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  #121  
Old 04-06-2012, 10:29 PM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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Default ideal relationship

i'm new to the site and everybody here...and still in a mono relationship with my (male) best friend, Z (my long and dragged-out current story is on the Personal Summaries thread), who wants to keep it that way, while i do not.

at this point...because i have a suspicion that "ideals" will change with the flow of life and time and experience...my ideal relationship would be to live as a solo poly, living alone (as i already do) in my awesome cabin shack, with the options of spending time with him as suits us both; as well as with J (my ex), and also with anybody else, male or female, who moves me to do so, who intrigues me, or with whom i feel myself developing a bond or connection...and for anybody i am connected with in any way to feel free to do the same. we would all spend time connecting regularly, keeping abreast of what's goin on with each other, what's in each other's heads/hearts/guts, hanging sometimes together as a group and sometimes in smaller intimate groups or one-on-one....

i love playing house - but only for a few days at a time, max! i feel i need as much alone time as i do time with anyone else, and as much time with one of my closest partners as i do with another. there's no one at this point with whom i want to have that "primary" committed relationship, even with the option of having other lovers or partners.

i found a line in "Opening Up" (Tristan Taormino) that pretty much sums up how i feel right now:

"i consider myself to be my primary partner. this is a very real label for me, not something that i adopt while waiting for 'The One' to come along. i am my own husband and wife."

i want and need love, support, encouragement, cuddling, sex, intimacy, shared vulnerability, and a lot of other very human things as much as any of us does...but i don't feel like one human can (or i should expect them to) meet all of my needs, and i don't expect myself to be able to meet all the needs of anybody else. we all connect in different ways, and each touch different parts of us, nurture different aspects of each of us....

i'll ramble if i'm let. thanks for listening!
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  #122  
Old 04-07-2012, 04:22 AM
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StarTeddy StarTeddy is offline
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If I lived in an amazing dream world, my ideal relationship would be between my (strictly mono) ex and my best friend, and we would live happily ever after in a closed V where I'd be married to both of them.

If I had to start from scratch, I guess I'd like being married to only one person, but having one or two romantic friendships that are non-sexual and don't reach relationship level. Tied for first place would be having two husbands, and maybe one romantic friendship.
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  #123  
Old 04-07-2012, 06:09 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Wow. Great thread.

I honestly don't even know. I assumed my ideal relationship in the beginning would've been me in a V with my husband and a girlfriend, but now I'm not so hard-pressed on that as a goal. If I met another man and we connected, I would go for that too. I am particularly set on exploring my bi-curiousity regardless though.
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  #124  
Old 04-07-2012, 10:20 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackMagicBlonde View Post
...my ideal relationship would be to live as a solo poly, living alone (as i already do) in my awesome cabin shack, with the options of spending time with him as suits us both; as well as with J (my ex), and also with anybody else, male or female, who moves me to do so, who intrigues me, or with whom i feel myself developing a bond or connection...and for anybody i am connected with in any way to feel free to do the same.
Awesome!


Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackMagicBlonde View Post
we would all spend time connecting regularly, keeping abreast of what's goin on with each other, what's in each other's heads/hearts/guts, hanging sometimes together as a group and sometimes in smaller intimate groups or one-on-one....

i love playing house - but only for a few days at a time, max! i feel i need as much alone time as i do time with anyone else, and as much time with one of my closest partners as i do with another. there's no one at this point with whom i want to have that "primary" committed relationship, even with the option of having other lovers or partners.

i found a line in "Opening Up" (Tristan Taormino) that pretty much sums up how i feel right now:

"i consider myself to be my primary partner. this is a very real label for me, not something that i adopt while waiting for 'The One' to come along. i am my own husband and wife."

i want and need love, support, encouragement, cuddling, sex, intimacy, shared vulnerability, and a lot of other very human things as much as any of us does...but i don't feel like one human can (or i should expect them to) meet all of my needs, and i don't expect myself to be able to meet all the needs of anybody else. we all connect in different ways, and each touch different parts of us, nurture different aspects of each of us....

i'll ramble if i'm let. thanks for listening!
Hey, would you post this over in the "Solo Poly People" thread? And add whatever you want to it. I like your perspective!
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  #125  
Old 04-07-2012, 11:59 AM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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Almost living my dream. I am involved in a wonderful quad with another couple, we enjoy each others company very much , laughing joking and working. We spent the last week actually living at there place and it was pretty nice. And yes ex is something I enjoy and once or twice a day is great, more to come soon.
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  #126  
Old 04-08-2012, 07:56 PM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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sure sorry, i didn't yet realize there was a thread dedicated to solo poly. am still finding my way around. thanks!
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  #127  
Old 04-09-2012, 09:06 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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This was a very fun thread to read!

I'm pretty close to my ideal

Fly (BF) and I have been together a little more than six years, and I feel like we've finally settled into a very comfortable, supportive, trusting relationship. We live together, but have separate bedrooms for space and privacy. We also are raising his 8-year-old son, and are open to having a baby together if it happens. It's taken all this time to work the kinks out, but we're at the point now where we don't have very many "relationship discussions," because we know each other so well, and have worked through anxiety/trust/fear issues extensively and lovingly.

Fly tends to have hook-ups, or date people for a few weeks, and then find new people. I don't understand it, but have come to recognize that it's what makes him happy, and have let go trying to make him "do poly the right way." Part of me being so joyful in my life is related to learning to let him do his thing, and to welcome the energy he brings when he's getting what he wants in his life.

I also have Punk, who I see about once a week. Our relationship is so different than mine with Fly, and I really cherish the time we spend together. He is married, and has a child (who I adore), so it works very well that we are secondarys for each other. The only thing I wish is that he lived closer (he's 30-40 minutes away). I would like to be able to see him more often, on a more casual basis. I think our kids would get along really well also. I'd love to be able to make park playdates, or to meet for a quick spontaneous half-hour to grab ice cream or something in the evening.

I think that I would also enjoy having a female lover-friend, with whom I could be sexually intimate and who also shares interests that my guys don't, like theater, pedicures, shopping, road trips, Grey's Anatomy...

For the most part, I'm just ecstatic to have two such wonderful guys in my life, and the freedom to build whatever kinds of relationships I want with whomever I choose. This is not the life I pictured for myself, but I had no idea how great things could be until I got to this place
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  #128  
Old 04-11-2012, 12:06 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greenearthal View Post
A little more about gender and why I retain these romantic notions about some balance:

I feel like I thrive in both large and small lateral groups. I find that I do not do very well in hierarchical groups at all (I'm the star you're the fan, you're the boss I'm the worker, I'm the boss you're the worker, etc.) But in peer groups, whether large or small, I feel like I really thrive.

However, when I am in large peer groups and for whatever reason I find myself with a significant gender imbalance, people seem to take leave of their senses and act like idiots (sometimes, not an act). In a large peer group that is predominately male there is generally one monocultural type of idiocy, perhaps best labeled as "typical made idiocy". And likewise, when I find myself among a predominately female group things generally devolve into "any one of a million subtly nuanced forms of complex idiocy".

Whether the differences from male to female are more biological or more socialization is irrelevant. The fact is they're there. And I find that groups that tend toward gender balance are more likely to have the mix of skills and personalities to meet problem solving head on and enjoy the benefits of diversity.

I do recognize that both gender balance and fidelity are my own personal preferences. And believe-you-me I am well aware, sometimes we fall in love with people and the love becomes way more important than our personal preferences. But the actual homework assignment was imagine your ideal relationship. And if I won the relationship lotto and found myself in a situation similar to what I initially described I would be a happy camper.

That's all
I can relate to this a lot. But, there is another factor in my case, which is bisexuality.

Whomever I`m with, male or female, has to be able to approach gender intelligently. Knee-jerk gender loyalty turns me off on both men and women. Men and women are equals also is a turn off, since it`s patently untrue. All men/women aren`t like that, also a turn off since gender patterns are obviously present.

My relationships with women are more challenging, no doubt about it. I don`t want to be fed equality anymore, since it is obvious men and women cannot be equals. Women by-and-large refuse equality when I offer it to them. They want to be socially under me, or I seize to be a sexual prospect (in spite of the fact that I am naturally aggressive in bed, and in bed only). Respect, in the masculine sense, means lack of "confidence" for them. So, it`s no longer a feasible dream, for me. And, therefore not a dream at all.

That being said, I don`t fit into hetero-male idiocy either. And, simply "putting a woman in her place", isn`t enough. And, sounds more like some homoerotic need to impress members of the same gender.

I guess what I am hoping for are biological mutations among both women and men. Bisexuality seems to be the only way to escape having to be a total jerk to women, which is what they appear to want in me, for the most part. I also don`t want to be hanging out with men whose knuckles drag on the ground.

As for gay and bisexual men, I am really happy to have discovered my love for them, and they are now the salt of my Earth. They are my hope and salvation from gender idiocy. Still waiting for women who will surprise me, but no longer holding my breath. I guess they are called unicorns for a reason.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 04-11-2012 at 12:34 PM.
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  #129  
Old 04-13-2012, 05:07 PM
SukieJones SukieJones is offline
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Default In a perfect world...

My lover and I wouldn't have to hide our feelings, and my husband and I wouldn't have to hide our open marriage or his low libido. We would all be able to love and accept one another without self-consciousness (complicated feelings are fine, we can work through those). I'd be able to go around town with my lover, spend nights at his place and even have him be part of my family. He wouldn't feel awkward telling his friends he's been seeing a married woman for the last year and that we've developed a profound friendship. He would have told his new girlfriend about me the moment they met and she would have been fine with it. Maybe we'd develop a friendship of our own. It'd be so nice to talk about all the things we love about my lover. (I'm uncomfortable being part of his deceit, but I don't know how to let him go yet.) My husband would find an interesting woman for us to share, someone who brings adventure and life experience to the table, someone we can both love. He too would go off and enjoy his private time. Having an additional relationship has given me a beautiful escape from the stress of daily life. I hate having to keep it under wraps, but we have children, work, school, PTA, and carpool, and all the rest of the chaos that goes with raising a family. Our community already thinks of me as a wild card. What feels perfectly natural to me further alienates me.

In a perfect world we would all be polyamorous. And exceptional communicators.
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  #130  
Old 04-26-2012, 09:09 PM
threesnocrowd threesnocrowd is offline
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That's easy. Two guys and a girl. Lots of love and everyone eats along. Heaven
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