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  #31  
Old 04-07-2012, 05:49 PM
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KitWalker KitWalker is offline
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I'm no expert, I came here looking to learn, myself, but from where I sit, you look to be heading for a major cliff to fall off of.

You got three people in this situation, two of which are uncomfortable with it. Why are you still going forward?

Your "gut hurts". You don't say whether you told your wife this. Do you really think it will get better if you repress it?

Personally, I think hiding your discomfort is dishonest. It is not some noble sacrifice you are making, it's withholding vital information from your partner.
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  #32  
Old 04-07-2012, 08:32 PM
Heropsychodream Heropsychodream is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KitWalker View Post

Personally, I think hiding your discomfort is dishonest. It is not some noble sacrifice you are making, it's withholding vital information from your partner.
Oh I'm not hiding anything... We are open with each other and I tell her everything that I feel.

Anyways, I did some more research (since I can't get this off my mind) and I am ready to own up to the fact that I am jealous. This jealousy is mostly driven by fear (so not envy). That is what this feeling is.

This thread then is FEEDING my insecurity because everyone insists that this is a train wreck in progress. Sometimes you know you are heading for pain but you go down it anyways. I knew with my first girlfriend I would have to leave her when I went to college and when that time came I did it and it was sad. I don't regret anything but cherish those times with her. This is like that. I have an opportunity to grow as a person by learning to confront something that I denied I could even have (jealousy). It ain't easy but with open dialogue between ahmed, my wife and I, I hope we can all benefit from this relationship somehow.

I think I need to let this thread die and resurrect it a few months down the line so you guys can see what happened. Of course I'll stick around the board because you guys are cool cats. I'd especially like to thank and annabelmore and Nycindie. You both offered critical but constructive feedback and helped me through this process. I don't think this horse needs to be beaten in public anymore but you two might get a pm if I REALLY need someone to talk to (my wife and ahmed should be first though).
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  #33  
Old 04-07-2012, 08:37 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
He is spending the weekend on our couch.
*golf clap*

What partner pushes ahead with something new when you're not ready? Your wife, bless her heart, has nobody's best interests in mind but her own, and you need to stand up to her now that you've begun to feel this bad about it.

Quote:
P.S. That comment about calling the police on him was less racist and more driven by fear... It feels like a rope as I enter a dark cave. He's honestly a nice guy.
And just what do you think happens when white people fear brown ones? Fear is a huge component of racism--why do you think young black men were punished for going near young white women? Did you never take a class on this? You're a social sciences major in the 21st century.

Time to sit back, make myself a rum punch, and watch this train wreck...
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  #34  
Old 04-07-2012, 08:50 PM
Heropsychodream Heropsychodream is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post

And just what do you think happens when white people fear brown ones? Fear is a huge component of racism--why do you think young black men were punished for going near young white women? Did you never take a class on this? You're a social sciences major in the 21st century.

Time to sit back, make myself a rum punch, and watch this train wreck...
I feel like you're being attacking. I'm taking this to the PM as per the forum rules.
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  #35  
Old 04-07-2012, 08:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Lovefromgirl wasn't attacking you, I felt. She was just pointing out that you seem so willing to write off very important points we've all made. All of us are trying to get you to open your eyes and see this oncoming train, and perhaps steer it from becoming a wreck and you have cavalierly responded with, "Well, it's a learning experience I could use." It's amazing that you're a grad student in anthropology and have such an attitude and prefer to keep your blinders on. You seem not to care nor respect this man, your wife, or yourself enough to admit that you're making big mistakes here.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-07-2012 at 09:10 PM.
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  #36  
Old 04-07-2012, 08:59 PM
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KitWalker KitWalker is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
Oh I'm not hiding anything... We are open with each other and I tell her everything that I feel.
So she knows that you are uncomfortable and she knows he is uncomfortable. Why are you going forward with this, again?

Quote:
Anyways, I did some more research (since I can't get this off my mind) and I am ready to own up to the fact that I am jealous. This jealousy is mostly driven by fear (so not envy). That is what this feeling is.
Not all fear is bad. Frankly, I'd be afraid in this situation myself.

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Sometimes you know you are heading for pain but you go down it anyways.
If you enjoy pain, sure.

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I knew with my first girlfriend I would have to leave her when I went to college and when that time came I did it and it was sad. I don't regret anything but cherish those times with her. This is like that.
Nope, this is not at all like that. Unless, of course, you knew in advance that your wife would put her pleasure over your suffering.

Quote:
I have an opportunity to grow as a person by learning to confront something that I denied I could even have (jealousy). It ain't easy but with open dialogue between ahmed, my wife and I, I hope we can all benefit from this relationship somehow.
What relationship? Isn't Ahmed, by definition, "a temporary thing"?

Speaking of which, I am seriously uncomfortable with how you are treating him. He is young. He is out of his element - moving to a different country, even temporarily, is no small thing, especially when we are talking societies as radically different as Saudi Arabia and US. He likely has no experience with women whatsoever. In SA women don't date, can't appear in public without a male relative, and aren't allowed to drive. This makes him vulnerable. Your wife is using him over his objections. He has a religious issue. Religion in SA is not what religion is in US. People can get prison time and death penalty for religious crimes over there. Do you have any idea how he is going to handle this long-term?
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  #37  
Old 04-07-2012, 09:26 PM
Heropsychodream Heropsychodream is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
All of us are trying to get you to open your eyes and see this oncoming train, and perhaps steer it from becoming a wreck
It's not as if I can go back now... or is it?

Kit makes a good point. I looked it up and the punishment for this kind of thing is indeed stoning to death. I don't think my wife knows this. If she cares for him she wouldn't want this... although I can already hear her response that he just will stay out of that country (he doesn't want to go back anyway). What is the best way to voice this?

Last edited by Heropsychodream; 04-07-2012 at 09:32 PM.
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  #38  
Old 04-07-2012, 09:50 PM
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KitWalker KitWalker is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
It's not as if I can go back now... or is it?
Can't turn back time, but it's certainly possible to stop before getting in deeper.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
If she cares for him she wouldn't want this... although I can already hear her response that he just will stay out of that country (he doesn't want to go back anyway). What is the best way to voice this?
Not to make you more nervous than you are, but it's not unheard of for Arab families to export fun stuff like this to other countries, or taking people to their country forcibly. I bet a family sending a kid to study in US is not without resources.

Now, the rules for men are different than they are for women under Muslim law, so he might get away with it. I am no Islamic expert, but I would definitely advise against meddling in cultures you know nothing about.

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Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
What is the best way to voice this?
I have no idea. I don't know your wife and I have never been in a situation like this. Maybe laying out the facts? Hopefully someone with more experience can chime in.
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  #39  
Old 04-07-2012, 10:00 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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OP, you could show this thread to your wife and discuss it with her.
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  #40  
Old 04-07-2012, 10:56 PM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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>.<

OP:

Your inability to address the glaringly obvious problems in your situation honestly makes my head hurt.

Last edited by Alleycat; 04-07-2012 at 10:56 PM. Reason: typo
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