Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 04-09-2012, 08:16 PM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

I can not say if i am a priority or not to them, i feel as if i am because if i was not they would not spend the time with me to try and fix our issue that we are having. It could be just as easy for them to wipe there hands cleaned and say i am done and move on with their lives..... I am a creature of consistency and it bothers me when i do not get it....


By the way.... if one of the partners would have came and said hey i can't do XYZ cause of this i am always open to suggestions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Unfortunately, for some of us, this the fact that there is "no reason" that we shouldn't be able to keep a clean house never ever translates into a clean house. We are lazy slobs when it comes to housework. I was hoping that moving into a smaller, easier to clean house and getting rid of roughly half of our stuff would magically make us neater people...nope. Adding a third person, who has practically NO stuff, and is home all day...nope.

Apparently NOT ONE of us is capable of making cleaning any sort of priority

This may be one of those "Love Languages" situations (many people on this site have read the book and gained insight from it). Your "love language" may be "acts of service" - if theirs is not then they might not see that by not making the cleaning tasks that you have asked for a priority then it may seem to you that they are not making YOU a priority.

3 weeks ago I specifically asked MrS to clean the bathroom and Dude to clean the kitchen. I wrote it on a whiteboard and propped it between their desks. Whiteboard still there. Bath and kitchen still not cleaned. Oh well, it was worth a try.

JaneQ

PS. MY excuse? I work 70 hours a week outside of the house...lame, I know
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-09-2012, 08:19 PM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

You are right, i can not control my partners... and i never want too, they are their own person and i expect them to stay that way.

As for doing what i did that day, it was so we could spend more time together once he got home and no one would have to worry about it. I rank them higher than myself, by my choice.

We are only as strong as our weakest link....


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunny View Post
So, are your partners reading this thread? Why are you poly-fi? Why don't they come to your house, especially if you're allergic to their cats?

I have some paradigm shifts that I made that have helped in my relationships and might help you.

1) I can only control myself. I can not control my partner, so I don't try. I can only control my reaction.

The vibe I'm getting is that your partner is (subconsciously) rebeling against your perceived attempts to control by acting rebeliously. By ignoring your need to be allergen free and by putting up dating profiles he might be reassurting his autonomy. Perhaps his parents were controlling which leads him to react instinctively to rebel.

So try saying something like this: "I have a need to be free of cat hair. When my allergies act up I feel disregarded. What solution can you think of for this problem?" You don't need that particular person to clean. Maybe the solution is someone else does it, or you hang out someplace else.

2). My partner can't read my mind and assumptions are trouble. I need to communicate what I'm feeling timely, calmly and in a way they can understand.

I find that emails and texting lead to misunderstandings.

3). Don't play the martyr. If I want to do something out of a sense of giving, expecting nothing in return, than great. But if I do something feeling self sacrificing and expecting something in return, it will create resentment. And I don't want anyone else to sacrifice for me because I don't want to be resented.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-09-2012, 08:31 PM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

The living situation is complicated one that has been agreed upon from the beginning, we all know where we stand there. Have there been times when i feel like it is 2 +1, yes... But i have to say they are both wonderful and do everything that they can to make sure i understand everything and make it that we are all equal. They have 15+ years of history that i do not share with them and at any time i don't understand or question something, no questions are off limits. They will share why, what, when and how.

As for boundaries, we have one set up and its called issuing a stop. Whenever something is heated, not ready to discuss, off limits for the time being, anyone of the three of us can issue a stop, the action/conversation stops until everyone can think about what needs to be said and then we arrange at a later date to finish the discussion.

Things have sadly been done and said on all parties in the last 48 hours that have caused many hurt feelings and questioning. I know there were comments i made last night as we were chatting online / texting that hurt them very badly and now that i think back on it, wish i never said them. But it happens and we must grow from there.

As for accepting to much bullshit, yes there is some limited of that coming from one of the partners, who is working on getting better. I give him a lot of credit for admitting his fault and trying to make this all work. Even after his little error and still could not live without him. (However he knows he went right up to the line in the sand, if he would have crossed it, that would be a different story)

One thing is for sure, loving one man is hard, loving two men is like trying to find out the meaning of life. I will never stop trying and i will always keep learning as we go forward.

Yes i know they are both reading this, and i want them to both know i know its had for you to love me right now and its hard for me to love you, but i still love you, more than i can explain and i still want and desire to move forward.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You've only been together a short time, so I hope you are not planning on moving in before you've been with them for at least a year. They do sound like they are viewing this situation as a Couple Plus One rather than 1+1+1 all with equal say and responsibility. There are certainly issues here that need some light shone on them, and some negotiations. When you ask for boundaries or make agreements, it is important that people know there are consequences for crossing them or not living up to them.

You really have begun to set a dangerous precedent for yourself in terms of tolerating too much bullshit and it will continue unless you stand up for yourself and say, "No more." I also wonder why they can't stay at your place. Another reason why they seem very couplecentric and mostly invested in the dyad than in the triad.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 04-09-2012, 09:18 PM
Bunny Bunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 20
Default

You rank their needs higher than your own. Why? Is this creating resentment? Is this the philosophy they take? When they do something that hurts you what do you think the motivation behind that is? Ignorance, laziness, spitefulness? Is it a personal problem or a lack of love, caring, or is it just hatefulness?
__________________
Bunny: Mid-20's, bi-sexual, female, 2 partners
Badger: Mid-20's, straight, male, 1 partner
Turtle: Early 30's, straight, male, 1 partner
Bunny & Badger: living together for 4 years
Bunny & Turtle: regular dating a few months
Badger & Turtle: no contact
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 04-09-2012, 09:20 PM
lovingcouple209 lovingcouple209 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Escalon, California
Posts: 10
Default

We agree with nycindie that there needs to be a discussion on how you are feeling towards them, and what they are feeling about you. It is not what you signed up for when they treat you that way. You are being treated as a third wheel and not an equal member of your triad relationship.

Discuss your needs as soon as possible; always communicate.

We hope all goes well for you!
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 04-09-2012, 09:30 PM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunny View Post
You rank their needs higher than your own. Why? Is this creating resentment? Is this the philosophy they take? When they do something that hurts you what do you think the motivation behind that is? Ignorance, laziness, spitefulness? Is it a personal problem or a lack of love, caring, or is it just hatefulness?
I have always had the belief that when you are with someone their needs come before mine. This is my choice and my choice alone. They have never asked me to rank them higher than myself nor would they.

I do not believe for a second that either one of them would hurt me out of spite, they are not that type. They are both loving, caring and forgiving men. I can chalk up part of the taking care of the daily chores to possible laziness (for the one partner) and or not having enough time, at times. But as i have said, if there is a time crunch please share and i will do what i can the next time i am there to help out!

I would never say that anything is done out of hatefulness either, they have both made changes to their world to accommodate me the best that they can. I will admit that i do have high standards, but those were shared when i this all started.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 04-09-2012, 09:38 PM
Bunny Bunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 20
Default

I understand that it's your choice, but why? Is it working out as an effective strategy? If you put yourself first how do you think that would change things.

It doesn't matter what was known before getting together. All that matters is if everyone is happy, and if not it needs to be renegotiated.

If you know they don't mean to hurt you does that make it less painful?
__________________
Bunny: Mid-20's, bi-sexual, female, 2 partners
Badger: Mid-20's, straight, male, 1 partner
Turtle: Early 30's, straight, male, 1 partner
Bunny & Badger: living together for 4 years
Bunny & Turtle: regular dating a few months
Badger & Turtle: no contact
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 04-09-2012, 11:09 PM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

Yes it makes it less painful. We all make mistakes and if someone went out of their way to make me miserable / hurt me, then the hurt would be worse. In fact if either one of them went out of their way to do that , i would have o re-think everything ...

Bunny, it just has always been my choice to do things that way. The face that i work many hours, do school work and have other things to take care of, if i did not put them first then i would see them less and less. I have to make them and another person i have been with a priority or they fall to the way side.

It is working to an extent, until this weekend issue that we had and i hope it to work in the future as well. I just need to know that i am their number one also.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunny View Post
I understand that it's your choice, but why? Is it working out as an effective strategy? If you put yourself first how do you think that would change things.

It doesn't matter what was known before getting together. All that matters is if everyone is happy, and if not it needs to be renegotiated.

If you know they don't mean to hurt you does that make it less painful?
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 04-10-2012, 02:59 AM
butterflykiss butterflykiss is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 1
Default

I truly do understand what you are saying and how you feel...I have been in a triad relationship on april1st for 1 yr now...and I must say it has been the hardest yr of my life. I met the man who shares my home with his wife 6yrs ago..as friends first ten we crossed that line..I found out he was married about 1 1/2 yrs into our relationship and of course was heart broken but still deeply in love with him...to make this story a bit shorter I was the one who suggested we all move in together...she had many many bouts with jeliousy and they had many fights and arguments about me...how he treats me better...I tried to explain to him... then he to her.. that when you have children,you love them all just not the exact same way...and the reason for this is becouse each one is differant so there for you love them differant...I dont know if this ever made a differance or not for her and i do know and i do feel she really doesnt care for me mostly because she believes i took her husband away from her...which I didnt...for if that was true i would never have suggest we all live together...a small small part of alot of issues in this relationship...and as far as sex...WOW...I am very sexual...but once we all lived together that went way down hill between us...I am guessing this to be because of all the tension and stress...he used to be my best friend...and i feel as if that part has been buried underneath a pile of troubles...we tried all sleeping in the same bed,but that didnt last very long...she didnt like the fact that he touched me...or maybe i should say she just didnt want to be in the same bed if this happened..it has put a strain on how i feel towards him in ways i dont even think i can explain...just that my heart and head seem to be miles apart alot of times...i do like being in a relationship like this just without all the jeliousy and stress that has been brought in our lives...im not really sure how all this will play out... i think i am just waiting for the bottom to fall out and see where i will end up...but i just needed to let you know i really do know how you feel about play time...i miss that part just about as much as i miss my best friend...and the worst part about it all is that i dont believe i could ever say that to him...at one time i could just not anymore. so that leaves me thinking i need to really sit myself down and decide what to do. have a great day!
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 04-10-2012, 04:40 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
...... I just need to know that i am their number one also.
Some say that we teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. You aren't willing to put yourself up there along with them as number "1". So.....maybe they're following your lead?????
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
living together, moving in, moving in together, triad, triads

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:11 PM.