He wants a romantic relationship without the dating part

[Jade]

It sounds like he's made his decision, and you have a choice. You can either accept the relationship as it is or give it up (as a "romantic" one). It really sucks when you see how the pieces could fall together, but don't. It sounds like you have put an awful lot of effort in, but that effort's been mostly one-way.

To me, the question you need to ask yourself is "does the relationship bring me enough pleasure to be worthwhile as is?"

[LotusesandRoses]

Originally Posted by persephone

[...] his kids have some pretty extreme behavioral issues. [...] he needs anyone he dates to have a good relationship with his children, so I have tried to, even though they are very challenging kids.

There's your answer. Maybe his kids are "li'l bastards" because he half-asses relationships, like wanting you to come over and "cuddle in the basement." I work with children professionally, and I want to tell you when multiple children are behaving like jerks, their parents usually are jerks. Choose wisely.

[redpepper]

This is sounding remarkably like the relationship I had with Leo. Three years of once a month dates with no chance of more closeness than holding hands. Its very frustrting. I bent over backwards to get my needs met and the result was that him and his wife saw me as trying to control and being selfish. They thought that I believe the world revolves around what I want.

My coping strategy was to find other people to spend time with. I went about my life and eventually he dumped me. It was not a fun time and I wished that I had left the whole thing long before, but love is a tricky one and it is what it is. You can read about it in my blog from Dec 2010 until March 2012. The part that might be helpful is what transpired with the break up (Jan 2012 until March 2012). If there is anything I can be helpful with, please ask me privately as I'm pretty sure they read my posts.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses

There's your answer. Maybe his kids are "li'l bastards" because he half-asses relationships, like wanting you to come over and "cuddle in the basement." I work with children professionally, and I want to tell you when multiple children are behaving like jerks, their parents usually are jerks. Choose wisely.

I work with a children with mental illnesses and their families and many times they have more than one child with a mental illness and the children feed off of each other, which causes even more stress for the parents. I had one child's sister escalate his behavior because she was angry that he got home from an outing just after her therapist left. He almost broke his mother's nose when he headbutted her while being so wound up. Many times these parents are doing everything right, but have been trying to get their children help and have been dealing with it for so long that they don't have the extra energy to spare for interpersonal relationships.

[LotusesandRoses]

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter

I work with a children with mental illnesses and their families and many times they have more than one child with a mental illness and the children feed off of each other, which causes even more stress for the parents. I had one child's sister escalate his behavior because she was angry that he got home from an outing just after her therapist left. He almost broke his mother's nose when he headbutted her while being so wound up. Many times these parents are doing everything right, but have been trying to get their children help and have been dealing with it for so long that they don't have the extra energy to spare for interpersonal relationships.

I'd entertain what you're saying, but this guy is piling on extra relationships while his kids are literally screaming for his attention. If your kids have unresolved issues, you don't look for additional relationships and confusion. That makes him a not nice person. I'd run.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses

I'd entertain what you're saying, but this guy is piling on extra relationships while his kids are literally screaming for his attention. If your kids have unresolved issues, you don't look for additional relationships and confusion. That makes him a not nice person. I'd run.

OP stated that he and his wife had stopped pursuing poly because of their children's issues and their need to focus on that and their family, but that things had stabilized enough that his wife is now encouraging him to be in a relationship again. He may not trust that things are stable enough to allow himself to not be there just in case. Some families have a hard time adjusting to not being in crisis mode because it has been that way for so long. Maybe he's not ready to step back from that just yet.

The best thing the OP can do is remain his friend and let him know that she cares deeply for him, but until the time that he can commit to spending at least a couple hours one night a week out with her, she isn't willing to take their friendship to the next level.

[nycindie]

Regardless of the children issues, this couple clearly seem to not put any stock into the value and necessity of poly relationships developing on their own and independently. The fact that she reads all his conversations with the OP indicates that neither of them feel the OP deserves any privacy in relating with this man.

Persephone, I would just stop holding onto any hopes that this can become a romantic relationship for you.

Plunk! Into the friend zone he goes!

[km34]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Regardless of the children issues, this couple clearly seem to not put any stock into the value and necessity of poly relationships developing on their own and independently. The fact that she reads all his conversations with the OP indicates that neither of them feel the OP deserves any privacy in relating with this man.

Persephone, I would just stop holding onto any hopes that this can become a romantic relationship for you.

Plunk! Into the friend zone he goes!

I second this!