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  #11  
Old 04-09-2012, 05:16 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Hey there and welcome to the mind fuck. Even though you might think that our positions couldn't be more different, as I am the one in the position of your husband, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have had a really hard time coming to terms with this whole poly thing. I really hope that you won't take as much time as I needed to wrap my mind around the facts, as there have been some years that needed to pass till I was able to face the truths about my feelings and desires.

When I fell in love with my best friend, I was waiting for signs that the love I felt for my husband would decline. It was the only way I was taught love works. When I couldn't reach a point where it would have felt true to say that I love him any less and after long introspections (questioning my love for my husband, questioning the love for my friend) I had to admit, that I loved him just like before, that nothing changed and my conclusion back then was: You are just totally weird.

So as others have already said, this takes time. Keep on thinking about it and when you theoretically have grasped the concept, try to experience it if you yourself reach a point where that would be an options. In the case of my husband, experiencing it was the only way he himself was able to really decide if this was for him. He needed to feel (just as I had experienced it over the years before) that my love hasn't changed. When we finally were in that situation and nothings changed in regard to the 'feel' he got from me, he said it was ok.

If someone would have confronted me with this concept on a purely theoretical basis, I think I wouldn't have consented to 1) this being possible at all and 2) to be part of it. From my point of view, some things can only be understood when we have had the experience. It's important to build a solid foundation and walk slowly into something like poly, but you can think about it as much as you want, sometimes this won't make up for the practical experience.

To your mono/poly topic and the longitude of relationships: poly relationships are so unique, it is tricky to make general statements. In our case we will have been together for a decade this year, we never have thought about an alternative lifestyle or have had experiences outside the 'normal' monogamous marriage. And we were happy like that. When I fell in love and when I came to terms with my feelings, things changed structure wise, but our marriage stayed the same. This is still the way, we do relationships. The only part that is missing now, is the exclusivity. That's all. I think it is great that you had the chance to be together this long and make sure of what your partner is really like. You don't have to struggle like some newly formed relationships with getting to know your partner, you are used to manage the every day trifle that can become a real thread to a relationship and you have mastered some hard times already.

Don't feel insecure as long as your partner still makes sure that you have the same attention as before and don't feel insecure jut because he said that other may be important to him as well. Don't be insecure about your body and project this onto your partner. I know how hard it is when the image your mirror is showing you has nothing in common with the person you want to be, but don't judge this in your partners place, as you can't see what he sees in you. You may be just right for him.

I hope things will become a lot easier and processable for you in the near future. You have come to the right place to read and ask questions. If you haven't done it yet, try a tag search under the search options for "mono/poly" or "marriage". You will find many unique stories from others, some will be written from your perspective. Maybe that helps to think about all the possibilities out there. Good luck to you.
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  #12  
Old 04-09-2012, 02:25 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marvel View Post
Vin: He has told me that he is very happy in our marriage, that he loves me very much, and that my weight does not affect the love and desire he feels for me and has all these years. We had some hard times a few years ago when he, like a lot of other people we knew, was unemployed for a long time. It was hard on him as his family gave him a lot of crap and made him feel like he was letting me and the kids down. He has said that those times made him love me more because I stood by him when a lot of other women would have left.

We are quite close and still regularly have sex when other couples we know aren't or hardly ever.
Then I'd remember, when considering how happy and ready you are to take this step, that he IS happy right now as things are. Wanting him to be happy is great, but remember that you being happy is also a key ingredient in things. Don't find yourself trading your own happiness in to make someone who already is happy more indulged.
Find ways to appreciate yourself and spend time working on you in ways that make you feel good. You have a husband and three kids. Part of giving them your all to ensure their happiness is to be happy yourself. This is what you should work on first rather than working on being okay with the big change your husband is asking for.
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  #13  
Old 04-09-2012, 09:08 PM
Marvel Marvel is offline
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Unhappy Yesterday

Yesterday I spent the largest majority of the day crying. JN, my husband, sat and talked with me, held me and talked with me.

It comes to my being afraid:

I am afraid he will value his ability to have sex with others more than us.
I am afraid he will compare me to them and find me lacking, that he will want to replace me.
I am afraid he will disagree with my boundaries and we will fight all the time.
I am afraid he will decide to leave.
I am afraid he will make choices that violate our agreements, and I will leave him.
I am afraid that one of those choices will mean that I end up with an STI/STD.
I am afraid the other person will hate me, make comments about me, and he will listen.
I am afraid his dates and events will take over our life together, that he will leave me home alone, to take care of the house and kids alone.
I am afraid he will convince me to try to date myself, but then no one will want me.
I am afraid he will convince me, I will find someone, and then he will change his mind, and then hold anger at me for doing what he wanted.
I am afraid our oldest (or any other family)will find out and never talk to us, or that our younger kids will find out, not understand, and resent or hate us.

I see so much risk, and for what? So he can be more than just friends with a few women? How does this help make *my* life better?

I could end up with a disease.
I could lose my oldest child, family, and friends.
I could severely damage my marriage.
I could lose my marriage and my home.

He wants me to give up feeling safe and secure, to take this huge risk, and has not really given me any idea what my return would be. A happier husband? How does that benefit me? The ability to date myself? IF anyone would have me, and I'm not convinced of that. I give up security, give up time with him, and risk disease, and get nothing in return? Why should I do that?

If he takes a hobby, I think someone mentioned bowling, he does not run the risk of getting and/or giving me herpes or AIDS. And if something is hapening with me healthwise, the bowling alley won't get pissy with him for not showing up. Or try to convince him to take it on a trip, or buy it jewelry, or stay all night.

I think we are looking at this from two very different positions. He sees all the fun and sexual experiences, and I see all the dangers and hurt that could hapoen. Until we can both see more of the other's viewpoint, nothing will change.

I just hope his patience doesn't wear out before that.
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  #14  
Old 04-09-2012, 10:10 PM
Marvel Marvel is offline
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Unhappy Addition to my last post

Obviously the mood of one's spouse affects them. I remember what he was like when he was unemployed. It affected everything and everyone in our house. So I can get that his being happier will be a benefit for me. I guess I was thinking more of a direct benefit for me.

Also 90% of the last post was me continuing to vent. JN was very loving, and reassuring, and honest with me. It is true though that I feel he does not give as much serious consideration to the dangers this decision exposes us to as I do, and I feel he is being a bit "rose colored glasses" in his statement that none of his activities with other people would have any effect on us.

Of course it will. His dates will take time away from our family, money away from our budget, etc. And I have some concerns that he seems to feel differently about like whether there can be places off-limits for dates, and how other things will be handled like family privacy and so on.

I am not dating them, and I definitely don't want him dscussing our sex life or my health problems with them. He says that if they ask how he is doing and he says he s worried about me, they will probably ask what's going on. I say he should reply that it is personal, and that SN (me) has asked that he not talk about it with anyone. I don't want them to know when I've been feeling unattractive, or having issues with orgasms, or our kids are having problems at school, or that my mother-in-law and I are fighting. He counters that these things affect him, and that since he will have a relationship with them, he should be able to talk wth them about his feelings about whtever it is, and that to do so will mean giving details. I say if pressed he can say that I am unhappy or not feeling well, and it bothers him, and change the subject. I tried to explain how people can use nformation like that against you. The office I worked in years ago was full of women like that. He says I am being ridiculous, that he would never let anything like that happen, that I should trust him more. It isn't him I have a problem trusting.

I feel this is one of those boundary things. Unless I know this person very well myself, I am not going to feel comfortable with them knowing such intimate thngs about me, and I don't want to know their private details either. And even then, there are many people I know very well that I would never share those details with. But still they are my details. I asked him how he would feel if he had erectin issues, and I had a boyfriend, and that I told this boyfriend all about it. He didn't have an answer and then we got interrupted by unexpected company.

I think that if he found just a play partner for his BDSM needs, I would be happier, but he feels he has to have the ability to have whatever kinds of relationships develop, that he wants more than just those BDSM experiences.



I know my posts are long, but I am really in an awful place and have no one to talk to but him.
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  #15  
Old 04-10-2012, 05:34 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marvel View Post
It isn't him I have a problem trusting.
I am sorry to say this, but it is him you have a trust problem with. Most of the things from your list of fears are directly related to trusting him or not. Every single one about valuing you enough when having another relationship is. About not risking your health. About disrespecting your boundaries. About him leaving. And so on. I have to say you should look into your fears (which are absolutely valuable by the way, don't think of them as minor or something) and look how many of them stem from not trusting him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marvel View Post
I think that if he found just a play partner for his BDSM needs, I would be happier, but he feels he has to have the ability to have whatever kinds of relationships develop, that he wants more than just those BDSM experiences.
I know that some do better without the intimate connection of feelings when the partner takes on a new, let's call it 'interest' outside of the initial relationship. I couldn't think of that as more positive, as I know that simple sex without emotions would never satisfy me. Is it that strange to not just want a 'fuck buddy'?

On the other hand I completely understand why you don't want your private things to be discussed outside of your relationship. As you said, he would be dating that person, not you. So he should respect your need for privacy, even if it is hard, and not talk about topics which are uncomfortable for you with third persons. Even if that third person is a partner of his.

You asked what is in this for you. Frankly: nothing, besides a happy partner. For some the knowledge that their partner can be who he/she is. They take pleasure out of his/her pleasure. The hobby comparison is not that far off, despite the risky part you are right about. But every possible hobby your husband taking on would consume money and time, not spend on you or the family. Of course sometimes some limits have to be set in regard to that, but fundamentally saying "No, never!" would seem really strange to me. Think about this situation, your husband taking on a hobby, requesting two nights per week for himself alone, working on something in the basement or garage, going out with friends to see some shows, whatever, would you be jealous of that time he spends away from home? Would you regard this time and investment as threatening towards your family life or marriage?

I know that you want to say that this is something completely different, but trust me, it is not completely. I don't know your husband, but just from the way you write here, it seems to me that you make most of your problems out of thin air. I know those list of fears. I know how they work, I was already called a champion worrier Go over your list of fears and look hard at them. Most of them should only work, if your husband starts being a whole different person I suppose. That was how my fears worked. As soon as you really take the other person into consideration, how he is, how he reacts normally (not this completely arbitrary 'what would be if ...' person): Are those fears still realistic? Do you really believe that another person could change your husband that much? This isn't a compliment in regard to him.

Lastly: Only you can decide if you want to do this for him and if you want to explore this path. You have no obligation to do this. But if you fundamentally say "No." and he fundamentally needs this, you will have to think about further steps. Because this would end in resentment.
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