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  #21  
Old 04-03-2012, 10:28 PM
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Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
these are all difficult things to hear, but I know they are true. I guess my desires are clouding my judgement. Thank you all.

I guess I always try to only see the "good" in people, and never the bad. Wether I have intentions with them or not. Many people say I let others take advantage of me, but I guess I believe in turning my cheek.

is it wrong to see only the good in people?
When the bad in people purposely disrespects the person in your life and therefore has no intention of supporting goodwill in general amongst yourselves you need to wake the hell up. There's no other way for me to put that.

I have had close relatives try and interfere in my relationship and plot to turn other people in the family against me, to my face and behind my back. I spent most of my life seeing the good in them and trying my best to ignore the bad. That is no way to live. You and your girlfriend deserve better.
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  #22  
Old 04-03-2012, 11:24 PM
Jade Jade is offline
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To believe that there is good in all people is noble. To believe that just because someone has some good in them that they will not harm you or yours (emotionally or physically) is dangerous.

You have a situation in which you don't want to believe something negative of someone else... I feel that and I'm sorry, because I know it's really disappointing

I really give you a lot of credit for being able to look beyond your own point of view. It's actually a strength to be able to say, "Hey, check my blind spot," you know?

Last edited by Jade; 04-03-2012 at 11:28 PM.
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  #23  
Old 04-04-2012, 12:03 AM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Another shout of kudos to you for actually listening to (sometimes harsh) constructive criticism.... I know I, for one, don't often sugar-coat and can be blunt to the verge of unkindness.... It's often easier to assume that everyone's out to get you than it is to step back and look at your own situation objectively.

On those of us outside of your situation only have the words and descriptions that you and Genebean have given us, and can only advise based on that.
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  #24  
Old 04-05-2012, 02:42 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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I feel honored when I am wrong, as being wrong and (more importantly) finding that out means I have achieved a new level of understanding. I'm not afraid of being wrong, and I don't think anyone should be.

that being said, I don't have a lot of friends and I don't want to loose any of the ones I do have. I guess that's the reason I always only look for the good in people. I want to find something I like, not something I don't.
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  #25  
Old 04-05-2012, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
...I don't have a lot of friends and I don't want to loose any of the ones I do have. I guess that's the reason I always only look for the good in people. I want to find something I like, not something I don't.
Yeah, well, even some serial killers have good qualities.

I hope you can see that, from how that couple behaved, they are NOT your friends. Friends are much more respectful than they were. Those people are selfish and only after what they want, without regard for you and your girlfriend. If it's friends you want, look for them while participating in activities you enjoy, outside of sex. Listen to Genebean, work on your relationship with her, BEFORE getting into sexual situations with other people.

Have you thoroughly read all the posts in this thread? There is good advice and feedback for you here.
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  #26  
Old 04-05-2012, 08:47 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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i'm not a sereal killer. :'(
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  #27  
Old 04-06-2012, 01:25 AM
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Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
i'm not a sereal killer. :'(
???

I didn't say you're a serial killer. I just meant that you can wind up in harm's way if you only look for the good in people and put blinders on to their bullshit, meanness, and the damage they cause. Case in point: that couple --> not your friends.

I am also curious why "always looking for the good in people" means it was perfectly fine to discount and dismiss your girlfriend's concerns, whine and mope when you couldn't have your way, and pressure her to be around unsafe people she had a very bad feeling about. What was your reasoning there?
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  #28  
Old 04-06-2012, 06:05 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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please be a little more tactful/clear with your statements nycindie, as it was quite interpretable. Hence the reason I felt you were calling/comparing me to a sereal killer.

secondly, as per your question about why I thought it was ok to dismiss her concerns: I never did discount what she said, or how she felt. I told her from the get go, the situation was more than likely exactly how she thought it was. But I felt to be truly objective we ought to hear what they had to say. And if it were exactly as my girlfriend said, the couple would (hopefully) learn a very valuable lesson about not taking advange of other people.

third, you said I whined and moped when i didn't get what I wanted. You are right, and I have said that I am sorry numerous times. I let my ambitions take me away, and for that, I sincerely apologise to her. That said, it is ok for me to be upset I didn't get what I want. But I know I need to handle it differently in the future. I am learning, AS WE ALL ARE.

lastly, I did not pressure my girlfriend into sleeping with either of them, nor did I pressure her into being around them. The only thing I tried to do was get her to talk to them after the problem occurred. And i've stated my reasons for that.

she did not tell me that was the only thing the huband had said. She had made it seem like that was the only thing she could make out of their conversation. I thought at the time there may be more to the conversation, I did not know that's the only thing he had said. This was the reason I was set on talking to them, to get to the bottom, and see if there was anything that was misinterpreted.

I hope this answers some of your questions.
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  #29  
Old 04-06-2012, 07:12 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Polypenguin, I don't see at all how you could interpret that nycindie suggested you were a serial killer. It seemed very obvious she wasn't implying your friends were either, just that you might think these friends have good qualities but it doesn't mean they don't have qualities bad enough that it would tip most people towards staying away from them regardless of the fact they are enjoyable company.

Anyway, I don't think it was your girlfriends job at all to go talk to them about what she heard. I don't have to confront people that I get bad vibes from or hear say rude things. If you wanted to talk to them about it that is your business. I'm not quite clear if you've dropped the friendship but I know I'd be uncomfortable if I was in this situation and my husband was still wanting to be involved with people who had acted like that.
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  #30  
Old 04-06-2012, 09:33 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
The only thing I tried to do was get her to talk to them after the problem occurred.
I know you've probably already learned this valuable tidbit, and please know that I DO NOT mean this harshly, since you do seem to sincerely care:

Our society sucks in lots of ways. One of those ways is that women have to be very proactive about their own safety. That sucks pretty bad. Women are taught, or learn in hard ways, that it's better/safer to cross the street than to have an unknown guy walking behind you on the sidewalk. Women are taught to keep an eye on their drinks at parties. Women are taught to be careful not to lead men on.

Really, it should be the other way around; men should be taught that pressuring for sex is wrong. Men should be taught that certain kinds of clothing doesn't equal a desire for sex. Etc. But since our society DOES have this all fucked up, the reality is that women DO have to be cautious about the people around them and be proactive about their own safety. Mind you, I am NOT saying that a girl who ISN'T proactive about her safety is in ANY way responsible if she gets hurt by someone. The fault/guilt is ALWAYS and ONLY of the person who made the choice/decision to hurt her. That said, it's always better to not get hurt in the first place, so many women do try to be proactive, as our stupid, fucked up society suggests.

A man with any clear disregard for a woman's choice or feelings, in light of our society's ways, should be considered a hazard. Dangerous. Coersion or worse waiting to happen. So, maybe that guy only said those things when he was drunk. But, y'know what? That means, when he's drunk, he's got to be considered dangerous.

Women should never, EVER be pressured, even a little, to associate with someone that they feel might ever be a danger to them. It's a horrible double-standard. It's kind of like saying, Hey, you've had it ingrained in you, through media, through culture, that if you're not careful and put yourself in a dangerous situation, you'll get raped! But maybe you should give this guy a second chance. He PROBABLY won't hurt you, and he'd PROBABLY only get coercive anyway, so what's the big deal?

Polypenguin, it's not your fault that society does this. It's not Genebean's fault either. But it is what it is, and I guess we just make the most of it while trying to change it. I also know that a lot of guys (many? Most?) don't even recognize or realize that this is what it's like for women, and it can be tough even to believe for some men. What I'm saying is, I know that you probably already "get it", but it bears repeating: don't push a girl to see someone that they feel uncomfortable around. I just wanted to elaborate on _why_, in case it wasn't very clear.
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