Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-05-2012, 02:16 PM
Windstar Windstar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Default "HotWife" paradigm / Avoiding the Cuckold dynamic

So my wife and I brought another man into our bed and relationship.

We've had plenty of hot threesomes, and the energy was more between them than all three of us. They were great. I loved them.

Last night I was looking through sexy pictures on tumblr.com and I came across the "HotWife' page. Weird. Never thought about this before.

This term refers to a couple who brings another man in to have sex with the wife. Many times or most of the times the other man has a bigger cock than the husband. Therein comes an element of inferiority, ingratiation, and submission. He gets off on watching his wife with a guy who is more masculine than he is, or so they say.

Now that energy happened with us three. He was the hot new stud, and I am the old comfy nesting partner. I dont really like that, but I understand it.

However, I dont want to have our dynamic become this "HotWife" idea. There is no part of me that is electrified by the idea of being an inferior lover to my wife than another man with a huge dick. I can enjoy her being a supernova of pleasure, but I do not derive pleasure from feeling inferior.

So I will have to change my energy in this triad and either make it more balanced or be comfortable with them moving their energy away from me and into them separately as a couple without me there with them in a threesome.

thoughts?
__________________
WindStar
http://fuggle.us - Our Threesome Blog
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-05-2012, 03:11 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,249
Default

Maybe this cuckold dynamic is the cause of your blowjob problem.

Don't you think it has become that...or was set up like that from the beginning?

I thought this was a vee not a triad?

Sounds like your Ok with everything but the label and consciously participating in it for some gratification. So don't. Don't use the label and don't participate in ways which would put you in that position.

It said here all the time people can't make you feel one way or another...everyone's responsible for their own feelings. So is it you don't want the appearance or label of being a cuckold. Or you don't want to feel like your being cuckolded. 2 different solutions.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-05-2012, 05:49 PM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Windstar View Post
... He was the hot new stud, and I am the old comfy nesting partner. I dont really like that, but I understand it.
So you're the comfy nesting partner. Does that make you feel inferior? Are you humiliated yet excited watching the two of them together or do you fully enjoy seeing their enjoyment? I wouldn't classify this in the "Hot Wife" category at all unless you're feeling that humiliation. If that is the case, then I would be getting the heck out of that bedroom when they want to have sex!

Quote:
However, I dont want to have our dynamic become this "HotWife" idea. There is no part of me that is electrified by the idea of being an inferior lover to my wife than another man with a huge dick. I can enjoy her being a supernova of pleasure, but I do not derive pleasure from feeling inferior.
Once again... Is this how it makes you feel? Or does it feel like you're a part of her pleasure just by being there? If they don't even notice your existence, I don't see the purpose of you being there, honestly.


Quote:
So I will have to change my energy in this triad and either make it more balanced or be comfortable with them moving their energy away from me and into them separately as a couple without me there with them in a threesome.

thoughts?
I think you need to talk to them to figure out how EVERYONE is feeling about what's going on. Just tell them you've had some second thoughts about being involved with the sexual aspect because you don't feel that included or needed in that setting. Tell them you saw these photos and saw the similarities between your situation and don't want to get so far down the road and realize that it has been making you feel inferior (assuming it isn't already).

One thing you have to remember is that the "Hot wife" or cuckold situation is generally done when the man is brought in JUST FOR SEX. That's not the case here. You and your wife have a relationship with this man, and I sincerely hope their goal in having threesomes is NOT to show you up or to show you how awesome he is and how not awesome you are but instead is to share that intimacy.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-05-2012, 06:43 PM
drtalon's Avatar
drtalon drtalon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 112
Default

If you want better, hotter sex in (or back into) your relationship, then learn how to have better, hotter sex.

I guarantee that great sex has little to do with the size of your dick (and therefore, little to do with the largeness of the next guy's.)

NRE makes sex better, no doubt. You ought to be reaping the benefits of spillover NRE. If you're not, that'd be a big indicator to me that there are other issues going on.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-05-2012, 06:57 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,230
Default

People enjoy things for entirely different reasons. One person might like to get tied up during sex because it makes them feel like they're being used or forced, while another person might like getting tied up during sex because otherwise they can't help pushing their partner's mouth/hand away during stimulation because it's so intense and they really want to ride the feelings all the way through to the end. Similar from the outside, completely different on the inside.

Similarly, some men might like to see their wife with another man because it makes them feel inferior and humiliated, others (like you!) might like it because they enjoy the "sexual compersion" of seeing their wife's pleasure from a third-person perspective.

Just because your situation looks outwardly like the "Hot Wife" scenario doesn't mean it has anything at all to do with that, so don't let it bother you! Enjoy it all you like for the reasons YOU like it. Or if, as others have said and as you fear, it might be inching towards an uncomfortable place, then by all means let them know that you want to give them a little space. If they care about you, which they certainly seem to, they'll understand and figure out how to make it work. But if you do that, do it because it's right for you, not because other people's humiliation fantasies bear an outward similarity to something you enjoy for different reasons!
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-06-2012, 04:09 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 814
Default

I really don't think this is necessarily anything like hot wife or cuckoldry stuff. And I've NEVER heard any female post anywhere that they were having hot threesomes with their husband and new girlfriend and the other two people seem more into it so that they were somehow getting off on humiliation, or inferior just because the other girl seemed more talented or desirable in bed. That said, what redpepper said in the other thread about maybe it's time to move away if you don't feel the threesomes are benefiting you as much as much anymore would probably work.

It also doesn't sound like new lover means better lover. New often has more energy and excitement, just like you and she used to have. Just like if you take a lover you'll probably have for awhile. That you happen to be the old comfy nesting partner is likely more a byproduct of cohabitation and long term ease. It's likely some of the energy does come from you being there and supporting the dynamic. I imagine it's nice to be that comfortable with your partner that you can share that without feeling bad about your desires for somebody else. Never had a threesome, but in a MFM scenario, that would probably be a good 33% of what would appeal to me, knowing that my other partner was supportive and glad to see me have so much pleasure, that it was a team effort, and comfortable for everybody.

I also haven't found that bigger means better at all. Skill, love, desire, passion, attention, and awareness of how your partner is feeling are sure a lot more important than penis size to me. Well..and knowing when more lube is needed before I have to say anything

You say you'd derive no pleasure from being inferior - are you feeling this at all or are you just noodling around the topic in your head or putting out out for conversation for fun? Feeling inferior because your partner has NRE (sexual or emotional) or feeling inferior because you think somebody else is better in bed are two totally different things.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-06-2012, 01:32 PM
Windstar Windstar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Default

Dingedheart,
You may be right. I had never heard the term "vee" rather than triad before. Thanks for the new concept. That helps me to consider things better.

km34,
No I don't feel humiliated, and I definitely don't want to be humiliated either. I justrealized that that dynamic could establish itself, and I don't like it. They do notice me, and I participate with them, but the energy is definitely more between them than me. More V than triad, as dinged heart clarified. I like your recommendation about a frank discussion where I could say that I have had some second thoughts about being involved sexually. I'm not there yet, but having that as an option in the back of my head is empowering. you are right, we are in a relationship here, not just a one-time sexfling. Thanks.

Dr. Talon,
i completely agreed. Yes, the NRE is spillong over to me, so to say. My wife and I are feeling very close and having wonderful intimacy with lots of love and appreciation. it is wonderful and exciting.

AnnabelMore,
*Interesting clarification about the being tied up idea. Yes, you hit my nail on the head, I like my wife being 100% happy and satisfied. She is so beautiful when sexually empowered. Thanks for the reassurance and words of encouragement and support and clarification. That is very helpful to understand the disctinctions and not view my role as the hotwife cuckold dynamic.

Anneintherain,
Thanks for making me laugh. I lvoed hearing you flip the sexes and talk about no woman ever being excited by humiliation! You are totally right that me being there seems to make it nice for my wife in that she is reassured about the v/triad being okay and that I am okay with it all: "knowing that my other partner was supportive and glad to see me have so much pleasure, that it was a team effort, and comfortable for everybody." I also completely agree that it is the motion in the ocean, not the size of the hull... I am not feeling inferior, just noodling around the idea in my head. I don't want to go down that road.


thanks everyone for the guidance! Wow, I am overwhelmed!

WindStar
__________________
WindStar
http://fuggle.us - Our Threesome Blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:11 AM.