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  #71  
Old 03-31-2012, 06:49 PM
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LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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I'm a solo poly person, and new here, but this is my first post.

Ideally, I'd have a queer/bisexual primary partner who didn't fit along the gender binary. I find some effeminate men very sexy, and being able to really share my feminine side with a partner, not just bear it, but share it as an active process with a male partner and enjoy that feminine energy that's unique from a man, would be wonderful.

I'd also like a nerdy/intellectual partner who isn't overwhelmingly masculine or feminine, just a regular guy, someone I can play D&D with, who has the same life goals, is as career-oriented as I am, someone who is moderately into fitness like I am, a heteronormative guy - I don't care if he also sleeps with other men, but I'd prefer he just sleep with women. Can't explain it.

I'd love to date an FTM, a hypermasculine fitness freak man, a nice tall slender woman. (I'm obsessed with the tall and slim beauties. As a 5' 6" size 4, I really have this strong desire to experience the body of a 5' 11" size 6 woman.) On the other hand, I'd love to date a woman who wears my shoe and clothing size. That would be pretty useful.

I can see myself with two primary partners, probably male and a secondary partner, male or female (more likely, female). It might work with the right woman living with me, but I don't know. I definitely feel my desire sparked by sleeping with more than one person, it makes me more sexually driven, if that makes sense. I definitely need the security of not having to use a condom with primary partners, so I need them to be in committed relationships with their other primary partners and sleeping with a ton of people.

In short, I'm not really sure what I want, but I do know what I'm attracted to, and I know one partner probably isn't right for me.
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  #72  
Old 04-03-2012, 07:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DreamerS View Post
Our poly interest began through a d/s lifestyle - Im a dominant with 2 very submissive partners. Im wondering how many other poly relationships have some aspect of a power exchange present in any part of them?

Very much look forward to your comments.
DreamerS, can you talk a bit more about being a solo poly person? Have you read this thread? In general being solo means either being unpartnered or single, not living with any lovers, and not subscribing to hierarchies like primary and secondary, and this thread is a place where we solos can fantasize about our ideal situations for remaining solo. So, I'm not sure if you posted in the right place.

PS, there are plenty of polyfolk into D/s.
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  #73  
Old 04-06-2012, 05:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ithink View Post
Our ideal depends on how fortunate we are to find other Poly people that we are also lucky enough to care deeply about and it is reciprocated by them. That in itself is a minor miracle.
So long answer longer, our ideal would end up being wherever our hearts take us.
IThink.
i'm new to the practice of polyamory, although not to the idea. this last part takes the words right out of my mouth.
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  #74  
Old 04-08-2012, 07:57 PM
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i'm new to the site and everybody here...and still in a mono relationship with my (male) best friend, Z (my long and dragged-out current story is on the Personal Summaries thread), who wants to keep it that way, while i do not.

at this point...because i have a suspicion that "ideals" will change with the flow of life and time and experience...my ideal relationship would be to live as a solo poly, living alone (as i already do) in my awesome cabin shack, with the options of spending time with him as suits us both; as well as with J (my ex), and also with anybody else, male or female, who moves me to do so, who intrigues me, or with whom i feel myself developing a bond or connection...and for anybody i am connected with in any way to feel free to do the same. we would all spend time connecting regularly, keeping abreast of what's goin on with each other, what's in each other's heads/hearts/guts, hanging sometimes together as a group and sometimes in smaller intimate groups or one-on-one....

i love playing house - but only for a few days at a time, max! i feel i need as much alone time as i do time with anyone else, and as much time with one of my closest partners as i do with another. there's no one at this point with whom i want to have that "primary" committed relationship, even with the option of having other lovers or partners.

i found a line in "Opening Up" (Tristan Taormino) that pretty much sums up how i feel right now:

"i consider myself to be my primary partner. this is a very real label for me, not something that i adopt while waiting for 'The One' to come along. i am my own husband and wife."

i want and need love, support, encouragement, cuddling, sex, intimacy, shared vulnerability, and a lot of other very human things as much as any of us does...but i don't feel like one human can (or i should expect them to) meet all of my needs, and i don't expect myself to be able to meet all the needs of anybody else. we all connect in different ways, and each touch different parts of us, nurture different aspects of each of us....

i'll ramble if i'm let. thanks for listening!
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  #75  
Old 04-08-2012, 10:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackMagicBlonde View Post
i love playing house - but only for a few days at a time, max!
I love this statement. It makes so much sense to me.
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  #76  
Old 04-09-2012, 12:43 PM
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update:

Z and i decided to pull the plug on the partnership this past friday night - we were both sick of the cycle, the emotional rollercoaster (on & off, back & forth) - while letting the friendship remain. (that's the quick rundown of it.)

i've had the best weekend in a LONG time, and when we got together for drinks and music for a few hours last night, turns out he has too! and we had a really great evening with friends.

*big sigh of relief*

"each tiny step in the direction of freedom will eventually get you there."
- dossie easton & janet hardy, The Ethical Slut
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  #77  
Old 04-09-2012, 05:55 PM
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BMB, your update shows that being solo poly truly fits you! Glad that it all feels much more comfortable for you.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #78  
Old 04-11-2012, 05:22 AM
piquant piquant is offline
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It's been refreshing to read through this thread and everyone's reasons for being solo. I am somewhat new to living a poly lifestyle (though I'd suspected for years that I'd be happier allowing my relationships to develop naturally, rather than needing to fit them into friend/significant other categories). I've always felt fiercely independent, and worked hard to find the right balance of autonomy in my previous mono relationships.

My desire for independence is what I believe has ultimately led me to change the way I develop and seek relationships. What makes me need to be solo is the same thing that makes me poly.

I identified with what Meera said about needing space:

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I don't want to live with anyone or be one half of an intensely bonded couple. I need a lot of space, physically and mentally and emotionally.
I desire intense emotional connection, but feel overwhelmed when it's every day. I don't need to be in constant communication with the important people in my life, and shy away from using facebook or texting as anything more than a means to get in touch with friends and make future plans to meet.

By connecting on varying levels with my network of friends and lovers, I am able to find that space I need. To me, not having a primary relationship means that each relationship has a chance to breathe and evolve naturally, and I don't get caught up (feel suffocated) in any one relationship. After a wonderfully intense weekend with a lover, for example, I am likely over the following week to make plans and reconnect with friends or lovers I have less serious relationships with, or to go on a date with someone new. It's all about balance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I'd like to have a number of regular lovers that I consider good friends and am emotionally close to. But I don't think relationships need to be "serious" or permanent. For me, dating and sex and love and friendship are all about exploration and getting to know oneself and others.
Again I can relate. I enjoy having relationships that vary in intensity and frequency, and that are allowed to evolve as they will. It is important that I feel valued and loved, and that I know the people I care about feel valued and loved.

Thanks for reading my first post
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  #79  
Old 04-12-2012, 03:20 AM
alicesmiles alicesmiles is offline
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I am a solo poly person. I don't have anyone in my life right now. I have interest in a few people, I am just seeing how things develop.

I can't imagine being married again. I don't feel ready for that at all. I also can't imagine having someone living with my son and I. I am horribly selfish when it comes to him, and want him all for myself. My personality is the type that needs, well, craves my own space. I need to be alone at times for my mind to recharge and regroup. It would be bliss for me to see someone occasionally, and have my own quiet space to go home to.

What is my ideal? I don't know yet. I want a partner(s). I want affection, and love. I have an interest in being in a V or a quad. When I read about those I find myself drawn to those definitions.
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  #80  
Old 04-12-2012, 11:20 PM
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I haven't read all of the pages of this thread but from the ones I have, it would seem I have a different view.

I have been solo and poly for 10 years now. I've been involved in various configurations of connection throughout that time but since I have not lived with another adult in that time, I consider myself solo.
I definitely am not solo by choice or preference but by logistics at this point.

I have been frustrated by the couple-centric versions of poly that abound in the real world. Because I did not open up an existing relationship but came to poly as a single person, I am expected to tolerate the hierarchical model that insists on protecting the "primary" relationship at all costs.

At the moment I am having a poly crisis of faith; I know what I want from relationships but it seems that the poly folk I become involved with want to relegate me to a lesser status rather than build a partnership with me.

My ideal relationship(s) would have someone(s) for me to come home to, someone to go to bed with, to wake up with, to grow old with, to build a life with, to feel that I am a priority in their life and to let them know that they are a priority in mine. Partners in all senses of the word with love and support without restriction.

I have a long term love who does his very best to not make me feel secondary but the logistics of our relationship and the realities of both of our lives mean that we can't be under the same roof for more than a decade and I am simply not willing to be alone for another 10 years. I'm also not sure I want to be the one who has to move in with him and his other partner, as that scenario by its very nature places me on a lesser-than status.

This is one relationship of two in my experience that have wanted me to move in but it was made clear that the existing couple would continue to share a bedroom and I would have my own. That model to me felt inherently unequal and was not the version of poly that resonated with me.

My ideal relationships are completely equitable, in word, thought, deed and feeling.

After 10 years of active poly living, I've not been able to find that ideal and I am beginning to wonder if it truly exists.
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