Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 04-07-2012, 06:52 PM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
Why do we suddenly need to treat each other as we don't exist under special circumstances? That, more than anything, sounds like having accessory relationships to me.
Who said anything about treating your husband (or him treating you) like he doesn't exist? The only thing I saw people saying is that as a person approaching a married man (or woman), we would approach the person we have interest in FIRST to establish interest and then figure out what needs to be done in regards to the spouse. Why would she come to you first? She's not interested in dating you. Doesn't it seem right that she would go to your husband, let him know she's interested, and then trust him to talk to you to establish whatever boundaries you two have and communicate them back to her? If one of your boundaries is that you have to meet his prospective partners, then that is something she can either do so that she could begin dating your husband or not do and write him off because his relationship decisions don't mesh with hers.

Quote:
I made the choice to get married, and so did my husband. It counts for something, in my view. It doesn't get to be used as an excuse for me to spy, or to control; same is true for him. But it counts.

I suppose this means that for me, I need some kind of involvement in his life; in his poly life, too.
What kind of involvement? Do you get to decide who he dates or do you just get to know who the people are? Do you have to physically meet them or is his description enough? Or do you have to date AS A COUPLE instead of AS INDIVIDUALS?

Quote:
I don't see myself suddenly dating anyone and not letting him know, or even telling him "Well, it's me dating him, you have no say about it, and you don't get to know anything because you know what? I get to decide that I'm keeping you two separate, because that's simpler for me. Find a way to deal with it."
Did he try to do this? I thought you said she approached him, he came and talked to you, and for whatever reasons nothing happened then. It's HIS responsibility to talk to you, not hers. She has no relationship with you. Now, I would consider it her responsibility to at least inquire as to what is and isn't on the table for her and him to do together, in respect for your relationship with him, but unless she has reason not to trust that he is being fully honest with her or you, why should she have to talk to you?

This is where the whole "how involved do you have to be" thing comes in. Do you have to personally talk to her or is your husband trustworthy enough to live up to your expectations?

Quote:
Perhaps it's na´ve of me to think he HAS to do the same for me. But I believe I would request it of him. As a couple I want to grow in this relationship I have with him... with him. All of him, and his being poly too. I want to know what's going on because knowing what makes him happy with someone else would help me be happy about it, too. I believe the idea is called compersion? I'm not saying I want to necessarily become BFFs with the other woman. But ... the idea that it should be perfectly okay for me to not ever get to know her is very, very strange. It makes no sense, rationally (nevermind emotionally).
He can tell you what's going on. I would think getting to know her could wait until they have established a relationship. I guess my view when my husband was going on dates was that there was no point in me expending the energy and effort to try to meet and like this woman (or women) if they aren't going to be around long term. By long term I mean long enough that they start getting invited to group activities, introduced to his main set of friends, etc. If you feel differently, that's fine, but that's something that EVERYONE has to agree on. You and hubby need to have a serious talk about expectations on this.

Quote:
For now.... Nope. I need some easing into it. Can't deal with full blown separate lives.
I'm still not seeing the separate lives, but I guess that's just me. Him going out with this woman and coming home and telling you the generalities (as in, we went to dinner, she's awesome, we have x, y, and z in common, we kissed goodnight) is keeping you involved - I wouldn't ask specifics because that is her private life too. If he went out and came home and refused to tell you anything, that would seem completely separate.

I completely understand needing time to get used to the idea of your husband dating. That's a HUGE adjustment. But it really seems like the two of you just need to sit down and figure out what you both need to happen to make sure the transition happens as smoothly and comfortably as possible.

Last edited by km34; 04-07-2012 at 06:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-07-2012, 06:53 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,161
Default

StoneElf, I don't believe anyone said anything about having totally separate lives and not acknowledging your marriage as important. Nor did anyone say that a married couple should keep secrets from each other and never know whom their partner is with. I did suggest that you could reach out to her, in fact. Poly is consensual, after all. You seem to have misread us.

The issue seemed to be that you thought a woman should ask you first before expressing interest in your husband. We responded to that, and I think most of us said it's not necessary beforehand but no one said you should never expect to meet her. That part is where a lot of variations exist, depending on the people involved and their preferences. In explaining my answer, I brought up the importance of autonomy, but that was not meant to imply that your marriage should not count as something valuable and solemn or anything else it means to you. I think that perhaps you might feel a little chastised and defensive about some of the responses you received.

But you wanted our feedback. Just bear in mind that these are our opinions and no one is telling you what to do, feel, or think. It is obvious you are a very intelligent and thoughtful person, so take whatever useful information you can from what people here share with you, use what you think works, toss the rest, or tell us we're all nuts!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 04-07-2012 at 08:32 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-07-2012, 08:36 PM
SuddenlyStoneElf SuddenlyStoneElf is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Boulder, CO, USA
Posts: 27
Default Woops.

I think I did misread you! I apologize if I came across as defensive (probably because I feel that way somewhat). This is all really, really new to me. One of my best friend describes me as high-strung. I guess that really shows here. O_O;

All of you have my apologies if I was harsh, I didn't mean to be. I truly appreciate your insight. It's difficult for me to get what I think across without being forceful, the idea of expressing what I actually feel VS what everyone else expects to hear is only 2-3 years old for me (besides poly I've been working on a load of stuff).

I will think about what you have said for a while before adding anything else...
Thanks again!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cowboy, cowgirl, marriage, married dating, opening a relationship, opening up a marriage

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:51 AM.