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Old 04-08-2012, 01:19 PM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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Unhappy Just need to vent - Advice

As we turn into our fifth month of us being together in our triad, I am now beginning to wonder how this is all going to work out in the future. Yes weekends together are great at times but there are still the stressors of my busy work schedule and one of my partners’ busy schedules.

There is also a problem with consistency on the other busy partners part that is really beginning to drive me up the wall. I have asked several times for a few simple things, brush the animals daily, take care of the kitty litter and do a quick clean up on the floor to get rid of the animal hair. I for one am allergic to cats and they have three of them. I am always willing to help while I am here, but it seems that this is not happening, along with other things.

About a week ago we had a huge breakdown as I would call it and the partner who is not consistent with his follow-through came close to playing outside the relationship. The agreements of our relationship are it is three and only us three. If there comes a time when performance is not enough it must be discussed and go from there.

I am the third partner of this triad, the other two have been together for many, many years and now I am beginning to feel its not so much about the three of us, but how each of our dynamic will work and trying to make them all work together. The partner who almost cheated claimed that the reason behind it was he felt I was not attracted to him. Well, I am now spending as much time as I can with him and making him feel more and more attractive as he is. Hell, like I told him, I meet him first and his sexy personality and body is the one that got us here in the first place if he did not remember.

Fast forward to this weekend and I took a long weekend with it being the Easter holiday. I spent time with the partner who felt like he was not attractive all day, then we went out to a party so they could introduce me to all their friends and everyone could finally see who the elusive third partner is.

As with every Saturday, the partner who feels unattractive goes to his personal trainer session and while he was gone I spent a good 3 hours cleaning the house. Yes it is not my house, but I feel I should contribute as I am here on weekends and I know I make a mess (Ok well not a mess, but i do create dust and dirt like anyone else). Took the dogs outside, brushed them, cleaned the floors, washed curtains, did their laundry and so on. All while I should have been working on one of my 5 classes of reading or homework, working towards my masters’ degree.

So last night rolls around and of course everyone is “ready to play” so to speak. By the time we get dinner and everyone gets “ready” its 1030. The one who works on weekends was asleep and the one who went to training for the day has a lower sex drive and is trying to get the other one awake. They both get off quickly and fall asleep… leaving me to feel like… ok.. WTF….. I turn over and just say fuck it, talk about not feeling attractive and fall asleep. Once they awake they go downstairs get cleaned up and come back to bed.
The entire reason any of this even upsets me is the partner that goes to the trainer feels left out a lot as me and the other in the Triad have a much higher sex drive and he just did the exact some thing to me and I don’t think he realized it. So now, its 6 am, I am without sleep for most of the night and they both stay upstairs sleeping in till 9 (again which is fine, I don’t care what time they get up, but normally if I am not in bed one of them will get up and wonder where the hell I am. When I get a chance to sleep in, I will)

I am sitting in the office, alone and even when they enter the office to get what they need; no one says a word, like nothing happened. I feel like I am no longer the new and shiny object and I wonder ho much longer this is going to last at times. I love them both dearly and they both say that they do me, but I am not sure if things like this continue to happen (My feelings, cares, consistency) being ignored, if I can continue in this relationship. I feel used after one almost cheated and I have give up more than I care to share at this time, but I am not sure they are both willing to give up the same.

Thank you all for listening to me and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Happy Easter to those who celebrate.
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  #2  
Old 04-08-2012, 11:00 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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How about asking everyone to chip in to hire a cleaning person, so you are not the maid? And then speak up when you're feeling dissed. The more you allow it and sweep it aside, the more they will think everything's fine and acceptable to you. Another thing might be to have regular "house meetings" for all three of you to air this kind of stuff - perhaps every few weeks, or at least once a month? Don't let it fester.
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Old 04-09-2012, 12:02 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I don't have too much useful advice I'm afraid, I am sorry that you don't feel you are being valued.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
I have asked several times for a few simple things, brush the animals daily, take care of the kitty litter and do a quick clean up on the floor to get rid of the animal hair. I for one am allergic to cats and they have three of them. I am always willing to help while I am here, but it seems that this is not happening, along with other things.
Well I think that is sad, I have a partner allergic to cats and it's quite a bit of work to try to even keep one room and bedding cat hair free, but I try. Did one of your partners specifically agree to do this or is it just that they agreed to it but nobody is taking responsibility? Maybe another clear conversation is in order, but I don't know it's going to do much good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
About a week ago we had a huge breakdown as I would call it and the partner who is not consistent with his follow-through came close to playing outside the relationship. The agreements of our relationship are it is three and only us three.
How did you find that they almost cheated? If they spoke up and admitted it, that's altogether different than if somebody else called them on it or caught them, and they weren't going to come clean. Did the follow up discussion about this make you reassured that they felt it was a mistake and that you had resolved what made them do this, or do you feel like you were blown off?

I would not accept being told somebody was going to cheat on me because they didn't think I was attracted enough to them as an OK answer. That right there puts a horrid onus on me to bolster their self esteem and use my time and energy on them. I would feel I had to "fake" it, if my actual love and giving and telling them I wanted them wasn't enough. They should be working a lot on their own self esteem if they have that many issues. I would guess this is a situation where you can pour everything you have into the bottomless well and they'll never feel truly loved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
As with every Saturday, the partner who feels unattractive goes to his personal trainer session and while he was gone I spent a good 3 hours cleaning the house. Yes it is not my house, but I feel I should contribute as I am here on weekends and I know I make a mess (Ok well not a mess, but i do create dust and dirt like anyone else). Took the dogs outside, brushed them, cleaned the floors, washed curtains, did their laundry and so on. All while I should have been working on one of my 5 classes of reading or homework, working towards my masters’ degree.
STOP THAT. You are giving too much, hoping they will see how much work you are putting into the relationship? (That and trying to make it so you can breathe of course). You hope if you make their live easier they will start trying to make your life easier? Best advice ever I've heard for this situation is to make yourself your own primary. Work on your reading and homework, put yourself first.

Love Nycindie's suggestion of house meetings. It does sound like you aren't speaking up about how you're feeling as often or assertively as you could be.
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Old 04-09-2012, 12:59 AM
Jericka Jericka is offline
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If you need a cleaner place to live, and their not assisting in this is causing you too much stress...

Do you have either a deal breaker, or a reason to live separately?

Just think about what you actually need.

I live by myself. At the moment, if there's a mess, it's my mess. If there is cat hair I can sweep it up. I do keep the bedroom door closed to keep the cats off the bed and off that carpet, because although I am not allergic, my Love is.

I WAS married for almost ten years, and the way we handled housework was that we both worked on housework, but different things(he was happier vacuuming, I was happier mopping) at the same time for whatever amount of time. We cleaned up our own dishes the day they were used. We each did our own laundry.

Housework agreements that are not followed can really cause a lot of hurt and resentment. If there are no consequences for your housemates and they can count on you doing it all....then you need to find some way of heading off the resentment that I know that I would feel in your shoes. They either need to find a way to compensate you, or, you may need to find a space for yourself free of pet hair.

The other problem is that of communication. You have talked about it, but, they haven't really understood or they have gotten away without any of the possible consequences. Boundaries aren't any good if you can't bring yourself to enforce them.

Good luck with your triad. I wouldn't be able to do a closed triad, but, I'm not you.
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Old 04-09-2012, 01:37 AM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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Sadly we do not all live together and that is not something i would ask of them to do. I the two that live together want to do that fine, but i see no need in that. The home i am moving from is 3,400 Sq feet and their home is about 1300 Sq feet. If i can do all of this and keep my home clean, there is no reason they can not.

We do have meetings as needed and there is also the rule if you are unable to speak your feelings, send an email, post on here, or send a text message just so everyone knows where we stand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
How about asking everyone to chip in to hire a cleaning person, so you are not the maid? And then speak up when you're feeling dissed. The more you allow it and sweep it aside, the more they will think everything's fine and acceptable to you. Another thing might be to have regular "house meetings" for all three of you to air this kind of stuff - perhaps every few weeks, or at least once a month? Don't let it fester.
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Old 04-09-2012, 01:48 AM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I don't have too much useful advice I'm afraid, I am sorry that you don't feel you are being valued.



Well I think that is sad, I have a partner allergic to cats and it's quite a bit of work to try to even keep one room and bedding cat hair free, but I try. Did one of your partners specifically agree to do this or is it just that they agreed to it but nobody is taking responsibility? Maybe another clear conversation is in order, but I don't know it's going to do much good.



How did you find that they almost cheated? If they spoke up and admitted it, that's altogether different than if somebody else called them on it or caught them, and they weren't going to come clean. Did the follow up discussion about this make you reassured that they felt it was a mistake and that you had resolved what made them do this, or do you feel like you were blown off?

I would not accept being told somebody was going to cheat on me because they didn't think I was attracted enough to them as an OK answer. That right there puts a horrid onus on me to bolster their self esteem and use my time and energy on them. I would feel I had to "fake" it, if my actual love and giving and telling them I wanted them wasn't enough. They should be working a lot on their own self esteem if they have that many issues. I would guess this is a situation where you can pour everything you have into the bottomless well and they'll never feel truly loved.



STOP THAT. You are giving too much, hoping they will see how much work you are putting into the relationship? (That and trying to make it so you can breathe of course). You hope if you make their live easier they will start trying to make your life easier? Best advice ever I've heard for this situation is to make yourself your own primary. Work on your reading and homework, put yourself first.

Love Nycindie's suggestion of house meetings. It does sound like you aren't speaking up about how you're feeling as often or assertively as you could be.
The one partner had made a few commitments to me. Brush the animals, keep the litter boxes clean daily and just do a squick swiffering around the house to keep the hair and dander down as much as they can. This only seems to happen when i get upset or bitch about it. Again i do not live there, i have my own home but at some point i want us to combine households.

I found out that he was close to cheating by having the other partner beat it out of him (not literally). I knew something was wrong and so did he and he finally admitted to being on Squirt, Scruff and other sits talking to men. We also noticed that there was a lack of happiness that was like turning on a light switch.

I told him that i lost a large amount of trust in him with all of this and it will take time for him to earn it back. The sad part is, this partner is the one i never expected it from, he has the lower sex drive. I expected it from the one who has the sex drive like me (We want to $(@) like bunnies!!!)

There is a lot to repair here and we did have some talking about it today prior to me having to leave for family events. But what hurt the most was we just had this talk on Thursday about the one who was on those other sites, feeling left out and un-attractive. So i went out of my way friday to spend the entire day with just him and to make sure he knew i loved him and last night he just did the same thing to me, let me feeling unattractive and not important.

As for me doing cleaning around the house i do not mind. I feel that i should help out and once we are a family unit i will have to anyway. there are things i will not do, but i did them to try and ease the tension and allow us to have more time together. Sadly, i was wrong and all it all felt like it was a waste and in the future i will spend time doing what i need to do instead.

In my head i have always made my partners the first thing, the rank goes

1. Them
2. work
3. Me

After this episode i think i may have to reevaluate how i think about this. I always thought that i would be their top priority, making sure then that everyone is being taken care of, but obviously i was wrong. Even after our talk today i still do not feel like i am their top priority.
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Old 04-09-2012, 01:57 AM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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There is a very limited amount of set house work that the two of them have to do. The one, has to take care of the few things i requested and the other does most of the other work. It seems to have worked for them in the past prior to me and i will not change it right now. Do i agree with it, no. But again i don't know the financials and who pays for what and so on. I still do not agree that the person making more money should have less work to do in the house, but what they have until i am there is what they have. I have only asked for a few simple task to be done.

I would have hoped after being together now 5 months that these would be easy task, but they still seem to hard to get completed. There was also what i would call a agreement between them that the one who cleans almost everything as it is, would do the things that i asked in exchange for something else. I for one still feel like this is a cop out, but whatever works for them, works for them i guess. When i move in, things may change and i just worry that i am going to turn the ones world upside down and he will not be able to take the pressure.

As for being in a closed triad, this is the one and only chance i think i will give it. If it works great and if not, i will move on and have had a great experience with two men.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jericka View Post
If you need a cleaner place to live, and their not assisting in this is causing you too much stress...

Do you have either a deal breaker, or a reason to live separately?

Just think about what you actually need.

I live by myself. At the moment, if there's a mess, it's my mess. If there is cat hair I can sweep it up. I do keep the bedroom door closed to keep the cats off the bed and off that carpet, because although I am not allergic, my Love is.

I WAS married for almost ten years, and the way we handled housework was that we both worked on housework, but different things(he was happier vacuuming, I was happier mopping) at the same time for whatever amount of time. We cleaned up our own dishes the day they were used. We each did our own laundry.

Housework agreements that are not followed can really cause a lot of hurt and resentment. If there are no consequences for your housemates and they can count on you doing it all....then you need to find some way of heading off the resentment that I know that I would feel in your shoes. They either need to find a way to compensate you, or, you may need to find a space for yourself free of pet hair.

The other problem is that of communication. You have talked about it, but, they haven't really understood or they have gotten away without any of the possible consequences. Boundaries aren't any good if you can't bring yourself to enforce them.

Good luck with your triad. I wouldn't be able to do a closed triad, but, I'm not you.
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Old 04-09-2012, 12:56 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
The home i am moving from is 3,400 Sq feet and their home is about 1300 Sq feet. If i can do all of this and keep my home clean, there is no reason they can not.
Unfortunately, for some of us, this the fact that there is "no reason" that we shouldn't be able to keep a clean house never ever translates into a clean house. We are lazy slobs when it comes to housework. I was hoping that moving into a smaller, easier to clean house and getting rid of roughly half of our stuff would magically make us neater people...nope. Adding a third person, who has practically NO stuff, and is home all day...nope.

Apparently NOT ONE of us is capable of making cleaning any sort of priority

This may be one of those "Love Languages" situations (many people on this site have read the book and gained insight from it). Your "love language" may be "acts of service" - if theirs is not then they might not see that by not making the cleaning tasks that you have asked for a priority then it may seem to you that they are not making YOU a priority.

3 weeks ago I specifically asked MrS to clean the bathroom and Dude to clean the kitchen. I wrote it on a whiteboard and propped it between their desks. Whiteboard still there. Bath and kitchen still not cleaned. Oh well, it was worth a try.

JaneQ

PS. MY excuse? I work 70 hours a week outside of the house...lame, I know
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Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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  #9  
Old 04-09-2012, 04:51 PM
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So, are your partners reading this thread? Why are you poly-fi? Why don't they come to your house, especially if you're allergic to their cats?

I have some paradigm shifts that I made that have helped in my relationships and might help you.

1) I can only control myself. I can not control my partner, so I don't try. I can only control my reaction.

The vibe I'm getting is that your partner is (subconsciously) rebeling against your perceived attempts to control by acting rebeliously. By ignoring your need to be allergen free and by putting up dating profiles he might be reassurting his autonomy. Perhaps his parents were controlling which leads him to react instinctively to rebel.

So try saying something like this: "I have a need to be free of cat hair. When my allergies act up I feel disregarded. What solution can you think of for this problem?" You don't need that particular person to clean. Maybe the solution is someone else does it, or you hang out someplace else.

2). My partner can't read my mind and assumptions are trouble. I need to communicate what I'm feeling timely, calmly and in a way they can understand.

I find that emails and texting lead to misunderstandings.

3). Don't play the martyr. If I want to do something out of a sense of giving, expecting nothing in return, than great. But if I do something feeling self sacrificing and expecting something in return, it will create resentment. And I don't want anyone else to sacrifice for me because I don't want to be resented.
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Old 04-09-2012, 05:53 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
When i move in, things may change and i just worry that i am going to turn the ones world upside down and he will not be able to take the pressure.
You've only been together a short time, so I hope you are not planning on moving in before you've been with them for at least a year. They do sound like they are viewing this situation as a Couple Plus One rather than 1+1+1 all with equal say and responsibility. There are certainly issues here that need some light shone on them, and some negotiations. When you ask for boundaries or make agreements, it is important that people know there are consequences for crossing them or not living up to them.

You really have begun to set a dangerous precedent for yourself in terms of tolerating too much bullshit and it will continue unless you stand up for yourself and say, "No more." I also wonder why they can't stay at your place. Another reason why they seem very couplecentric and mostly invested in the dyad than in the triad.
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