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  #11  
Old 04-06-2012, 05:27 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
Back to the point... I don't really see him as an extremist or a predator. I see him as a confused boy who is probably making a mistake. He says to me that he knows he is being illogical but he can't help feeling attracted to her. He knows it is not in his best interest yet he advances.
So what's the problem? If he admits it's not in his best interest, you aren't comfortable with it, and your wife isn't going to let him make a decision in the midst of passion, what is the question? All three of you (you, your wife, Ahmed) have admitted that this is not the best idea for him. Why in the world would any of you still be considering it? I mean, at least HE has hormones as an excuse, I guess.

Your wife shouldn't have sex with him at this point in time. End of story. If he goes out, gets some life and culture experience in the US, comes back in a year or two or three or whatever and they STILL want to screw, then whatever, but now is NOT the time.

Now, the fact that this situation has you and your wife talking is great. Take advantage of the openness to figure out exactly what the two of you want. Do you want to swing together? Fuck others separately? Actually pursue other relationships either together or separate? Now's a great time to figure it out so when opportunity for something presents itself again, you're ready.

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*** Also, why in the world does this site log you off if you spend a couple minutes typing a post? Very annoying.
I always click the "remember me" box when logging in and it doesn't do that to me anymore.
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  #12  
Old 04-06-2012, 01:45 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
This guy is a student here at the school I am a grad student at. He's a freshman. He is a gamer with an extremely good grasp on internet english (In other words, he knows how to herp a derp). He isn't a very good muslim at all (his words) and doesn't pray 5 times a day or believe some of the core tenets of his religion. He still won't eat non-halel meat but that is usually the last thing to go with jews or muslims.
OK, that's fair enough, but you also wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
He says that his religion prevents sex before marriage (and I am assuming anal and vaginal here) under death so he won't do it.
(emphasis mine).

Do you see where I got a hint that he doesn't want to do it? I'm a firm believer in "no means no", and not "let me sit you down for a few hours and persuade you until you change your mind."

Based on what you have written, your wife is looking for casual affairs, not a long-term loving relationship. He is young and a virgin, and is (as you said) falling for your wife in a big way. I'd say that there are mismatched expectations, there.

I would support Ahmed in his journey of discovery by allowing him the space to find the sort of relationship that he needs, rather than using him. It sounds like you and your wife are in a state of flux right now - bringing someone else (and their feelings) into the mix will only confuse things more, and will probably end up hurting him.

You said in the first post here that you self-identify as a feminist, which essentially means that you defend equal political, economic, and social rights for women. Your needs are still important, and your comments earlier indicate that you were quite dissatisfied by the setup that you felt your wife was imposing on you and your relationship. I think that this should be a trigger to take a step back, put extra-marital relationships on hold for a while, and really get to the bottom of what your relationship really is, based on the needs, wants and likes of everyone involved, not just the needs of one. Come out with discussed and defined boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour, and what will get both of your needs met. THEN you can really start exploring and putting it into action.
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  #13  
Old 04-06-2012, 06:07 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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How much dating experience did you and your wife have prior to getting together and marrying ?

Pushing for a change in your relationship for some guy staying in your house after 5 days seems so impulsive and perhaps dangerous and very short sighted.

I think she really really need to understand that going down this road is a 2 way road. Traffic will run both ways. I always love the concessions people will make to get what they want but never really think it through fully ....until its too late.

But if you want an open relationship ....you got to start somewhere.
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  #14  
Old 04-06-2012, 08:46 PM
Heropsychodream Heropsychodream is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How much dating experience did you and your wife have prior to getting together and marrying ?

Pushing for a change in your relationship for some guy staying in your house after 5 days seems so impulsive and perhaps dangerous and very short sighted.

I think she really really need to understand that going down this road is a 2 way road. Traffic will run both ways. I always love the concessions people will make to get what they want but never really think it through fully ....until its too late.
2.5 years then married. We knew each other in high school for years but never dated.

Ahmed doesn't live with us. He moved out a week ago. He's not coming back.

I need to convince her to read some of these responses, create an account, and make some posts. It shouldn't be hard because her and I are close.

I see the danger in this, and so does she, but I think the major turning point will be when he wants a longer term thing. She doesn't know what she wants but is open to having him be a part of our marriage (but doesn't see him fitting into our long term goals). I'm open to it but only if he matures and thinks rationally. He would also have to leave the state with us... and deal with a baby (our goals). I don't see this working long term. He does. Someone's going to get hurt and likely it will be him which I don't mind since everyone has warned him. The wife is hurt less because I can be there for her.

Also, it sounds terrible but if he gets out of hand and he makes crazy threats I strongly believe the police would side with us.
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  #15  
Old 04-06-2012, 09:03 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
... and deal with a baby (our goals). I don't see this working long term. He does. Someone's going to get hurt
Yes, and that someone is going to be the kid, if any one of you feels wishy-washy about involvement/commitment. Do not plan a kid and have all three of you raising it unless ALL of you are committed to it TOGETHER, and TRUST each others' commitment! If he's committed but you don't trust that, it will cause friction. If he says he's committed and then craps out and runs off when the kid is five years old, the kid is effectively losing a parent! Horrible! If you honestly feel he can't commit to the kid (a VERY reasonable concern!), then DON'T allow for him to be included in planning for the kid. If your gametes are involved, you have a responsibility to see to it that the baby is raised in a healthy and loving environment. Don't reproduce if you don't think that will be possible.

At least, them's be my morals; yours might be different.
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  #16  
Old 04-06-2012, 09:10 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I meant did you have extensive dating histories prior to finding each other....not how long you dated each other.

I'd research the cultural divide the nycindie outlined ....police might not be too sympathetic knowing you invited this into your life.


Also there is the her problem with you being with other women ....shouldn't that be fixed before moving forward?
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  #17  
Old 04-06-2012, 10:10 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Haven't you guys known this dude for a very short time? Why on earth would you be thinking this far into the future with him when you barely even know him? With any new poly situation, keep it casual at first!
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  #18  
Old 04-06-2012, 10:52 PM
Heropsychodream Heropsychodream is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I meant did you have extensive dating histories prior to finding each other....not how long you dated each other.

I'd research the cultural divide the nycindie outlined ....police might not be too sympathetic knowing you invited this into your life.


Also there is the her problem with you being with other women ....shouldn't that be fixed before moving forward?
I have had 1 long term relationship and 2 shorter ones. Never a bad breakup, just different life paths.

She has had 3 long terms and I think 2 shorter ones. Hers tend to end badly which may explain her insecurity.

Me being with other women? She says she is fine with it and often imagines it so she can see through my eyes. This is all so new we haven't tried me with another woman. She might have some things to work over when/if that occurs but I think most new polys do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Haven't you guys known this dude for a very short time? Why on earth would you be thinking this far into the future with him when you barely even know him? With any new poly situation, keep it casual at first!
This... this is a whole new perspective. I am a planner and don't like to "play it by ear". That is actually part of what attracted her to ahmed because he is impulsive and young. He likes to stay up all night and I sleep early. Not thinking things through is a recipe for disaster.

Still, I think you're right... My wife (I keep calling her this for anonymity) and ahmed have been resistant to thinking far into the future because ALL relationships start like that. Who wants to start a relationship discussing children and marriage? I think you've convinced me to back down on the planning. I'm likely worrying for nothing because once the NRE dies it will become clear that this can't be a long term thing.
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  #19  
Old 04-06-2012, 10:58 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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I don't think the husband and wife ARE thinking major future-thoughts with the guy; it seemed that the husband/OP indicated that the young immigrant is thinking future-thoughts. My reason for posting how/what I did was to encourage the OP to not EVEN go there, not no way not no how, because entertaining/fostering those thoughts in the poor guy would probably eventually end in ruin - and the one worst hurt would be any children involved. Not cool.
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  #20  
Old 04-06-2012, 11:32 PM
Moonglow Moonglow is offline
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Pretty much I am going to sound like an old person here. You all are young and you have a lot of things going on, ALOT! I would avoid a virgin at all costs. I have been there and done that many years ago (in my former life) and it was a painful experience for everyone. He quit school he became so distraught. I did get things back on track as I introduced him to his future wife, but it was hard long road which would have best been avoided if I had only been smarter. He seemed so lonely and just wanted someone to talk to, and I was getting divorced at the time, so kind of the same boat, he learned alot from me as he had not had much female attention in his life. (his mom had left when he was a baby so he was raised by a single dad) I think he turned out pretty successful but like I said it came down to a few really scary moments a couple of times where he was just so out of control. Then you throw in the whole culture thing... yeah you might have some problems. Just be careful. It just sounds like you all need to get on the same page with YOUR relationship before you add anyone else.
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