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  #11  
Old 04-10-2012, 02:28 AM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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Hate to break if to you two, your both.

To some your only a novelty. And those are the fuck-n-flingers, you'll know them easily enough 'cause after they've had a ride they dissapear.

To some your exotic; they'll ask questions, they mght not get into the situation but they will giggle while they try an measure how things operate.

It's not a question of how you want to be Precived, it's a matter of how the individual choose to presieve you both.
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  #12  
Old 04-10-2012, 02:43 AM
lovingcouple209 lovingcouple209 is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I see couples ALL THE TIME looking for a woman that wants to date both. How would you classify yourselves as different from those other couples?
Well we know couples look for woman all the time, we know that. We are not saying we are different from them but people sure do treat us unfairly when all women we encounter have sex on their mind. And besides, every couple who looks for a woman would like to think of themselves as unique or exotic. Unless your clearly just looking for a ride, then your a novelty.
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  #13  
Old 04-10-2012, 02:51 AM
lovingcouple209 lovingcouple209 is offline
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Originally Posted by Alleycat View Post
Hate to break if to you two, your both.

To some your only a novelty. And those are the fuck-n-flingers, you'll know them easily enough 'cause after they've had a ride they dissapear.

To some your exotic; they'll ask questions, they mght not get into the situation but they will giggle while they try an measure how things operate.

It's not a question of how you want to be Precived, it's a matter of how the individual choose to presieve you both.
We know Alleycat. That's pretty much how the world is. We like to see ourselves as Unique or Exotic but we know other people are the ones who will see us differently. And believe you us, we can definitely spot the fuck-n-flingers types. We know who we are and if all we encounter are the novelty women then that's not our fault. That's not even the question, we know the individual is the one who perceives us and if they perceive us as a novelty then they are not the ones for us, clearly.
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  #14  
Old 04-10-2012, 02:52 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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You just said you'd classify yourself as exotic, so I was curious why.

People treat all kinds of other people unfairly - whether you're single or a couple. Like others said it's part of dating and life in general. It sucks, but it's true.
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  #15  
Old 04-10-2012, 02:58 AM
lovingcouple209 lovingcouple209 is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
You just said you'd classify yourself as exotic, so I was curious why.

People treat all kinds of other people unfairly - whether you're single or a couple. Like others said it's part of dating and life in general. It sucks, but it's true.
Exotic meaning we want more than just a novelty or quickie 3sum. Which is why we see ourselves as Polyamorous. We love connection and have tons of love and care to give to a woman who is more than happy to give and receive to a couple as well. We feel that anyone who is Polyamorous sees themselves as Exotic too. We know the dating world sucks big time and we are simply just venting about that. It's just hard trying to find someone to complete our Triad in this world
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  #16  
Old 04-10-2012, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by lovingcouple209 View Post
Exotic meaning we want more than just a novelty or quickie 3sum. Which is why we see ourselves as Polyamorous. We love connection and have tons of love and care to give to a woman who is more than happy to give and receive to a couple as well. We feel that anyone who is Polyamorous sees themselves as Exotic too.
I can't speak for everyone, but I'm mostly a really boring, not-exotic, vanilla mouse. It was a circumstance that led me to being in love with my two favorite men in the world, and they were gracious enough to consent to a vee. There's nothing special about my life, it's really, really ordinary. And challenged by my genetic condition. But I'm happy, I have good friends and good times. Not exotic. Nothing to invite anyone into.


My hallucination is that perhaps you have met some experienced poly women, and when they realize your lack of experience, and your eagerness, they 'fall asleep' or find an excuse to let you down easy, rather than saying 'you are scary unicorn hunters and I wouldn't touch you with a 10.5' pole.'

If I'm in a relationship with people, I owe them honesty. If I'm meeting&greeting, or even dating to determine if I want a relationship with people, I don't owe them anything until I decide if I actually want to be in relationship with them. So if it looks like a real discussion would be difficult, why would I invest in people I've decided I don't want invest in? I would make up an excuse.

So yah, it could be that you're wonderful and unicorns are rare; or it could be that unicorns available find something distasteful about you. We can't possibly know that from this discussion (so far).

I think the suggestion to date separately might give you some poly experience (and 'street cred' as it were). To say that you're ready is one thing, but for an experienced unicorn to know that you have not yet had the opportunity to really experience jealousy, or compersion for that matter, perhaps they're not willing to risk that. If you date a little separately, and find out how that feels, you have something different to bring to the table.

Just some thoughts, I have little experience (but have spent a lifetime imagining that one man and one woman and me would be an awesome relationship to be in). And what I know from reading the fine folks here at polyamory.com.
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  #17  
Old 04-10-2012, 04:45 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I don't think anybody mentioned this specifically yet, which surprised me, as I often see it mentioned on threads about adding another partner to an existing couple.

"we decided we want to share our relationship with another woman"

I don't know if you think about how that comes across, or if you are projecting that attitude to women you are meeting. I understand you don't want to date separately, but this is the main sort of sentiment that will keep you from finding what you seek. It may be a reason you are attracting the sort of people you are. ALSO, I will just point out that you talk about making a solid connection with somebody after a week or two...it takes longer to make a solid connection, and I hope you've figured that out after the experiences you talk about.

You don't share relationships, it's not an umbrella or a bottle of wine. I hope you've read on the forums (I imagine redpepper would jump in with something like "search for tags with triad, polyfidelity, etc") Read a lot about how its three different relationships. You might even be more likely to build a successful triad if you are willing to date on your own, just women, or to just build friendships independently at first.

It really struck out in the initial post how many "we this" "we that" statements there are. I do strongly urge you to think about if you're coming off as either co-dependent, or giving off a vibe that just screams "we come first!". I'd date both people in a couple if I was interested in both of them, but I'd never date a "we".
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  #18  
Old 04-10-2012, 06:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
It really struck out in the initial post how many "we this" "we that" statements there are. I do strongly urge you to think about if you're coming off as either co-dependent, or giving off a vibe that just screams "we come first!". I'd date both people in a couple if I was interested in both of them, but I'd never date a "we".
I just have to second that. I stumbled over this threat and while reading it the we-red-light went on big time. Searching for a woman who would love to receive from and give love to a couple ... I would run. Give love to each of you, yes, build a relationship with each of you, double yes. But this we + her is just scary and seems to be a dead end, not worth trying to invest in anything as the outcome seems to be so clear.

Still wishing you luck, maybe the impression was just wrong. But maybe that is the impression the others got as well.
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  #19  
Old 04-10-2012, 05:23 PM
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I have to agree with the above couple of posts. So far you list what is wrong with all these single women and that's why things don't work out. Poor you, you keep running into these wrong women! Well if you DO meet a woman who could be 'right' you may be scaring them off.

It's daunting the dating scene. The idea that you will develop a relationship with someone, fall in love that you will both feel the same way. You are asking for someone to fall for BOTH of you. The way you speak I'd not even consider dating either of you because it's already unbalanced. It's you two, and then a third woman. Now you might even SAY, "But we will want you to be an equal part of this relationship!" but how can they believe that when it's not that you are two people looking for someone you both could get to know and care about and could maybe care about both of you and equally. Even without going out on one date, it's set up that there's an imbalance. A you two, and a them. Who wants to 'join' a relationship? Especially when if anything goes wrong it's going to be their fault!? You have already made it clear it's this individual woman and not either of you. Not that one or both of you haven't gotten to know them well, or one of you likes them more than the other or has connected to her more than the other. It's always the woman. Not an ideal situation. Neither a novelty or exotic.
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  #20  
Old 04-10-2012, 06:59 PM
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I hate to say it but unicorns are a dime a dozen. There is nothing exotic about it at all I don't think. The notion of finding a woman to share is really scary for those you pursue from what I have known. They like the idea at first but end up feeling like a third wheel. The triads I have known to work have worked because they aren't trying to find their woman. It happens naturally and out of friendship first. I would agree with NYCindie. Date separately and find friendships first. If you are fortunate to find someone I would be careful not to have expectations that they love both of you and if they do, I wouldn't be expecting them to love you both evenly.

Have you looked the numerous threads here on this topic? Try doing a search in the tags for "unicorns" "unicorn" "triads" etc. You will soon see that you are not alone and maybe get some different strategies that will help you find ways to get through this.
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