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  #1  
Old 04-05-2012, 05:07 PM
Marvel Marvel is offline
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Unhappy What can I do?

My story is posted here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...544#post131544

I want my husband JN to be happy, and he says that having the freedom to sleep with other women will let him explore BDSM and have other relationships and that this will make him happy.

But I am afraid that he will find someone younger, thinner, prettier, with fewer health problems or that is into BDSM like him and then he will leave me for them.

How am I supposed to get past this fear?

He also mentioned the other day that it would only be fair for me to be allowed to sleep with other men it I wanted to. That upset me because I wasn't sure what he really meant by that. Does he care so little? Is he hoping I will find someone else so he can leave me and feel less guilty about it because I am not alone? Or is this some kind of way of tricking me into going along with this? He really doesn't want me to see other men, and given my weight knows that the chances of anyone wanting me are about zero, and knows that I can't think of anyone but him, but because we can both do it, it's all okay?

He is being patient and giving me time. I told him I would have to think things over. I worry that he will get tired of waiting. He wants me to trust him that these other women won't change how he feels about me or wreck our marriage, but I don't know if I can.

We haven't told anyone else about this, and I don't know who I would talk to anyway. My closest friends would all tell me to leave him, but I just don't know that I can do that, either.

How can we make this work?
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  #2  
Old 04-05-2012, 05:35 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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You can only make it work if you want to. It sounds like you have some serious soul searching to do to decide if this is something you can live with or not. The fact that he is being patient and trying to help you work through it speak well of him.

I would suggest reading up on the topic of polyamory both on this website where you can get personal stories and situations and in books/other online resources. Book/website recommendations from members can be found in this thread. I would also encourage your husband to read up so the two of you can continue discussing openly.

Another thing to do is just examine yourself and your relationship with your husband to see if there is ANY cause for your fear or if it is based purely in insecurity. If it is just insecurity on your part (and there is nothing wrong with that), then your husband and yourself can probably figure out some way to set some boundaries on what is and is not acceptable on a short term basis to kind of "test the waters." If he is interested in BDSM and you are incapable of doing that, maybe let him attend a BDSM event or seek out a play partner (and by play partner, I mean strictly that - someone he meets just for BDSM things) to see how that works out. Then you are not toying with anyone else's emotions if it DOESN'T work.

You two definitely need to talk about you being able to seek out other relationships as well. Does he really feel comfortable with this or was he just saying to to be "fair?" Also, hopefully after reading a bit about poly you won't think that it's a sign that he cares so little. I would take it a sign of his trust in you that you will uphold and boundaries you two set, his faith in your love lasting regardless of what else is going on, and his desire to see you happy while he is also seeking his happiness. And on that note, honey... Men like all shapes and sizes... I am NOT a small woman, and I have never had issues finding men (and women) who want me. If you choose not to pursue this, that's fine. It's not for everyone, but please don't just dismiss it because of your physical appearance.

If you decide you are okay with testing it a bit, make sure you two discuss what is and isn't okay (boundaries - there are also threads out there about that) and set a specific time that you are next going to discuss it (I would say about a month or the day after he first acts upon anything or whatever length of time you think is fair to let him experience a bit) so that you can readdress how you are feeling, whether your boundaries still feel right for both of you, etc.
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  #3  
Old 04-08-2012, 09:23 PM
Marvel Marvel is offline
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This whole thing is very difficult for me. I guess I feel that right now things are fine, but if another woman is involved there will be comparisons and so competition and that I will not win in that case. That if offered someone who is thinner, prettier, and has no health issues he will choose her and not me.

I wish I didn't feel that way but I do.

And I suppose it doesn't help that being around pretty people, male or female, makes me nervous. I can't even look them in the eye.
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  #4  
Old 04-08-2012, 09:33 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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I've heard that you can improve your self esteem in three steps: awareness, choice, and change. Be aware of where/when/how you feel incapable, make a choice to think of ways you CAN do or be capable, and then slowly change your initial reaction from the feelings of inadequacy to the trained thoughts of ability. It takes time, but there are ways to improve your self esteem. There are also ways that your husband can help you by being extra aware of how you are feeling and trying to pay extra compliments to you when you look especially nice or do something really well and things like that.

Have you considered seeking counseling or anything about your anxiety around people you perceive as more attractive?

This is a HUGE adjustment, and remember that you do have the right to live how you wish so if you don't think you can handle having a poly partner you can say so.
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  #5  
Old 04-09-2012, 04:42 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marvel View Post
I want my husband JN to be happy, and he says that having the freedom to sleep with other women will let him explore BDSM and have other relationships and that this will make him happy.

But I am afraid that he will find someone younger, thinner, prettier, with fewer health problems or that is into BDSM like him and then he will leave me for them.

How am I supposed to get past this fear?
I had the very same fears when my husband and I were first talking about opening up our relationship. Eventually I came to the conclusion of why would I want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me? Monogamy doesn't gaurentee that someone will stay with you, it feels like a safety net but it really isn't. By him exploring other relationships and still chosing to be with you can really help to solidify in your mind that he wants to be with you. It's a leap of faith though and you can't really be sure of what is going to happen until you take that step.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marvel View Post
He also mentioned the other day that it would only be fair for me to be allowed to sleep with other men it I wanted to. That upset me because I wasn't sure what he really meant by that. Does he care so little? Is he hoping I will find someone else so he can leave me and feel less guilty about it because I am not alone? Or is this some kind of way of tricking me into going along with this? He really doesn't want me to see other men, and given my weight knows that the chances of anyone wanting me are about zero, and knows that I can't think of anyone but him, but because we can both do it, it's all okay?
Do YOU want to see other men? That's where to desision should be made. If you're not intested or not comfortable with the idea don't do it just because it would be fair. There are men out there who are interested in all different types of women so your weight isn't going to be a hurdle if you are interested in seeking out another relationship.

That being said I think that you have some work to do in the self love department. It sounds to me like you consider yourself to be someone who is undesierable and unworthy of love and attention. Loving yourself is so important. Does your husband tell you that he wants you and that he finds you attractive? If he does work on believing him and try to see yourself through his eyes ( I know this is easier said than done). You're harder on yourself than anyone else would be. Work on talking to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. Focus on the positives in your appearance and personality.
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  #6  
Old 04-09-2012, 04:53 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Just to offer a different perspective...

It's not saying very much good about your husband (is it?) if you think that you're so undesirable no one would want you but him? If you're really that awful, why has he stuck with you for three kids and a mortgage and been at your side through your health challenges?

He could have left at any time, yes? But he didn't. He chose to stay. He could have sneaked off and found some younger hotter chickie into BDSM, but he didn't do that either. He asked. My guess is that he asked because he loves you, all of you, your insecurities and your challenges and all your wonderfulness, too.
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with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #7  
Old 04-09-2012, 08:17 AM
learner learner is offline
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Everyone else has given very good advice. To add from a personal perspective, I am the one who suggested opening up our relationship. Initially I was unsure of what I was looking for, but after a bit of searching I realised I was mainly looking for a D/s relationship, and this was something my husband wasn't really able to give me. He can see the clear differences between myself and my boyfriend, and knows (because I tell him) what it is about him I appreciate and need.

Perhaps making a list of the things you think your husband gets from you that he won't get from anyone else would help, or perhaps even asking him to do it for you? I have come to the conclusion that even if my husband could fulfil my BDSM needs, I wouldn't really want him to, because it feels right to me to keep that side of my life separate - perhaps your husband feels the same?

As far as giving you space to sleep with other people, that is by far the more fair and caring course to go down - much better than saying 'I want to sleep with other people but you can't'. You may not want to, which is absolutely fine - my husband, although he has enjoyed a few dalliances as the result of his 'freedom', is definitely not into finding someone else the way I was.

Above all, keep talking and I really hope it works out for you - in our case, our relationship has become stronger as a result of being able to be more open about our feelings.
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