps to keep me focused more on the here and now rather than that past. Seeing him in person is still hard ~ for both of us. I get energized when I see him, although there is no longer anything intimate between us except our deep understanding of one another, but find it hard to deal with when it's all over. That said, we are basically okay.

The thing that worries me the most is losing what remains if he cannot cope with me finding a new love. He's made it quite clear that he expects me to act on my own best interests, and truly wants me to be happy, but the one time early on I decided to try dating, (while still living with them - we tried to continue to live together for awhile, in spite of everything) my almost coldly logical guy, freaked out. Surprisingly strong emotional reaction. Feared he would lose me forever. That said, he still had some hope then that his wife would eventually come back around. In any case, because of that event, I now fear that he will withdraw from me further. Yet, his position is clear in regard to our future - we have none, at least until the kids are grown in 8-10 years. And there's no telling what could transpire in that length of time. So while we both express some hope at some point and time we could reunite, the length of time involved makes it impossible to consider realistically.

But to answer your question, no I have not had another relationship in that time. I just wasn't ready (despite my early attempt). But my new job, and the new place I moved into just last weekend are pulling me forward. I'm creeping up on the idea of dating again. I can't stay in this same emotional place forever. (And he'll have to feel whatever he feels. I suspect he won't draw away forever if he does require time away from communicating with me to process.)

My personal goal is to work at not comparing whomever I meet to the man I've lost. It's not fair to that person, and by doing so I might lose out on someone equally wonderful, but in a different way. So that's what I'm working on in my head. As we all know, people are not interchangeable; I cannot replace what I lost. But still someone new may enrich me in different ways. (Well, it sounds good on paper. :-) )
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
break-ups, primary, primary/secondary, triad, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:26 PM.