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  #101  
Old 04-09-2012, 06:31 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Brid,

I didn't call him a babysitter. I was describing the service provided. And I think that his effort and commitment are higher than most in his age group....actually a compliment. I'll do a quick poll of young men and you do the same and see what's more typical.

My point is if this bothers him enough to ask he should know the truth as unpleasant as it might be for him to hear....so he can decide how he wants to precede. As you said your husband had to hear the same thing and is fine.
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  #102  
Old 04-09-2012, 06:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I didn't call him a babysitter. I was describing the service provided.
Just curious - would you call it "babysitting" and a "service provided" when the mother stays home with the kid?
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  #103  
Old 04-09-2012, 07:15 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Nycindie ,
You love semantic arguments.....you're not going to back me up on this.


Child age is the factor on babysitting vs kid watching. I've used both in reference to myself when someone has called and asked if I wanted to go do something on a Saturday and I was charged with said care. So .....I got a call to play a round of golf and then I call the 14 yr old girl down the street to do what ? And she earns money doing this service which is called what? And she refers to this service when talking to friends and family and potential clients as what?

No one can or should second guess the bf's motivation for anything he's doing...only he knows.
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  #104  
Old 04-09-2012, 07:19 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Just curious - would you call it "babysitting" and a "service provided" when the mother stays home with the kid?
If my opinion matters in this battle of semantics, I only call it babysitting when I get paid for it. If I volunteer or if I do it as an act of love, it is just taking care of a kid that I care about.

This from a woman who has spent the last 12 years of her life earning most of her money by providing childcare. lol
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  #105  
Old 04-11-2012, 12:46 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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So, over the weekend my Bf and I have had a few frank and honest chats about our relationship, and my relationship with my lover. We promised that we would be honest with each other during these discussions, and we have been. It's been tough.

I knew this wasn't going to be easy, and it has not been. There have been some tears from the both of us, but I'm glad to say that there has also been lots of hugs as well. We have not argued, and he didn't storm out. We have been able to talk it through. It has been very hard for me to be honest with him about some of the stuff he has asked me, but I think I have done o.k.....He has told me that he does not want me to feel I have to give my lover up, although he did say that he can't promise that he will always feel this way. We are going to work on his jealousy problems together. There is a lot of stuff just to put into one post, but I will try. Dont know where to
start though.

Well first off, I knew that my bf was hurt by my lover & I going away for a weekend together. I had no idea just how hard he took this though. He has told me that while I was away, he gave serious thought to ending our relationship when I got back. He says that it was the first time he had asked me not to do something with my lover, the first time he felt very uncomfortable with what was happening, and even though he made this clear, I went anyways. He says that I just dismissed him, and his thoughts and his feelings and put my lover before him, us, and our family. He said that this hurt him a lot, and that it still upsets him even now, and he is still angry about it.

I have told him how sorry I am, and have promised him that I will never do this again, and that if anything comes up that is important for us as a couple, or as a family, I will put this first, even if it is on one of the nights that I put aside for my lover. We have set this as a boundary.

He has told me that I need to respect his desire to be faithful to me. He has told me that he loves me very much, more than he thought was ever possible for him to love anyone. He says that he respects the fact that I told him from the start of my need to be with someone else as well as him. It is however something that he himself cannot, or has no desire to do. It annoys him that I have continually tried to persuade him to do other wise. I then
annoyed him further by suggesting that we might try to find him a similar relationship to the one I have with my lover. He was angry, and told me that he only wants to love me, that he only wants sex with me and nobody else. He says I'm to stop with the constant innuendos about other woman. He then informed me that he had only been with two woman in the year we have been together. He says he tried to have an open relationship, but knew after the first two attempts that it wasn't for him. He found it uncomfortable and embarrassing on both occasions. I'm ashamed of myself that I put him into a situation where he felt he had to lie to me, all the time I thought he was on dates, he was out with his friends. This is another boundary we have set. I have to except that he is mono in our relationship.

He says that he wants us to be together long term, I told him I want the same, but he finds it difficult to look to the future the way we are. He wants us to give Max a brother or sister, he says that this means a lot to him. He thinks that this is not possible the way we are at the moment, and that if I was to fall pregnant in our current situation, it would be the end of our relationship right there. I assured him that I am very, very careful and that I to want to have another child at some point, and that the only person I want a child with, is him. I'm not ready yet though, and I told him this. I've promised him that we will try at some point in the future, and that we will do what we have to do to make sure that there is no chance of anyone but him being the father. I told him that I cant imagine anyone else as the father to a child of mine, and that includes Max. I've told him that he is Max's dad, as far as both Max, and I am concerned, and that I love him so much for making Max & I so happy.

I asked him how he really feels about my relationship with my lover?

He says that he believes me when I tell him that I love him more, and that he is more important to me than my lover, he says that he feels, and knows we have something special, and that he knows I feel the same way. That is why he is able to cope with my relationship with my lover. He says he trusts me.

He has admitted that he has been feeling very jealous of late, and that is why he has been moody. He says that the jealousy is centred around sex, that he doesn't like to think of my lover and I together, but he finds it hard not to. He says that sometimes he is fine with it, other times it makes him mad, and he has even admitted that there are times that it turns him on. (This amazed me)

He thinks that I behave and treat my relationship with my lover like it's no big deal, that annoys him because he thinks it's a massive deal, and it irritates and hurts him when he tries to talk about it and I ignore him, and in his words..... "Treat him like a child." I told him I would try not to do this in future.

He said I was being silly about him not staying up, and crazy thinking that he was pretending to be asleep, and even crazier to think he was using Max as a barrier between us. He said that it's purely because of the routine him and Max have got into, and also because I've started coming home later. So we have agreed that I'm to be in by 23.30. This is another boundary we have set. He says that he will give me all the hugs and kisses that I need if I do.

Last edited by Aurelie26; 04-11-2012 at 01:12 AM.
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  #106  
Old 04-11-2012, 01:08 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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As I said, he told me his jealousy is centred around the sex that my lover and I have. It was very difficult to speak about this and it was upsetting to both him and I. I did my best to tell him that I enjoy them both sexually, and that they were both very different. That he was tender, loving, gentle and considerate and that my lover was the opposite and that is why I needed them both. I told him that he himself knows how much we both love what we do in bed together, and I asked him if he thought I was faking that? He said no!

I thought that he might leave it at that, but he wouldn't. He wanted details, I tried to side step this, but he was having none of it and was upset by this point. He wanted to know if my lover has a big dick, if he lasts longer, If he makes me orgasm more? etc etc. I think our problems of late really have been about his own personal perceived shortcomings, and me going away for that w/end.

I told him the truth, it was very upsetting and I did it as gently as I could and kept details to a minimum as much as I could. I also told him that nobody has ever made me feel as special and loved as he does when I'm having sex with him, and that is true. I told him that my lover has never given me this, and that he never will. I asked him if he feels this same connection with me when we are making love? He said that he did, and always has. I told him what I feel for him sexually is very special to me and I could never be without that feeling.

It was so hard, and all along I have dreaded this, and hoped it wouldn't happen, but it has. I could not lie to him, and I could no longer brush it aside, and there is no way I could tell him it wasn't his business. As difficult and upsetting as it was, we still ended up hugging. I love him so much. I'm happy we talked about it now, and it's behind us. Hopefully.

We have spoken about this more, now that we aren't so upset. My bf has told me that he wants me to give him the chance to do more of the stuff that I like, not the BDSM stuff, but other things. He has told me that although we have tried stuff in the past, he always felt that I wasn't enjoying it, or encouraging him enough, and that made him feel that he wasn't doing it right, and this made him nervous and embarrassed. This hurt me as I have always felt that I was the very opposite, and that I always welcomed & went out of my way to encourage him to try new things. I guess I need to try harder. He has asked me to show and teach him how to do more stuff, and I have said that I would.

We have tried a few things already, and it's worked well. What we did the other night felt so erotic to me, not because I haven't done this thing before, because I have. It was because HE was doing it to me, and I would never have thought that he would have wanted to, I told him how and what to do, and he did it, and he said that he really enjoyed it. I did as well.

What we both know is that we love each other very much. If my bf had any doubts about the fact that I love him more than my lover, I dont think he has them now. I have once again told him that if at anytime it upsets him to much, or if he feels our relationship cannot go on as it is, I will break up with my lover. I feel that isn't fair on my lover, but it's the way it is.

That time hasn't come yet, and I had a date with my lover tonight. We had an awesome time, as usual. I got home on time, and my bf and I had cuddle time.

Now I want the two of them to meet, as I think this will help us. I'll leave it a few weeks before I suggest this to them both.

If we can work on my bf's jealousy, I think that we will be o.k, at least for now anyway. I hope so, because I have never felt so happy. It's gone one a.m here, and I'm to excited to sleep.

Last edited by Aurelie26; 04-11-2012 at 01:13 AM.
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  #107  
Old 04-11-2012, 01:35 AM
Mudita Mudita is offline
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Sounds like a grueling but worthwhile weekend. Huge respect for facing this and being so caring and honest with your bf.

Couple of observations from inside the male jealous brain.

- This will be very hard for him to deal with. Dealing with issues like this is not something we get any instruction in unless one has particularly self-aware parents. It's like giving a complex maths problem to somebody who never studied maths at school. Some people will eventually work it out by themselves. Many will not or it will happen too late. Help him find a way to work it out.
i.e.
- might be a good to start with this and work throught it with him - http://www.xeromag.com/practicaljealousy.pdf
- therapy
- meditation
- maybe none of the above works for your bf but try and find a way.


If he doesn't work through it the danger is he will find a way to deal with it that still causes him plenty of pain but not enough to leave you.

Think of it like a stone in your shoe. If it's too sore you just can't ignore it anymore and you have to stop. But it can be not that sore and still cause you enough pain to be forced to limp along.

Help him find a way to take the stone out of his shoe and it will be one of the most wonderful things you can do for him.


But ultimately you can only do so much - he's got to want to.

Last edited by Mudita; 04-11-2012 at 02:59 AM.
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  #108  
Old 04-11-2012, 01:45 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Aurelie, I am so happy for you.

Honest communication + love + compassion works wonders!

That being said, it doesn't mean he won't ever feel insecure again, or that no one will make mistakes, but you've taken huge steps toward working things out and deepening your relationship. It's great that he wants you to teach him things to do with you sexually that he's never tried before. I think that, as long as you treat that as something of a loving adventure, it will make things between you 1000 times even more wonderful! I agree that you should wait a bit before introducing the two of them to each other - even a few months, if need be. I would wait for your boyfriend to settle into this newer, more secure place with you, and for his confidence level to rise, before adding another element that might throw him off.

Good job, hon.
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  #109  
Old 04-11-2012, 01:45 AM
Mudita Mudita is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurelie26 View Post
he has even admitted that there are times that it turns him on. (This amazed me)
I struggled with this for years. I'll tell you my experience but of course YMMV.

There was a number of emotions at play.
- Jealousy: my lover would leave me for him
- Ego: I wanted to be able to make my lover feel this way.
- Envy: I wanted her to be doing this with me.
- Arousal: for me seeing a woman highly aroused is perhaps my greatest pleasure in sex. The idea of my lover being intensely aroused turned me on.

The problem is it's difficult to separate these emotions and so you end up feeling like crap and yet being very turned on at the same time.
This is very confusing.

Address these feelings individually and you may just be left with him being turned on if you're lucky.

To do this he needs to examine his emotions in a fairly fine grained way which is where it will help if he has some sort of process to do this as per my previous post.

That he's able to admit it, to himself and to you, seems like a very promising sign.

Last edited by Mudita; 04-11-2012 at 02:20 AM.
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  #110  
Old 04-11-2012, 01:57 AM
Mudita Mudita is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
you've taken huge steps toward working things out
Not sure about this.
Sounds like a good first step but unless there's a concerted effort to get to the bottom of why he feels like this it's just kicking the can down the road.

Last edited by Mudita; 04-11-2012 at 03:05 AM.
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