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Old 04-05-2012, 11:51 PM
adrift adrift is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 26

Ouch! I really feel for you and both the women in your life right now. I know it's hard to be in a situation like that. I hope it works out for all of you. I also hope that if your wife does come around to the idea one day that she's able to see past her fears and see how much love she has from you both.
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Old 04-06-2012, 12:27 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Ah ha... so your instincts weren't so far off after all.

It's such a shame that your friend lied and made you out to be the bad guy. I get why she did it, but... not really cool at all. The worrying thing now is that if/when you guys do come clean to your wife, she may feel 50 times more betrayed that you jointly kept this secret from her.

I know it's not up to you at this point -- you already did the hard work of being honest -- but I would strongly advocate for your friend to tell the truth about her lie, and why she did it, sooner rather than later. It will eventually come out somehow, and the longer it takes the more explode-y it may well be.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 04-06-2012, 02:46 AM
WalkingTheBlue WalkingTheBlue is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 13

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Ah ha... so your instincts weren't so far off after all.
I almost blurted that out when she told me.
I know why she didn't tell her. I think part of it was a fear of rejection, but mostly she was trying to be the friend that my wife needed her to be. We agreed that the last thing either of us want to do is to hurt my wife. Our last conversation was obviously in secret, but we decided that it was a fine line that we didn't want to walk. We don't want to go behind my wife's back with all of this. That would be heading squarely into cheater territory, somewhere I've never been and don't want to go. So, for now we're just carrying on.

The part that gets to me is that I feel like I have a secret again that I can't be honest about with my wife. We had just gotten to this great place of open communication. I also don't want to betray K's trust, or badger her to come clean about it. Not really sure what to do at the moment. Stuck between a rock and hard place.
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Old 04-06-2012, 09:51 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by WalkingTheBlue View Post
Not really sure what to do at the moment. Stuck between a rock and hard place.
Don't think you have to take action right away. Let all the changes and news settle in a bit. This is not a time for impulsiveness, I believe. So, I think if I were you, I would find some moments to be relaxed and contemplative and just breathe. Feel what you're feeling and don't make any decisions to move things along just yet. Revel in the joy you must have that your feelings for K are returned, but try to stay level-headed and unattached to any outcome. Keep your word to have some distance for a while until a solution comes to you about how to talk to your wife about it. There is no need to rush anyone or anything here.

I think that when it feels right, once all this settles a bit in you, you can have a talk with your wife about relationships in general and parameters that you see working for other people. Find out what certain words mean to her, like commitment and marriage and love. She told you she thought your feelings for K amounted to "emotional cheating" and apparently she still considers you both as a monogamous couple even though you have participated in non-monogamous activities together. So, I would start by talking about definitions and concepts and intellectually explore different ways to achieve a sense of satisfaction in relationships and love before asking to make any outer changes to your dynamic. Do some readings on love and how it can be expressed. Read Opening Up by Tristan Taormino together (did I already recommend that?). Take it slowly and patiently and lovingly and I am sure all will be good.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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